Feeling Like A Yo-Yo -
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| Wed, 11-09-2005 - 12:04pm |
3:30 a.m. That is when he woke me up this morning – like he does almost every morning. This morning, however, he kept me up until it was time for me to go to work. He can’t sleep, he can’t breathe because of effects over time of asthma and allergies so he wakes up. He starts to think about all the things weighing on his mind. All the money we owe, the problems with his brothers over his mother’s estate, college tuition down the road, all the things he knows he should be doing but is not (like bringing in some money so we will not be so much in debt), and on and on. Then he starts in on me. His loud talking wakes the kids up. I beg him to keep his voice down. Its one thing to wake me up and start a rant but I don’t want my kids to have to be upset. He no longer cares. He puts all the blame on me.
He starts talking about how scared he is and then rocks back and forth in the bed. He looks at me with wild eyes. Sometimes he lunges at me, sometimes he grabs on to me as if to hold on to something. I don’t know what to say or do. He tells me my silence and my coldness are slowly killing him. He says he will not last much longer. I want to help him but no matter what I say or do it is ‘wrong’. I don’t want to help him because of all of the terrible things he has done to me since we have been married but most especially in the last several years. I don’t feel any love for him. I just want him to go away.
If I leave him, what will happen. Will he kill himself as he threatens to almost daily now. I have never once threatened to leave him – I am too afraid to even say those words. He tells me one day I will come home to find him lying in blood soaked sheets or in a blood filled bathtub. He has cut his wrists a few times, just as a warning to me.
If I leave him and he kills himself how will I answer to my kids. They are older (23,22,19,17,14) and understand that he has problems, but will they understand if I leave him (even for my and their safety) and he kills himself. Is that just a threat – I know most abusers use it to keep us in line. So what if he does not kill himself but still acts crazy and my kids have to deal with it. What if I think he will stalk me – I will have to live in fear for years, the rest of my life even. How will my kids deal with that?
I feel like I am in the river and trying to keep myself afloat with a difficult current and also trying to keep him afloat – a much bigger person than myself – and he is not even making an effort. And when he starts to go under and gets scared he is going to drown, he comes back up and screams at me.
I am dealing with a two headed monster of abuse and depression. When the abuse subsides for awhile then I am dealing with depression. All of it is ugly. When both of them collide, that’s when the real bad stuff starts and I have to run.
Once in a while I see the ‘normal’ person who resembles the person I thought I was marrying. I can’t help but think that this good, nice person is all made up for my or someone else’s benefit. On the other hand, I feel myself being sucked back in even though I know its only temporary. I have been married to him for exactly half of my life.
Echoing the feelings of the other posters on this board, I just want to be happy. I never will be with him. I change from day to day, hour to hour about what I should do. Stay or leave. Both are going to be filled with sorrow and ugliness.
Is this abuse and mental illness or just abuse taking the form of mental illness? I need to know before I know if I can leave him or not. He will not go for mental therapy. He just makes excuses.

Hi Stuckmom,
My heart goes out to you. I read all that you shared and it is a lot for any person, male or female, young or old, to have to endure. So I'm going to step out on a limb and ask you to go somewhere, anywhere where you can have a moment's rest and some peace and quiet. Once you are there, then be very still, close your eyes, look into your heart and just take 5 minutes to think about YOU and what YOU want to do.
I know you love your kids and long to do what's best for them. While I don't believe it's my place to tell you to stay or go, I can tell you that one of the best things you can do for yourself and for your children is get them into as healthy and loving of an environment as you can provide. From all that you've described, you can't possibly do this AND stay with your H. You will have to choose, not just for your children, but more importantly, for yourself and for your sanity.
You must first take care of YOU. If you don't take care of YOU, then who will? Your kids need you to be at your best, physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. I've been where you are, albeit a different set of circumstances, but I can relate to the myriad of feelings you have right now.
I cannot guarantee that the road to freedom from your abusive H will be without difficulty, pain, sadness or fear. But I can assure you that it is a road that many before you have traveled and IT IS WORTH IT -- worth it so that your soul can be independent and free as the good Lord above created you to be.
Please try not to worry about what your kids will think or what they won't think. You can't heal or fix what's wrong with your H. You have enough on your hands just trying to be strong for yourself and your children. Again, I believe you owe it to your children to keep them in as healthy and loving of an environment as you can provide. If you can't do it with your H, then I implore you, for their sake as well as your own, do it WITHOUT him.
Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
All the best,
Heymum
Big hugs, mom.