Filed Restraining Order Today
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| Fri, 12-31-2004 - 2:54am |
First reading and re-reading all the posts on this board really help me stay in reality and do what I have to do. I see myself and my situation in so many of the posts, it makes it impossible to continue to live in denial. I have been the Queen of Denial, not wanting to call it abuse, making all the excuses, accepting responsibility for the actions of my boyfriend. I signed up for counseling taking the advice off this board and the DV counselor who helped me file today.
It took all my strength to follow through with filing for the restraining order, I was and still am feeling guilty, but I know it's the 12 years of listening to his insults, putdowns, and humiliations that have my mind so screwed-up that I feel it's wrong to protect myself and that in doing so I am mistreating him.
I had to come clean with my friends and family about how I was living, in fact I came clean with his family as well, to my surprise no one told me I was stupid or weak, in fact all of them offered assistance and support. I even told my boss which was very hard to do but I knew this would affect my work, especially my attendance.
I can't say I don't feel like a fool. I let him move into my house two years ago. He stopped working, and eventually even stopped helping me out at the house, telling me since I was lazy and needed exercise that I should do the housework and yardwork. He demanded money every month and I gave it to him, no matter what I did it wasn't enough or right. He told me that I couldn't do anything right.
The last time he told me I couldn't do anything right, I was reminded of the Color Purple where he said "you're fat, you're ugly, you're a woman, you're nothing at all" and thinking my life is just as bad as Celie's and she left. I realized I could and should escape this situation.
Thanks for listening (reading) and most of all thanks for sharing, it really helps.

You are doing the right thing!!!! I am new to the actual realization of abuse as well.... it's hard, almost surreal. Remember that you are doing the right thing and you are not stupid or wrong in what you are doing. It helps soooo much to tell others.... it's like a BIG relief, I am so glad you are telling people. Don't feel like a fool honey.... it is like they hypnotize us... we think they will change. If anything they change for the worse.
Huge hugs, keep posting!
Michelle
Hi Toni, welcome.
CL-Blueliner4