Feeling like a caged animal
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| Thu, 08-19-2004 - 5:37pm |
I really feel like I want to get away, not because of any specific incident recently, but I think my brain is working overtime or something. I was talking to a friend the other night who was talking to me about all the messed up things his stepmother did when he was growing up and how mad he sometimes was at his dad for not stepping in. And I am sitting there deftly reciting everything I know about the dynamic of abuse, and everything I have learned here, and I was just ... overcome for a moment. There I was talking about this stuff from the outside when it is a real facet of my life. He asked if there was something I wasn't telling him. I breezed by it. I guess I'm not ready, and worry what he will think, because I think he has this idea that I have this perfect family and marriage. (He was my son's teacher last year.)
Anyway, all this is making it so hard to concentrate on anything at work. Does this constant feeling of dreadful anticipation sound familiar to anyone else. I'm beginning to feel very indifferent, even hostile, toward my H. I don't have any desire to be around him or talk to him. I'm feeling a little self-centered. I don't know. Perhaps I am just losing my mind.
Thanks for the vent. Maybe I can get back to work now.
MG

I vote for option 2, MG.
CL-Blueliner4
A lot of us have felt the same exact way.
CL-Blueliner4
I think it has something to do with unconsciously gathering momentum. Well, that and as you learn, you begin looking at your own situation with clearer eyes. I certainly did, and as soon as I told my family and closest friends, things became very different for me and the idea of leaving became much more concrete. I WASN'T crazy, the things he was saying and doing really were bad and wrong and not part of a healthy relationship. Hearing that from people whom I love and respect started a lot of things churning in me, which culminated when I got us out.
I live in the south, and was quite worried about the community's view and the effects of our split on our son. But from what I'm hearing, even here there are enough divorces that he won't be alone in it. And the alternative is far, far worse. I'm studying how to make it as good for him as possible, as well as things he/we can say if and when other children start to mess with him. There are lots of resources out there (of wildly varying quality, from what I've seen).
I think you're gearing up. You're realizing the potential, much better life that's out there for you, frightening as the idea is. Good luck, and take care.
Of course, as I type this, I'm sitting here waiting for estranged H to come retrieve his SH*T from my shed. Several of my coworkers came and helped me move it out there so he doesn't have to come in the house. He was supposed to be here between 8:30 and 9:00. I'm going to tell him he can't come now-it's getting late and I don't want to deal with it. So it's much, much better, but far from over even now that we've split.
CC
I have to tell you that I felt just like you do for quite awhile, years even. Then I was able to explain a lot away and put it in the back of my mind and go on. Then one day...it just hit me!! Like someone said...standing on the edge of a cliff but afraid to look down. I just knew one day that I was a shell of who I once was and that a lot of it had to do with my marriage and that I wasn't doing my children any good being that way. Most of all too that I was so very unhappy and totally lost all self esteem in myself. I was the girl that could conquour the world...it took years to figure out how such a bad relationship affected me but I have.
Here is the good part. I am taking the steps, finally to change and I can see freedom and I think that I am better than I have been in years...does that make sense?? You will get to that point. It's hard right now but at the same time I feel strong and I see my freedom and most importantly I see my children actually watching me take a stand and although I won't bad talk their father, I know that one day they will see what they need to see and that they actually have a chance by my doing this to not repeat the cycle that my H and I had created.
Hang in there and follow your heart. follow what you feel is right and please, please, please...think of yourself because I am learning that "we" (victims) allow them to manipulate us and we don't believe in ourselves anymore. Believe in yourself and your heart will tell you what to do and your head will follow. Good luck hon!! Keep talking to us...this board has helped me sooo much and I just started a couple weeks ago.
Take care of you
katlc