feeling very scattered..need help to focus..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
feeling very scattered..need help to focus..
46
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 12:21pm

..So looking for some support here..I am again starting to feel heart palpitations..Last 2 weeks, he put me through emotional abuse..where he refused to pay the bills..finally he did this morning (when they were overdue). There is constant power struggle with him and dd..At one point..2 weeks ago..it blew so much that she had a strong verbal fight with him..and even threatened to do something..(if ykwm). This morning, he was again crticizing something and I felt strong urge to throw the dishes at him. Even though he paid..he doesnt stop commenting or passing snide remarks ..I know I need to put an end to this song and dance..how should I get to my end goal. Met therapist..and she suggests..for me to leave and give dd the choice. I am afraid (honestly) of leaving dd there..one of them will end up in jail because the combo of them both alone is lethal..sorry..that is the way it is. Other thing is for me to just be assertive and hope he does something (so I can get him out)..that is a big risk factor..I mean why wait until someone actually gets hurt. If I try to talk or say anything to him, he comes close to my face gritting his teeth..isn't that intimidation..again..he hasn't physically touched..so nothing will be believable. I sometimes feel I am at my wits end.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 12:41pm
On waiting until he does something physical... once you cross that line, you may be just stuck waiting for him to cross the next line and the next. Needing him to do something bigger or worse each time saying that will be what breaks the camel's back gets him out of your life. Are you really willing to risk that type of escalating situation? I understand how torn you are by leaving your daughter. I wish you the best in finding a way to safety.
Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 6:28pm

I made many statements of when I was going to leave and then he tried to kill me with our son watching, I want to tell you to leave and not wait for him to do someting because of what happened to me but I know you wont leave till your ready and I


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Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 7:55pm

Actually, that is an interesting idea. Could you take your daughter away, for say spring break? You could spend some time alone, you could discuss a few things, and perhaps she would notice that things are easier without her father around.

Tobermory

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Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 12:33am

The longer you stay the worse it will get!

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 3:46pm

She is 14, I don't think he will resort to physical..he is too well ingrained in the community for that. It is mostly emotional, verbal, bullying tactics. I think I tend to let it go everytime he is going through the low phase of the cycle..Then something happens.and I get worked up. I really need to find that courage..and not sure what will make me jump the boat...Maybe I need to write down my fears..and do something..they say jumping head down is hard..but it needs to be done..At this point, maybe I need to build on my conviction..

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Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 5:00pm

Hi, Winter!

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 5:35pm

geoteo..I honestly dont know what to think any more..by lethal..I meant unhealthy mentally..and yelling..I don't mean one throwing a knife at the other. Again..I dont know if I am minimizing..you are right..when I

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 12:27am

She's 14, and she's playing you.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 7:20am
Winter, she's no different than any other 14 year old girl. She will handle the upheaval. She's a kid and adaptable. I think YOU are the one that doesn't want to deal with the upheaval. Here's a way of looking at it: Stay and both of you continue to be abused and totally miserable, but by golly, she's happy as a clam because she's gotten her way OR you can move out, see her 1/2 the time and BE HAPPY! Winter, imo, it's time for you to quit thinking so darned much and DO something. You can talk something to death, you can overthink things til you are blue in the face, but until you actually DO something, that's all it is - TALK. Put some action behind those words and you'll have something. Until then, all talk, no action, nothing changes. You'll go when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. Until then, our song to you remains the same - 13th verse.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 9:18am

Hi;

I wanted to say that when I was first trying to leave a controlling man I felt frozen and couldnt move from point A to B. Let alone move out of the house. Anyway; It took so much strength and courage and a friend egging me on. I feel I also had many guardian angels at work pushing me and pushing me out the marital door.It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Leaving my comfort zone; my things; my area; my friends and my life. It was so scary and it felt like a death.Financiallyl it was a nightmare and still is.. (lol)

If I didnt have a friends support and money that I saved and family and God I dont think I would have ever left. It is just so very difficult to leave everything you have ever worked for.At first I think i cried so much the tears would have filled a million oceans.. I missed my home and the house that I decorated and my things and the marriage.

I have to say this though I have become somewhat of a stronger person. I have setbacks and I am in one now but I guess I look at them as minor setback and changes. Things change and people grow and opportunities arise at some point.

I was told by my therapist back then was that people stay where they are comfortable no matter what..The hardest thing to do is leave a comfort zone and when you do things start happening. Its that first initial step that is the hardest to take.Also many decisions that you make are not set in stone. things change; people change and if you dont like the first step try another. If that doesnt work another and so on and so on until you find your niche. At first I moved to another State and it was fine for a bit but eventually returned to my home state. I then moved in with a friend and didnt like it so I find something else.

If I didnt have a counselor and family and friends I would still be married to my ex.and still being verbally abuse and controlled. My counselor was the one person who advised me to get a divorce. Once I had been out of the home for two years and my ex sued me for the divorce. I do believe it was the right thing

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