Feeling bad about not feeling bad

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Feeling bad about not feeling bad
28
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 10:53pm

This is the third night he has been gone. He has called to "check in" and to tell me he has made an AA meeting, or that he wants me to give him a chance. I told him no more updates and no more calls unless about kids.

He came over to get his things and ended up on his knees, and I began to giggle! Where did that come from? It wasn't out of happiness but the sheer absurdity of it all. I had to hide my face. He never even did that when he proposed to me.

I keep having these memories come back of things I had shoved so far in my inside I had forgotten they were there. I wish I ... well, I just wish. For alot of things, but now - I know - I know and I can not feel bad for him ...not one little tear.

I told him I didn't love him any more and that I couldn't feel sad. He said he has never cried this much, I said I have been crying for the last 13 years. He said he was finaly listening, but I have been telling him this all along.

He is an emotional/verbal abuser and an alcoholic. I kind of knew part of it, but not all, blaming alot of it on the alcohol. I have never slept better since he has been gone, and I have been able to enjoy my children.

I have been a stranger in my own home and in my own skin for so long, I created a life outside of this house where my kids couldn't even go because he would follow.

I even feel gun shy around the house - waiting for him to say something and he is not even here. When I hear his voice or see him, it feels like a ten pound weight is sitting on my chest. There is so much pressure built there and fear...that he will immediately resort to his old ways. I am also fearful that that forgive and forget nature I have will creep back up and I will cave in. But I don't think so...not this time. It feels different.

I told him during Christmas I was spectacular and deserved to be treated as such. I don't think any differently now and I know he doesn't have it in him.

Our 7 and 9 year old were not surprised when I told them their dad was going to live somewhere else. They only recanted episodes where he went off on them when I wasn't around. It made me feel better, knowing that I am making the right decision - for absolutely everyone involved - including him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 1:26am
OMG, Gettinsilly, I responded to you other post, I didn't see this one! In my other post I told you that my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive, but what I didn't say is that he was alcoholic too ~ if it wasn't impossible, I'd think we were married to the same man!


I understand completely how you feel. I never regretted my decision for a second, I never felt bad for him, not really, and when he cried and wanted to come back I just said, "Oh my God, you can't want to live in that hell again". Like you I was too damned tired of dealing with it all to feel sorry for him, and I was too damned thrilled at the wonderful stress-free life to feel sorry for him too!


My ex did AA, rehab, counseling (not abuse counseling), you name it, while we were married. It was his immediate response every time I'd had enough and was ready to walk. It did what he wanted it to do, it got me to stay every time. I figured, how could I walk away when he was finally trying. The problem was, what he was trying to do was keep me there, not stop drinking or stop his behavior. As soon as his real goal had been met (me staying) he'd slide back to drinking and raging. I only figured that out in hindsight.


I know you know this, but the problem with what yours is trying is this: AA is great, but alcoholism is not his only problem, getting sober won't resolve his abuse. Church won't cure his abuse either. Neither will counseling. He's abusive and that's not going to change.


My kids were 8 and 4; the oldest was quite upset that daddy didn't live there for the first night, but within a week of his leaving I saw a huge difference in them, they were more relaxed, happier, they laughed more, they were just more free. And I hadn't realized they were at all affected by him all those years, they seemed like happy, adjusted kids. It just goes to show.


When I left I knew there was no chance of me going back, I knew once I was out, there was no way I'd put myself back there. I hope you feel the same. Life is very good on the other side of abuse. I swear the sky is bluer and the air is sweeter. Even problems became a joy to deal with, I no longer had to worry about what he'd have to say about them. I'd always thought life without him would be the same amount of work with less stress, and I was right.


Seven years after I left I was on the phone with him (kids) and he stopped talking to me and started screaming at his girlfriend. His words, his tone, everything about it was exactly as it had been when we were together. It all came back to me in a rush. I admit I smiled, the memory only made me so glad I wasn't living that life anymore. I did feel sorry for his girlfriend, I know what she's dealing with. In seven years he hadn't changed a bit, he was exactly as he had been. If I hadn't left I'd have still been in the middle of the same hell. My only regret ever has been not leaving sooner.





Edited 1/23/2007 2:28 am ET by 2nd_life

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 1:30pm

It is so nice to read your words. Thank you for putting them down.

I have been reading Why Does He Does That - and ended up throwing it across the room yesterday. I am wondering when this ten pound weight on my chest will be removed? I know it is over and will have to tell him we need a divorce, but I need to get an attorney first. I will be doing that this week. I am fearful of the future, but it is a good fear. The known bad fear would be to stay with him. I know what that is like.

I don't know what woke me up. I have been in a cloud for the last year. Almost a year ago I told him he needed to move out, but he said he was willing to try (again) and went to two counseling sessions. He has been through alcohol treatment, and then back off the wagon before. He has been to counseling but always found a reason not to go back. And then people have died, babies have been born, jobs have changed and my mind has been elsewhere and then....I woke up.

I realized I would isolate myself in my own bathroom. How absurd. Taking me away from my children.

He told me today he thinks I have someone else in my life which feeds the total knowledge that he still doesn't get it. He would rather blame me for all of this - and never get that I am just moving on.

I know he needs AA as well as an abuser program, but honestly - I do not care anymore (except for the children's sake) if he goes. He is not mine to fix. I am mine to fix, and it is my turn. I am long overdue.

So this week, I will find my own counselor - who specializes in abuse - and an attorney and attend an al-anon meeting. Those are my goals.

Memories of his abusiveness keep flooding back in - like I just woke up out of a bad dream. I am trying to write them all down so I won't repress them again. Stuff I had totally forgotten about and along with that - the feelings of anger that I have and hurt. It is coming out in pure rage. I am so pissed off.

I am trying to figure out why if I just woke up - why am I so tired?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 5:56pm

God bless apathy. :)

Sweetie, you're tired because for how many years, you've been in fight or flight mode.
Your body is just now accepting the idea that it doesn't need to operate on adrenalin. Lots of perhaps-minor health issues will resolve themselves, probably without you even noticing.

You do describe some PTSD stuff, which is SO totally normal. I suggest watching your own reaction AFTER the shout, rage, intimidation doesn't actually come. Some people find themselves getting mad just out of habit, which indicates a change necessary. Some just cry. Some just remain jumpy. The point is, when you do find yourself a counselor, talk about this with her.

Read the 100 days thing, because like abuse, his behavior, and his behavior if you want to/actually leave, recovery is a pattern.

Congratulations, though. I wish you renewed strength. The easiest part is over. Now begins the work.

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 10:35pm

Reading your posts, was like reliving my life a couple of months ago! Locking myself in the bathroom, almost as soon as H got home, I had to avoid him, I had to deal w/ all the angry feelings I was flooded w/, all my resentment towards him! Writing all your memories of abuse down is a good idea, I did, spent a lot of time crying when I reread them. It was better than going back and giving up on doing better for me and the kids though.

I know being fearful, there's a lot I didn't have to worry about, but there's a lot I wasn't allowed. That will all work out for you. I really admire you looking for a lawyer, DV counselor, and going to an Al-Anon meeting. Let us know how everything goes! Good for you for taking care of you!

I'm sorry you're tired, I know what that's like. You'll get your energy back though. I'm getting mine back a little all the time! Best of luck!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 8:29am
I'm like a kid standing outside a candy store reading your exchanges here. Your lives mirror mine so much it's scary. I so very much want to be where you are, and I know what it feels like to hide in the bathroom, and run around with this nervous energy when I'm home, because I don't want to be near him. I've been taking sleeping pills at night, and I love it because it's an escape, but I keep thinking that I won't have to take them when he's gone. Right now I'm supposed to go to work, and my kids are supposed to got to school, but my son has a 102 temp. And what is my biggest concern? That he'll be mad. And his first concern will be who do we blame for giving him this, and I suppose I'll get it now. Damn kids. But I have to figure out what to do with my son, because I can't not go to work. I'm just so sad right now. I feel lke it's more than I can deal with. I am having health problems because of the stress. I'm worried that I'll let it go on too long and it will take me away from my kids. Gotta go deal with this. Denise
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 9:22am

My heart is with you. I am so glad to hear it is not just me - and you should know it is not just you. That everything you are feeling - others have felt too. I don't know what woke me up, but here I am. I hope you wake up too. Reality is scary, but when it becomes your own reality - it is a good scary.

I am still fighting jumpiness, and I think I will for a very long time. I haven't told him yet that it is finally over and he is attempting to jump through hoops that I never laid out.

My freedom scares me - I had no idea he had this much affect on me, that I have conversations and work hard at preventing arguements with a man who is not here.

Good luck to you - and know you are not alone in any of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 1:18pm

Hi gettinsilly,


He is calling to check in and tell you he is going to AA to TRY and convince you he has changed.... or to give him one more chance because he is *trying* to get better. It doesn't happen like that. It is only happening like this because he sees that he is losing control over you and will say anything to get you back. My abuser said he was going to counselling and he knew that he had problems... Yes he went, but it didn't make me stay and give him another chance. He only went to I think 3 appt.... then he stopped going. Wow! He seen that it wouldn't keep me, so why go to counselling still. It is only a trick.


I'm so happy you stood up for youself and say no more updates or calls... You go girl!


Have you thought about checking out counselling for yourself? Or even going to a support group? Check out your local womens shelter and see what they have to offer.


Hugs, Lauren




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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 6:23pm

Hiding in the bathroom, the only place he'd leave me alone! Please be careful w/ the sleeping pills, especially w/ kids. If he knows, he'll use it against you.

Know what you mean about having sick little ones. If I ever kept anyone home from school H would ask if I was too lazy to get them ready for school. Yeah, but I'm up to do day care!

It is a lot to deal w/, but you can do it! Have you ever been to a DV counselor? Have you ever called the hotline? Making the call isn't a commitment, it's educating and protecting yourself and the kids. It can be done as often as you do or don't like. It's been so helpful to find supportive people. H always hated others knowing our business. I feel better about all of this having supportive people in my life. I was hurt a little cause it took awhile for my family to get it, and sometimes family and friends don't get it, if they haven't been there. We get it, DV counselors get it.

I hope your son is feeling better now. My daughter was up at 1am-2:30, getting sick. What health problems are you having? I was diagnosed w/ panic D/O after 8 1/2 years w/ H. The stress is awful, I agree!

You hang in there, we're all here for you! If you can reach out to your local DV center, they're very helpful and supportive. Have you sought any medical treatment?

Take care, hope to hear from you soon!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 7:30pm
Thank you to everyone for your support, it feels so good to have some one to talk to. Maybe I'll call a DV place and talk to someone. He knows I've been taking the sleeping pills, another in my long list of flaws, I'm a freak who can't get to sleep at night. I've been seeing a Doc, had some chest pains, went away with the sleeping pills. Just things that I know are due to stress, I can't believe I still even have a period! My son's feeling okay with motrin and my daycare will let him sleep on the couch. It was too much to ask to have H pick him up after work, he gets done first,but was too tired or grumpy or something, so he had to stay all day at d.c. I'll keep him out of school tomorrow, too. Thanks again, good luck to you all, if you can do it, so can I, right? Denise
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 8:19pm

You can do it! getting support for yourself is very important! I trust the ladies on this board so much, no one's lied, or let me down. Sometimes it's been a painful honesty, but from others who've been there.

You're not a freak, chest pains, it sounds like anxiety or panic. It's great that you're seeing a Dr., please be completely honest w/ him/her! My Dr. has been very supportive of my situation and recognizes emotional abuse. He takes plenty of notes, I'm grateful for that.

This will probably be hard, but so is life right now, right? Keep reading and posting, you'll find you have so much in common w/ us! We're here to listen and help, and we're getting through this w/ you!

Carrie

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