Feeling terrifed and paralyzed

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Feeling terrifed and paralyzed
4
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 10:03am

I am on a total emotional roller coaster right now and I cannot seem to pull myself together. I spent almost the entire weekend in tears. Friday was uncomfortable. When I didn't want to be intimate, all he wanted to do was pull me close and not let me go. At one point he held me tight - like he was pinning me down with a hug - and told me that he was going to kiss me until I couldn't stand it anymore. It did not feel loving - it felt like his insecurity and a power game. Then he got mad at me and left to go to the dr's by himself. I was actually pretty amazed that he managed to get dressed and out of the house by himself. Most days he needs me to find clothes for him because the closet is too dark and he says he doesn't know where anything is.

Saturday was his birthday. I wanted it to be a very special day because it was an important birthday for him. He was all glum and sad in the morning. It took everything I had to cheer him up and get him smiling again. Then I made him a great big breakfast and basically gave him all of my attention all day long. He was unhappy with me when I gave him his gifts. Unfortunately 2 shirts I had gotten him did not fit and then he didn't like his big present - a watch I got for him. He told me I missed it completetly and that he did not want a watch like that. He wound up making me cry my eyes out. I had just wanted to do something nice for him and instead I got to feel like a total failure. He did not warm up to the watch until I had cried for a long time - then he took me in his arms- kissed me- apologized for being an a** and asked me how he could stop being one. He comforted me a little but again I felt like my role was to comfort him for having hurt me again. We went out to dinner that night (a really nice and expensive restaurant) which was nice. When we got home he was all disappointed and sad again until I once again bent over backwards to make him happy and give him everything I had.

Sunday was a repeat of me bending over backwards. The only time I had for me was when I went out to choir rehearsal in the afternoon. He did help me make dinner and told me I could watch what I wanted but even while I could- he kept calling me and wanting me to check on him and hug him and wanting me not to go back to the other room to watch tv or read my book. I am utterly exhausted. This morning he was unhappy because I apparently did not kiss him goodnight again when I finally crawled into bed to go to sleep last night.

It feels like things can be alright when I devote all of my being to his needs but only then. Yet I still feel so ripped up and hurt at the idea of leaving because I know in his eyes it was a great weekend and he is really changing and trying. He realized that he was mean at one point and help me make a meal. And I know that counts for a lot with him even if it doesn't for me. We did have some nice moments together. But I am still feeling completely lost.

I know that there is a large part of me than I want there to be that wants him to change and love me and be the man I thought he was when we met. There is a large part of me that still no matter what puts his feelings before my own at all times, without even thinking. There is a part of me that feels like I am being ripped in part at the idea of hurting him in any way. I do not know if I will be hurting him or just inconveniencing him.

I am thinking of telling him that my leaving is a trial separation- for me to get my feet under me and take care of myself and for him to take care of himself- that while we will live apart I can still see him and we could even go out on dates. I do not really think that this is possible because I think that he will be enraged to lose control of me - yet I feel like this is the one last chance I can give him - to improve himself and try to stop being the way he is without me there and without having lost me forever yet. I know I cannot live with him and have anything improve. I know that I need to get out. And I don't really think it will ever work again but there is this small part of me that always feels like I am being wrong or unfair and that wants to give him this absolute last chance.

Has anyone ever tried this route? Am I being rational at all? How do I get out without falling apart completely and hating myself completely? As it gets closer and closer I am having a harder and harder time. I feel like I do not have the strength that it takes to get through the actual leaving - to get through telling him that I am leaving - to do what I need to to have my own life back.

Thank you again for letting me post here and keeping a slight handle on what is left of my sanity.

Demeter

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 3:29pm

Demeter,

I've been lurking on this board for awhile, I have just realized over the last year that I've been being emotionally abused by my husband. We've been together for nine years, married for 5.

I had to respond to your post because it sounds so similar to some of the things I've gone through. Because of him, I dread all special occasions - especially his birthday and Christmas. Before I met him never once had anyone ever complained about a gift I had given. No one had ever said I wasn't trying, wasn't paying attention to what he "really" wanted or the gift wasn't personal or thoughtful enough. Back at the beginning, all his complaints did were make me feel guilty and make me try harder. The problem is - NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. Nothing. There will always be some problem with what you did or didn't get him. This goes hand in hand with all of his other behaviour I imagine. Does he expect you to read his mind? Know everything he wants from day to day? Slowly it makes you feel crazier and crazier.

Until you get to the point where I am now - I don't care. I don't care one bit. I don't love him and frankly don't care what will happen to when I leave him. Because I am going to leave him one day. It is going to take research and planning and I am just in the beginning stages but it is going to happen. I am going to get my life back. I am not a bad, selfish, thoughtless person and neither are you. Although I'll bet your SO makes you feel that way quite often, right? While he treats you like a princess, right? He treats you so well that no one else could treat you better? I've heard it all and I'm so sick of it.

I feel for you, I truly do. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you still love him. And I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it; no one does. Please know that you're not crazy or insane. It's his thoughts and his problems that are making you feel this way. These guys are experts at making people feel like all of their problems are caused by us. Because we don't care enough and don't love them enough. Well, I'll say it again - it will never be enough. I married mine thinking it would change him. I feel so stupid. In fact, I have so many regrets that I can't look back on everything anymore because it is way to depressing.

Oh, I've also been the one to comfort him while he's feeling bad for hurting me. So you know, it won't stop happening. It's the way they twist everything around. 'I'm sorry, I'm such a jerk, I don't know why you're with me, blah, blah, blah'. All of a sudden you realize, what am I doing?? At least I did. It's the way they take the focus off of our anger at them so we end up saying, 'it's ok, i'll get over it, etc. etc.'. It's happened too many times for me to count.

However, I've turned a corner. I'm going to get out. I'm so tired of making all my decisions based on how he might react. It's what I do without thinking now. It's horrible. I'm going to have to totally reprogram myself. But I hope this happens for you too because I don't think he'll change and you'll make yourself crazy trying to make his life perfect. I'm glad you are trying to go for a "temporary" separation, because I'm sure you're afraid of his reaction, God knows I'm afraid too. I truly think it would be the best thing for you to just cut it off completely. I don't know your situation - married, kids, etc. I have 2 kids and I can't cut mine off completely although I'd love too. That's why I have alot of planning and research ahead of me.

I wish you the best, whatever you decide. I just don't think he'll change. There will always be good times and that's what seem to keep us there. But the problem is there truly isn't enough good and we allow ourselves to settle for so much less than we deserve.

Good luck,
Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 4:15pm

Lisa,

Thank you so mush for your response. It does sound like we are living close to the same life. I am not married to himm as he is still married to his ex though I am sure that I would have married him had the situation been different. In fact, I used to want to marry him so badly and was so hurt that he would rather remain married to his ex. I remember asking him how he could expect me to stay when he was married to her and all the replies I ever got from him hurt me and so I finally tried to stop myself from even wanting it anymore. The funny thing is that now he is gung ho to get married - I guess as a way to hold me to him legally- to trap me. Though it is supposedly out of his great love for me - he's never worked so hard on any other relationship etc.

He does not get along with his ex and neither do I am for years I let my image of her bear all the brunt of my anger and pain in the relationship - if he wasn't married to her anymore - if he didn't have custody problems with her, etc. I always defended him - was always on his side - gave him lots of money to resolve issues without ever expecting or being repaid or truly thanked for it. Now while I still do not like her for some valid reasons I try hard not to demonize her in my mind because I know that was simply my way of letting him off of the hook and pretending that everything was ok.

We do not have any children together either which has also been a cause for hurt. He has 5 - 4 with his wife and one with an ex girlfriend. I have played step-mother type role for the last 6 years but a role without much thanks. Again I am always the one who is wrong no matter what the situation is and I never reap any benefits of closeness, love, anything though I am expected to provide rides, money, etc whenever I am asked - it is demanded, etc. When I have tried to talk to him about it he tells me that he has barely any relationship with them either and receives nothing back - which is untrue - and am given examples of how I should feel overjoyed that they are in my life becaise they like what I do for them. Notice that in none of my relationships am I getting anything for me. Somehow I am supposed to be happy and fulfilled by giving all of myself away. At this point in my life I feel too old to have any children - I think that window passed me by while I was here which is just another reason for me to grieve because I always believed that I would have my own children and would be able to form loving bonds with them. (By the way I am a middle school teacher because I love to work with kids.)

I know what you mean about nothing ever being good enough. We went out for a $200 dinner and I spent time and money trying hard to please him. On my birthday I got some flowers and a trip to the 99 restaurant whihc was nice but not the same. Last birthday I got a card and the year before a pair of jeans capris and a t-shirt that cost $12 total. Not that I am trying to be selfish but I am expected to buy lavish and special gifts for he and the kids and I receive very little back and what I do receive I often have to ask for (ie on my birthday this year we started the day with him ignoring me until it was time to leave the house- I was almost to the point of tears thinking wow another year I get to feel like I don't count when he said ha,ha I bet you thought I forgot your birthday like it was a game.)

I do not know why I still love him or even if I do. I feel like I spend my life banging my head against the wall trying to prove that I am worthwhile and loveable. I guess one of the reasons I dread leaving even though I know it is the reight thing to do for me is that it is an admission of defeat- that I was never able to do or be anything that was worthy of his love no matter what I tried. I was just no good.

As I have been planning to go I have felt better but now that it is right on top of me I feel more terrified than ever. I feel like I do not have the strength. I feel like I am looking at all of his decent behavior and taking it as good enough (though never what I truly want or need.) I worry that I really am the irrational woman he paints me as who wants to much and is never satisfied and will never be loved the way I want because I simply expect too much. I cannot remember ever being in a really healthy relationship so I have no good way to measure my relationship with the world. I feel like what I want is a fairy tale though I see other women who have good relationships and who are happy.

I don't even know if the good times recently are good times or just not bad times. I know he thinks that they are good times and I get so confused. REality when I am alone and reality when I am with him are two such totally different creatures I find myself completely out of balance. He makes things sound like they are so good but in reality I know I feel like I have to walk on eggshells all the time and like I am about to have a nervous breakdown (but when I mention my negative feelings I am instantly lectured on how his feelings, life, job, situation, etc are 10 times worse than mine so I am not even allowed to feel badly about my life or ever get any sympathy for pain I might feel).

I know I can't stand this anymore. I know what the right thing to do is. I just pray that I have the strength to see it through. I have tried to leave 4 or 5 times already only to wind up back and feeling more trapped and feeling like the few people on the outside I can count on are more and more unhappy with me and I dread the day that I have no one left who is on my side - not even my family. Yet I am so isolated from these people and a phone conversation now and then just doesn't balance out what he can say to me in an 8 hour stretch. Somedays I do not know how I remain sane at all.

I feel like even here I am talking in circles but I know I need to write it and think it because only then do I stand a prayer of doing it.

I feel for you too Lisa. I hope that you are able to do good planning and get yourself anf your children out. That you are able to deprogram yourself and be you once again. Isn't it strange that that which should be the simplest and most basic of human needs is what we need the most. Just to be able to be ourselves without punishment.

I hope to hear more about you and your situation. Thank you for being there for me - for giving me an outlet - I hope as I become more sane that I can be someone who can be of help too.

Demeter

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 5:44pm

Demeter,

I hope I can be of some help, if only just to let you know that you aren't crazy. I only have a couple of minutes, but know that I understand so much of what you're talking about - walking on eggshells, etc. It's also interesting that your SO is still married. When I met my H he was also married, although he lied to me and said they were in the process of separating and getting divorce. He's sooooo good at lying. When I found out over a year later that he was still married, after telling me that they had divorced, he moved out. Had I not found out, who knows what would have happened.

Anyway, I know how all of it feels. Feeling worthless, thinking 'well, if I just do this or just try this, he'll stop acting this way'. I feel I've spent most of our relationship trying to convince H that I love him. And now? I'm not going out of my way much at all. With some things yes - I'll have sex to avoid the arguing, for sure. Part of my programming. But I don't know the last time I've told him I loved him without him saying it first. It isn't true when I say it anyway.

There's so much more I could write but really have to run. Just know you are NOT the irrational woman he paints you to be. And your comment "i don't know if there are any good times or just not bad ones" rings so true with me.

Vent anytime, and I'll look out for your posts. Maybe we can help each other.

Take care,
Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:51am

Dear Lisa,

Thank you again for your kind response. I am feeling very frayed around the edges today. I swear that he has esp whenever I am close to leaving. He really knows how to turn on the charm. Last night he was all concerned about me because I had a headache and wanted to hepl me cook dinner and was very sweet and it was pretty nice. Why couldn't he have behaved like this for the last 6 years? I know he expects that one day of good behavior should make up for everything else he has done and when I so much as suggest that it doesn't he gives me a sob story about how nothing he ever does/could do will ever make me happy and there is nothing he can do etc.

He asked me how he was doing and I told him that while we have had some nice moments I still felt like I had not done anything for me. And so he actually allowed me to sit and take a warm bath and then read my book (mostly uninterrupted) and go to sleep when I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. Now that I type this my big achievement doesn't seem so big afterall. But it was a night like I have not been able to have in a really long time as I am always supposed to be available to talk to him and entertain him and take care of him etc. Of course, this will probably all change tonight because by the time I was going to sleep last night I was getting the depression act (like I had beaten him or something) and this morning he was awfully distant and all that he would tell me is that he just is not happy. I don't know but this sounds like a fight to me. Maybe it will be the fight that I need to actually get out of the house without ten tons of horrible guilt. I certainly have felt horribly guilty about leaving this guy who was being so nice (even if only for the moment). I feel so programmed that I am supposed to be overjoyed at any attempt he makes to improve things no matter how small and no matter if they acutally make me feel better or not.

What you said about spending years trying to make your H believe that you love him rings so true to me. He alwasy tells me that I do not love hime no matter what I do - I am just never able to be lving enough to satisfy him. For years, he has told me that I would leave him. And for years thsi hurt and I did everything I could to try to convince him that I would never leave (without success of course) and its been years of me trying to fill his rather large emotional wounds without ever managing to make him happy. And of course without thinking of myself - having him think of me or showing me how much he loves me.

I wish that I could say that I do not love him anymore. I do not know if I do - if I love this fantasy him that I have seen in bits and pieces or if I am just so hurt that I need some validation for all that I have done in the relationship - that I need to be told I am worthwhile and worth loving.

Thank you again. I will continue to look for your posts as well. It seems that we do share a lot in common which is helpful - it helps make the queasy stomach - the feeling that I am insane and worthless and impossible and not worth anything fade for at least a little while. My hope is once I am out and once you can get out that those terrible feelings can go away once and for all.

Demeter