feeling sad
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feeling sad
| Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:23am |
Hi Everyone,
I haven't posted in a while. I just wanted to say hi and say I haven't spoke to my ex in over 1 month. I am not sure at this point if it is really good or not. I feel guilty sometimes because of our situation. Having HIV and the abuse I endured, then I feel better, sometimes. I just feel so sad and I wish it would stop. He hasn't tried to call me and it feels like he doesn't care and that seems to hurt so much more. I think about him constantly wondering if he thinks of me. He probably is blaming everything on me like before. How do I get past all these feelings why am I so miserable. I am on antidepressants and I still don't feel the way I used to. I don't feel like me. I feel lost and hurt. Any advice.

Sara, honey, it feels like he doesn't care because *he doesn't care*. This guy gave you HIV, without even so much as a thought of how that would affect your life forever.
I know it hurts right now, and I know you're scared. You're probably thinking that you've lost everything if you've lost him, but I'm here to tell you -- you haven't lost one single thing. The only thing you stand to lose is an extremely bad influence on your life. If this guy really cared about you, he would never have abused you in the first place, much less would he have infected you with HIV. But, you can't carry a bunch of anger toward him for this kind of behavior. It's who he is. He won't change, because he *can't* change. Ever.
That's one major characteristic of an abusive personality -- they can't think beyond themselves. It's not that they purposefully set out to be hateful and hurtful toward us; they just don't know any better. BUT, they *do* have a CHOICE! They can *choose* to get into batterer's intervention therapy on their own. They can *choose* to help themselves. We can't force them to be better people; that has to come from within themselves. There is absolutely nothing you can do for him now. But, more importantly, it's not your *job* to do anything for him. Stop taking care of him and worrying about him! How much has he ever taken care of you, or worried about you?!?! If he thinks this is all your fault, LET HIM. That's *his* problem, and it's *his* to deal with -- *not* yours!
Sweetheart, just let him go. I know how you're feeling, I've been there. It really does get better with time, I promise. Congratulations on one whole month of "no contact." We're proud of you, and keep up the good work! It was good to hear from you again, hon, I was starting to worry about you. Please keep us posted! And if you ever need to talk, please feel free to e-mail me through my profile.
Love & Hugs,
Emm
I want to say thanks for all you had to say. It really means so much to me. That touched me. I guess it is all in the process of healing. You are right. I need to care for myself now. That is one of the reasons why I couldn't stay with him is because I dedicated so much of myself to him that I lost who I was. I know in my heart it is the best decision. I am sure in time I will feel much better. I think I am starting to get some closure to all of this because it doesn't hurt right now. Usually whenever I talk about him it hurts. I told a lady that I've known now for a few years. She takes care of my 4 month old nephew and she was so supportive, I've been receiving a lot of support. Here on the board at church. I am grateful, thank God for someone to relate to. Thank you for your thoughts and your compassion. I am grateful. I hope you have a good night. I feel good now. I feel a release, big time. Like a weight lifted off my chest. Thanks again.
Love,
Bella
Hey Bella, I'm glad you're feeling better.
The feeling of losing one's self to these guys happens to almost all of us.
CL-Blueliner4
Good luck to you, dear, and keep us updated!
Love & Hugs,
Emm
Today I am alright, I feel sad today. I am not sure if it is because I went to the clinic with my son and saw a lot of little children and realized. I am 25 and won't have any more children of my own. It hurts extremely. Especially today for some reason. I guess it is the ups and downs. My son askes for him as well. I just say he is busy working. I am not sure what he is doing. But it is like I think is he sad does he miss me, does he think of me as I think of him. I know in my heart no matter what he will never be on the same emotional level as me and that hurts too, because he can't feel. He can't begin to understand. I don't know.. I just feel down today.
Bella
Bella,
We've all had the same feelings of "I wonder what he's doing?" "Is he missing me?" "Is he sad?".
CL-Blueliner4