Finally Admitting Abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Finally Admitting Abuse
6
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 11:49pm

I have been married to DH for almost 17 years. He has been abusive the entire time. I think I overlooked it - felt I could change him - just hid it to keep appearances ---- because of his financial situation (trust fund). We tried and tried to have a baby. After 5 years, got pregnant. When I told him, his comment was "I was going to divorce you." Caught him out on a date and kissing another gal when daughter was 8 months old.
Fast forward to now. I went to CO for the summer and, for the first time ever, had only myself to worry about. It was nice not having to take care of anyone else.
I finally admitted to a friend, the abuse. I told my family and a few friends.
I dropped bomb on DH when I got home after 2 1/2 months that I thought I wanted a divorce. We went to visit a counselor. My daughter has seen him hit me.

Guess what I am getting at is... can this be repaired? Do I stay and give it a try? How do I decide if I even want it fixed? I am so tired of being disappointed, scared, etc. I am about to turn 39 and don't want to waste any more time.... What kind of message is this sending to my 12 yo daughter?

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 12:48am

Sweetie, NOTHING is worth you feeling like you do, worth you being treated like you are, or worth your daughter thinking this is what a marriage or Love, or being a woman, is.


Counsleing doesnt help. PLEASE go back & read, & re-read other posts. Then go to the New Beginnings board & read those. You can particularly look at mine if you want .... 2+ yrs ago I was, in probably Dec 2004, I began posting (may be under Rebecca911, then i changed my name to Rlch), thinking about getting my H out. By Feb 2005 he gave me NO choice. He was removed after death threats.


My life is SPECTACULAR compared to living with being verbally beaten down, physically threatened, screamed at

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 1:47pm
Hey sweetie, first off hugs to you! You have suffered enough, and the best thing for you and your daughter would be for you to get the heck out of the abuse. If you are happy and free that is what she will see and what she should see...Abuser's do not change hun, as much as we pray and hope for change, the cold hard truth is they do not. They may be nice for a few day's, week's, but that mean streak is still and always will be there, don't be fooled by it. Don't live another day thinking about how it could have been or how it should be, just get out and restart your life, it's NEVER, EVER, too late for that. Hang in there and keep on posting...Domestic Abuse: New Beginnings is also another very helpful site! keep your head up sweetie, were all here for you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 3:12pm

Honey i have been in your shoes.You remind me of me.My daughter used to see daddy hit mama one too many times.You and your daughter have been through enough.


Once an abuser,always an abuser.To be honest,i don't think what he has done could ever be fixed.Go and get your divorce.Do this for YOU and your daughter.


My oldest daughter was two when my abuse started.To this day she has had her share of young men treat her like crap.Her one boyfriend used to beat her up in school.And she thinks it is ok.But it isn't.This is NEVER your fault.Please believe me.


I have been divorced since January 1,1990.I still suffer flashbacks every now and then,but..i was a survivor,and sweetie so can you.


Good Luck to you and your daughter.


Dianne

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 3:33pm

While I appreciate your support, I do have to say that I am in such a mixed-up state that I feel I need counseling in order to help me get thru these next major decisions.

I don't know if he or we can be helped. As with everyone, there are several factors involved. By telling my family I have put him on notice. He can't intimidate me anymore because I am not afraid of it anymore. He HAS to behave. Call me naive if you want, but it is what I feel is the best for us at this time. My daughter is also starting counseling to help her with her feelings; to help her discover what is right in a relationship; what is wrong, etc.

My family, of course, has mixed feelings about all of this as well. I am not sleeping with him. I can't. Sometimes I just wish for a fantasy man to come sweep me off my feet and make my decision for me! :) I wish for some great sex. I wish for cuddling; bubble baths, sitting in a movie making out like teenagers. I can't picture my husband in those fantasies right now, though. Will i ever? I don't know. It makes me sad and angry b/c that has all been stripped from me by him. Years of covering up, placating, justifying, etc. That is what I need to get over. I need to get MY issues taken care of before I can tackle the next step of being strong enough to save a marriage or not.

Ramble is what I do best. It may not make any sense so just ignore me if it doesn't! :)
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it is 100+ degrees and our A/C isn't working!

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 11:29am

You need to leave this relationship for your sake and your daughters. The only way it can be fixed is if he admits he has a problem with abuse and he can only truly change if he wants too. Nobody can change him but him.

He doesn't sound like a nice man, but I could be wrong. He sounds like he's disrespectful in front of your daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:56am

Hon, if it's been going on for 17 years, and has been going on since the get-go, the odds of him changing *really* aren't good. What is there to "give a try"? It doesn't sound like he has any interest in changing, and truth be told, he doesn't sound like someone you'd WANT to stay with.

You are dead on when you say that this will have an effect on your daughter. Think of the positive effect that standing up and showing that you don't have to take it will have on her! You *can* do this.

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