Feeling so deflated.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Feeling so deflated.....
13
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:29am

After close to three weeks separated H went from promising to go to counselling, to pleading with me to "understand him and his needs as a man", to outright blaming me for everything that has ended this relationship and effectively our family.
I am trying to be strong but I feel so deflated. He called me last night at 1 am more or less to let me know he can't stand me, can't stand looking at me, he is disgusted by me. That I am the reason why he must leave. I am dead inside and he feels so lonely around me. Has anyone else been told this?
He has said that I pay all of my attention to the kids and he feels so lonely. In my opinion I have just gotten used to him not being around - his shift work, his second job and his choice to go out drinking with his budddies instead of spending time at home with his family. Our lives went on - aside from the fact that our children are 5 (had a birthday this week) and soon to be 3 - they need our attention and time. He has put so much effort into putting me down over the years and talking over top of me, dismissing my opinions and ignoring my pleas for attention, time and finally marriage counselling that I just stopped being able to relate to him. It was probably a defense mechanism as well... I don't know. I know I can't go back to the way things were. I really don't miss him at all - but I do miss having him around. I have no intention of jumping into another relationship anytime soon - I want to focus on my girls and ensuring that I never end up in another unbalanced relationship again. Not sure how to do that but it is a priority for me....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:00am

Oh, goodness, do I/we understand.
Look at all the (predictable) tactics he takes. Almost like someone handed him a script.

It's easy to feel deflated and like you weight a gudzillion pounds. Or at least that much is sitting on your shoulders.

I am curious as to why you answered the phone? I know I do in my sleep, thinking there's an emergency. Do you do the same thing? And, just for conversation's sake, why didn't you hang up? You don't have to listen to his hoo-ha. If he feels that way, why force him to suffer through the trouble of berating you?

Just one day at a time. Are you journaling? Can you read your older posts here? You might miss him being around -- although it sounds like he wasn't -- but do you miss the SOS? If you have any doubts, do reread your posts if you're not journaling.

One day at a time. One hour, one minute, one breath.
C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:07pm

Hi Rose,


Ok,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 5:13pm

Rose, I'm so sorry he's being so persistent.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 7:32pm

I swear, when all else fails they use the family and the kids to guilt trip us! Some of H's last words to me were "All I've tried to do is support this family, and all you're doing is tearing it apart" What meabs more to a woman that her children? Nothing! He in one breath comments on how you're to blame for your break up and how it'll affect your family. Than complains of your time w/ the kids?

I think you wanting to focus on your girls is the right things to do! Amamzing how the less they're able to manipulate you the easier it is to focus on and enjoy the kids!

I've missed having H around a few times. It's just so nice to see how I don't question myself as much now. Sometimes I even catch myself doing things that don't matter, but he would've b!t@ed about, than realize I don't have to. I hope you notice that while you're used to haveing him there, it wasn't healthy for anyone.

Take care Rose,

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:44pm

I just instinctively answered the phone last night. I know I should of hung up but he called once to talk and I said I was very tired and already sleeping - he said fine and hung up. Then five minutes later the phone rang again - knowing him he figured "F-you - I want to talk so that is the way it is going to be". He originally said he wanted to come here to talk. I said no. I was worried that if I hung up he might jump in his truck and drive over here. i live in the country. I really don't want him here - especially so late at night. Plus I am certain he had been drinking so no matter what he was going to give me an earful.

I feel like I am living under seige - I just want the next few months to be over with.

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:51pm
I know that you are right - it seems like the obvious thing to do - just hang up and put an end to it. If I thought for a second that would be the end. I would hang up. But he was drinking and he is stubborn and arrogant and beligerant when he drinks. He just would have driven over here. I live in the country so I don't want to chance that. He is out drinking again tonight with his friends. He sent me a text message saying "tell the kids I love them so much". I did not respond to him - but I have a feeling I'll be getting another call. He should have called the girls to say goodnight but he didn't. I do feel threatened by him. I met with my counsellor today and I can tell she is very concerned as well. In her opinion "he is not going to go away quietly..." Fun fun fun....
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:58pm

These guys do seem to all sing from the same song sheet. I am waiting for the axe to fall tonight - he sent me a text at 8pm to say - "tell the kids I love them so much" - that is just eerie to me. He should have talked to them on the phone to say goodnight. We still haven't told the girls yet. I am so so so dreading it - but I also just want it over with. I'm not sure but I am hoping that maybe once that weight is off our shoulders and hopefully they deal with it ok - that maybe he will relax a little.

I am starting to feel a little sorry for myself - how did I get mixed up in this? I know it is not my fault but how did I let this get this bad? I want answers!!!

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:12pm
I think I miss him - of course when things were calm. He had said on numerous occasions he thinks that this whole thing hasn't even affected me. In actuality I think I have developed an ulcer. I try to be fun and act as normal as humanly possible for the kids sake - that is the very least we can do for them. Because we haven't told the kids and only a couple of close friends that we have split - most people don't yet know - I am pretty much putting on a front. I know it is in my best interest to let it come out from him - he would freak on me otherwise. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place....
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:20pm

You got mixed up in this, just like the rest of us did! There is an out. Alright, so you're worried about his upcoming call, text, or him showing up, I completely understand! Let me tell you it was 2 weeks before H had a R/O and no contact w/ him before I slept through the night.

As sick as it seems, he will use the kids (texting about the kids) to get your attention! I never dreamed H would file for custody, but he is, cause he can't come near me and it's his only way to get to me. I know you're worried about living in the country, but if you're scared you need to call the cops or the DV hotline! The cops would love to pick up someone who's been drinking and driving! Do you have neighbors that know what's going on? That saved my butt plenty of times!

I don't think he will relax once the kids know, mine was going around and around after he found out I told someone else, the kids found out after he was removed. Even than I had to explain to them after visiting w/ him, that we wouldn't be together, he wouldn't acknowledge it!

Can you call the hotline tonight? Just to talk to someone? You didn't let it get this bad, you didn't let it get this way! You tried. It's much easier to get answers and heal being away from them.

I hope you're able to rest tonight. I hope you'll call the hotline to talk. I'm sure they can help you feel better.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:45pm

It is amazing just how much better I feel posting here. H is a fire fighter - cops never charge fire fighters - thats why they all have those stickers in their personal vehicle windows or identification on thier licence plates. It is a well known fact. I actually know one of his friends/co-workers was caught totally wasted - drinking and driving - the police made him park his vehicle and then drove him home - no charges.

I don't even know what I would say to the hotline to be honest. What would they tell me? Gee hon we're so sorry. ??? I am scared but he hasn't done anything really. They will think I am cracked.

I know my counsellor wants me to change the locks. I am concerned that that would cause more trouble (aside from the fact that I would have to have 7 to eight doors changed plus garage doors reprogrammed and another digital lock reprogrammed as well. It would not be a small undertaking. I know it seems like I am resisting these suggestions but I am weighing them and trying to figure out if it will cause more harm - inflame him...?

Rosecolouredspecs

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