Final straw??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Final straw??
12
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 12:03pm
I was just wondering...For those of you who have left your abusers, what was the final straw? I keep telling myself that one day i will wake up and know that today is the day to leave, or something will happen and I will just say i cant take it anymore and leave. So that just got me wondering what where some of the things that happened or was done that made you sit up and say, NOW is the time. NOW is the time for me to leave and get on with MY life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
In reply to: hugmetight
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 12:46pm
Well, I don't know about the others, but there was no last straw for me. There was not one dramatic event or especially bad thing that made me leave. I had to decide that it was time for me to just go. Honestly, if you are waiting for a last straw or for some sudden urge to hit you, you may be waiting for a long time. For some, that doesn't come. You just have to decide that this is not a healthy situation, that it is doing long-term damage and the longer you stay, not only is your abuser abusing you, but it really becomes abusing yourself for allowing it. It is hard, it is very hard, but at some point, you just have to make that decision. (((hugs))))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: hugmetight
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 1:32pm

Like they say with abusive relationships, the abuse becomes more and more frequent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: hugmetight
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 1:40pm

My final straw was when he cussed me out and called me every name in the book because I wouldn't give him a THIRD chance.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to: hugmetight
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:05pm
Hello! And I will begin with the first final straw with the first one. I had gone thru all the fighting, cussing, name-calling, neighbors interfering, police being called, black eyes, bruised ribs, riding in an ambulance, friends and loved ones telling me I should leave, and I would always say in my time. Okay, now to the final straw - after the last fight, being locked out w/nothing but my nightgown on (in the wee hours) and a suitcase I had previously packed from an earlier incident. Sitting on the curb in my nightgown no less and crying my eyes out, I prayed and vowed to myself that I would never live in that household again with him. That was in 1993. It took everything I had, but it was oh so freeing, hence one of the reasons my name is freedom-my next place of residence I even slept on the floor, hardwood at that, but it was the most peaceful rest I had in a long time. I thought I wouldn't get caught up again, but sadly I did. Unfortunately, I have to go now and will continue later with story #2. The VERY FINAL STRAW!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: hugmetight
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 11:02pm
He was about to eat and the baby right then got fussy preventing him from eating right that second. He came into the bedroom where me and the other baby were napping and woke us both up yelling at the top of his voice. The babies about 4-5 months and the one who got woken for the nap was very scared and I was very tired as I was waking up every 1/2 hour to 2 hours round the clock.It's not even the worst thing he ever did, but that was it for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
In reply to: hugmetight
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 12:34am

I had previously posted other 'last straws' as there was a sequence of events before I decided to leave. But as I got thinking about it, I really wondered if there was something more. Sometimes we don't really know why we do the things we do. It just seemed the right thing to do, and it was. But really there were some positive things that started bringing me around from a h&*l that I thought it was my duty to live.

For many years I was always made to feel like the 'weak' or 'helpless' one. You know, constantly told that 'you can't live without me, nobody would want you anyway because you are too shy, too quiet, too nice, too naive, too boring....blah blah blah'. And I guess I was believing it to some extent. I was beginning to think that if I wasn't shy, quiet, nice, naive, that I would be dumped. I got an education, so I wasn't stupid. But I just thought that it was my job to basically be subservient. I thought that is what good girls SHOULD be. Then I got a good job. People started to appreciate what I did. They had faith in my abilities. A year or two after that, I got the job I have now. Suddenly I started to realize that people respected me. They didn't pat me on the head anymore (yes, I got that alot in my teens and 20's. What am I...a puppy?) They gave me firm handshakes with the same respect as the men. And what was also enlightening is that the men treated me like an equal!

I was traveling at times, and at times it was with men colleagues. I was treated with so much respect and even turned to for help and advice. My gosh, they actually considered me intelligient! I got little of that at home. I began changing and realizing if I get respect at work, why not at home? I started seeing things for what they were. And even a few times on my travels, I had some spare time. When I was with someone, we would go to museums or visit some sites for the day. All of the guys were complete gentlemen. Nobody treated me like I should be a personal escourt or that they were just pittying me. And I had such a great time on those trips. I would be amazed at how I could bring up chatting topics and never be yelled at about how stupid a question or topic that was. Even if I got lost when driving, my colleagues never yelled at me about what an i#$ot I was for getting lost. We would have dinner, and not once did anyone ever lean over the table with an ugly glare and tell me 'f&^k you and your job', or 'I should beat the living s&^t out of you'. No! We had pleasant conversations instead! I began seeing that not all men treat you like a possession, toy, or expect you to be shy, quiet, subservient, or think that you are stupid, naive, and undeserving. I was treated like a lady. And I realized I wasn't getting that at home. And despite AHL's accussations, I have never had relations with another man. I enjoyed my time immensely with the men from my work, but not because we had anything going. I enjoyed it because I was treated like a human being, like an equal. Why couldn't AHL think of me that way too? Oh well, now I haven't even a shred of respect for AHL. How does it feel, AHL?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
In reply to: hugmetight
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 3:04am
I am no expert, but for me the last straw that made me decide to leave (I am in the process but not yet have) was that I was living with myself. In the beginning, I was begging, pleading for some attention; love me, validate me, give me some warmth, show me that you care for me. Little by little, I gave up on expecting any type of love from him or sex. It got to a place that I was living for myself, fending for myself, showing myself concern if I felt sick, basically I stopped expecting anything from him. When you get to a place that you cannot believe the way the other person is acting, but you keep it to yourself, because you know that it will fall on deaf ears. When logic completely fails the other person. For me, it is more of a story of a husband who completely neglected his wife.
Don't wait for the 'final straw.' Not if it's really bad. Little by little, get your self-esteem back from being out in the world and doing things that make you feel good. The feeling good part will be the 'final straw.' Because when you feel good, you don't want anyone to rain on your sunshiney parade. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
In reply to: hugmetight
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 6:43am

I read the other string down below and have spent alot of time trying to figure out what my last straw was. I too stayed in a marriage for years because I thought I had to. I took care of the kids and let old Wendell do whatever he wanted to keep peace. I kept myself busy with other things to maintain my sanity. Eventually though, he totally wore me down.

The one moment that sticks in my mind the most is when he ripped the bedroom doorknob off because I had locked it. We were still living together but the decision to divorce was already made. He came in and did his usual I am king and you are worthless routine. The next day may 15 yo son looked at me and goes "Why did you make dad rip that doornob off?" I just looked at him and realized that not only was I married to an abusive man, but he also taught my children that it's okay to treat others like dirt. It was like a big game to him to use my children for his benefit. All I could think of was how he not only worked to destroy me, but also warped the minds of two helpless victims.

I have been out for about a year and a half. Last night my daughter (24) told me that she is having trouble forgiving herself for what she did to me. That moment made me realize that leaving him was the best thing I could have ever done for my children. I should have done it years ago.

When you suddenly realize you feel worthless because someone is telling you that, something will click and you will suddenly realize, I am not worthless, I am worth something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
In reply to: hugmetight
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 3:10pm
I think I had a last "bale," but the last last straw was when I told him we had to separate and he refused. He spent the weekend trying to browbeat me into staying. Until that point I was 99.99 percent sure it was over and wasn't looking for a miracle. Afterward, no question about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: hugmetight
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 3:48pm
How long did it take for your kids to finally come around and realize what a jerk he is?

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