Feeling Restless
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| Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:04pm |
Hello board,
I can't believe I missed this board when I first started posting on IVillage, but this is the place that I should have been posting all along. I was looking for an appropriate place to post my concern, and feel that this probably comes the closest.
I dont know how many on this board have read other boards that Ive posted on, but in any case, Ive been dealing with ALOT lately. Everything from a crappy work environment to an agonizingly bad relationship that I just cant seem to end to parents who just dont give a damn has come up, and I thank those who gave me advice on these topics.
My concern today deals with the parents, and what is right to do vs. what I want (and need) to do. A bit of background for those who are not familiar with my situation:
I am currently living in the same household as my parents. This came about as a result of neither of them stepping up and being responsible for their own lives. I had moved out of my parents' house about 4 years ago, and for the last two places of residence that Ive had, they have both moved in with me. The first time was planned due to the death of my younger brother and my mom's health issues, but this time was pretty much forced on me through guilt. (BTW, I am 23.)
My father is 56 and is an alcoholic. He gets very verbally and emotionally abusive when he drinks, and at times gets violent. He is drunk most of the month and blows his money (which he receives from the VA each month) on beer. My mother is 50, has heart problems, but refuses to live her own life. She is not incapable of supporting herself, but chooses not to. She has worked at Wendy's for 20+ years and will not consider other, better employment. They have been divorced for 12 years now, and my mother has moved on and has been dating a guy for about the same amount of time (12 years.) Yet she has continued to depend on my father for financial support, whether she really NEEDS it or not. They have a sick cycle of codependency going on that I want NO part of.
Now, I admit that they have both helped me out financially when I hit a rough patch not too long ago, but that's the extent of their help. My father occassionally helps out around the house, but my mother has never cooked or cleaned, and neither of them respect the household. I constantly have to put up with beer cans everywhere, yelling, screaming, and total disrespect. She won't kick him out because she depends on him financially, and if I tell him to leave, she lets him right back in. It's dysfunction with a capital D.
I am quite frankly sick of being in the middle of all of this. I miss my freedom and my privacy. I miss being able to wake up to a house that doesnt reek of cigarettes and boos. I miss not having to worry about fighting or things getting out of hand. In general, I miss my life.
Recently, Ive made some changes in my life for the better. I went back to school to finish my degree, Ive dropped 24 lbs, and I just started a job that I really love. This is a welcome change of pace after the depression caused by my brother's death dragged me down for well over a year. Also, the insurance settlement from my brother's case went through (wrongful death suit), and this has provided a bit more financial stability. It was for 12.5, certainly not enough for the pain and suffering my family went through, but it was the max payout. My mother ended up with 9.5 of that, and gave me 3 grand. My father wanted no part of the settlement. Now the agreement was that after she received that settlement, that my dad would move on (as he's been wanting to do for YEARS), and so would I.
However, she has not made any plans for the future to accomodate these changes, nor do I feel that she will. This is part of why living together was necessary to begin with: she refuses to look at other options. She has plenty, from 9 brothers and sisters who will take her in to her longterm bf to moving out on her own. She wont even consider them, and continues to think that depending on my father for money and depending on me for housing is the right thing to do. Now as a daughter, I DO have a moral obligation to my parents. However, I honestly feel that was fulfilled long ago. She is fully capable of standing on her own two feet now, but has ALWAYS had someone taking care of her. She is in complete denial that my father and I moving on to our own seperate lives is necessary.
I have determined that it is not possible to live with my father because of his lifestyle. It is total opposite from mine being that I dont drink or smoke at all. Then there's the abuse..... Living with my mother would be just as implausible, as she constantly tries to control everything I do in my life. I have to clear all purchases with her, no matter how small, even though she doesnt have to do the same with me. If rent and bills are already paid up, and I have money saved in the bank, she STILL feels like it's her business if I buy something for myself or for the home. It's gone beyond just her looking out for me. Plus even if I just lived with her, she would eventually allow my dad into the household (just like this time) no matter how I felt about it. So the only option for me is to leave. What she chooses to do with this 3 bedroom house is up to her, but I cant do it anymore.
She is well aware of the fact that I am planning to leave soon. Of course she tries to act like it's not a reality, but that's typical when she is faced with a problem. When we first got the insurance settlement (about a month ago), I told her I'd be moving out in a few months. I wanted to give her a grace period. (The landlord has already okayed all of this and is completely sympathetic with my situation.) But the last week or so has got me feeling totally restless. My dad has been drinking heavily again, and has left the house in shambles this morning. My patience has been stretched beyond the breaking point, and quite frankly, I feel like getting the heck out NOW. I have the financial backing (something I didnt have before) now, and am capable of moving out today if thats what I truly wanted to do. I've been wanting out of this situation since it started (February), but dont know when the appropriate time to carry out my plans is.
I see no sign of my mom preparing for this, nor do I feel she has any sort of plan. She wont even really talk about it. So my issue is this: I told her Id give her a few months to get situated before I left, but Ive said that before (in my last apartment) and she never did even TRY to get situated. Thats why I wound up getting a place with her again. She didnt have a plan. Im highly doubting that she will have even given this much THOUGHT, let alone have a plan ready, in a few months. I truly want out NOW. Is it more important to keep my word even though I think it will be in vain than it is to finally be happy and free of this cycle of domestic abuse? On one hand I feel that I should stick to my original agreement of a few months grace period, but on the other hand...I need to get out of this mess. Any thoughts?

Im just very frustrated with myself right now. Ive been wanting out of this situation for quite some time, yet now that Ive been presented with the opportunity to leave, I feel like a traitor. I KNOW this isnt good for me. I KNOW that I am not responsible for their decisions. Sometimes I sit here and wonder what it would be like if my brother was still around. He would be 21 right now. Even though he died just last year, it feels like it was yesterday AND an eternity ago at the same time. I often wonder what he would do in my situation...how he would handle it, and what he would think of his older sister moving on. His death was a devastating blow to this family, but the problems were going on long before either of us were born.
Some days I think that staying would be more noble than just turning tail and running. I know thats not what it is, but thats what it FEELS like. Then other days I wonder what the hell is wrong with me and why Im still sitting here typing about it instead of calling a moving company.
I know that I have NO business being dragged into their fights, and that I cannot handle much more of this. I should be happier than what I am right now given the fact that Im finishing my degree, Ive dropped some weight, and I finally landed a decent job. But the fact is...the situation here at home is really restricting how much happiness and success Im feeling. Ive gained back a couple of pounds....mostly due to a complete change in schedule and the fact that I no longer have the YMCA's facilities at my fingertips. (That was my old job...and the only thing I liked about it was the fact that I got a free membership to the gym.) I bought a home gym on clearance (it was one heck of a deal!), but was immediately chastised for doing so by my mother. I feel like Im being suffocated, almost stifled. Those that Ive spoken to IRL think I should stick it out. They see me moving any sooner than a few months from now as being a foolish thing to do. *Sighs*
Each day that passes brings more restlessness and resentment toward the situation. Last night is a shining example. I came home from work about 11 last night, and just wanted to go to bed. About 15 minutes after I went upstairs, my father comes home, very drunk, and calls me downstairs. He hands me a box and tells me that my mother has one, and now I do. I opened the box to find a gorgeous pearl necklace. At first I was almost in tears, because he had never given me anything like that before, and I began to walk over and give him a hug. But that moment would be fleeting, as the joy and thoughtfulness of his gift would soon shift to bitter words. Out of nowhere, he began insulting my mother, and talking about hurting one of my cats. (I have a 5 year old male and a year old female. The female is not spayed, so she meows alot when she goes into heat. He makes a big deal out of this because she rubs up against him alot.) He has already thrown this cat across the room in the past, causing me to have to take her to an emergency vet at midnight. Even though he knows that I have a vet appointment set up for Monday morning, he still started in with the threats. So moods and situations can change in a heart beat with my parents. What should have been an intimate moment between father and daughter turned into another drunk fight.
Why cant I just make the right decision???
The right decision is the one you want to make -- to leave. You should not be living in an abusive situation, period. You love your parents and you feel responsible for them, but that is what they want you to feel -- like they are your responsibility and they are not. They are grown adults who have to take responsibility for themselves.
I would suggest that you plan your departure and don't give them the details until you have moved out. To alleviate your guilt, see what social services can offer your parents and give them all of the information on your way out the door. They will yell and scream, etc. but that is not your problem. I am sure there are programs out there to help them and if they really want help, especially after you provide them with the information, then they will go for it. If they don't, they won't, they will just continue to try to abuse you to make themselves feel better. But you will be gone and getting therapy (I hope) to put up better boundaries.
I know this is hard, but this is the right way to handle things. You deserve your own life.
Good Luck,
Tobermory
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, I can identify with what you're going through. I'm 21 and lived in a similar situation until a year ago, though neither of my parents drank. They have been married for 25 years, living separate lives (in the same house) for the past 10 years. They dragged me, my two sisters and brother through every argument, every time my Dad cheated and even tried to get us to take sides. We have begged our mother so many times to leave but likewise, she is dependant on him. They have some twisted relationship where they just won't move on, even though they despise each other. It's toxic, unatural and more damagng to us than we will ever know.
Like you, I was reluctant to leave. I felt somehow responsible for them, and my younger sister who is still there but I was told by a councellor that I had to go. The longer I stayed, the more damaging it would be. Luckily for me, I had a wonderful boyfriend (now husband)who meant the world to me. He was moving 3000 miles away and asked me to go. It was the easiest, and most difficult decision I've ever made. It broke my heart (and still does)to think of my family, whom I love so much living in that hell, that I was leaving them behind. But, I knew I had to do it, for my health, my sanity. I saw how the situation I grew up in damaged my beliefs, my views on marriage, my ability to trust and I saw just how wrong it was. Now I'm making a life for myself here and I have never been happier. I still battle with my conscience but I know that I did the right thing by leaving.
I simply cannot comprehend what it must have been like to lose your brother, nor will I try. The fact that you could come through that means that you can come through anything. You are an amazingly strong person. I'm guessing that your brothers death has made you feel even more responsible for your parents but you're not, never have been. Your leaving may be the push they need to get on with their lives. They'll have no more excuses. So take that step, it won't be easy but once you step outside of the situation you'll realise how happy you can be. Try and move far away so you won't get sucked back in. You're parents putting you in this situation is wrong. You'll find that you can get along with them having distanced yourself. Do it now, don't tell your parents until you're going. Sure, they won't like it because it means they might have to live again themselves but it has to be done. Like I said, it won't be easy but stay strong.