Finances Turned Around
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| Wed, 03-22-2006 - 11:45am |
I just thought I'd post a success story. I was reading some of the posts and agree with clgonnabefine when she said sometimes finances were better after the seperation.
I was cleaning out some boxes the other day. Found one filled with old mail and bills. (I found my "Verbally Abusive Relationship" book in that box too.) So this box was packed around Dec. 2003. I'm not the type who just tosses the box, lol, I had to check nearly every piece of paper to make sure I don't still need it. But boy, the story this box told. First of all, were all the pink letters of overdue bills, collection notices, final notices, etc. (This was my first year of marriage, and in the first house we rented together.) Next, were my notes about which bills needed to be paid. Again, note after note about past due amounts. And the bills were split up 60-40 because stbx only wanted to pay for "his" portion of all the bills. (How's that for messed up finances). This was his financial abuse. He was trying to make the point that he was paying for my "crap". I was trying to show him on paper how I needed his paycheck to pay bills. Yah, I had to overexplain where every penny went. Financially, stbx got all the money and spent it on himself (drugs, cigarettes, liquor, eating out, etc.), while the children and I went without (sometimes without food...boohoo. sorry, I won't go there.) Even the car payment, I had to pay from my check because it was in my name, even after I tried explaining that he drove it most of the time... useless conversation. Same goes for the cell phone, credit cards, etc. And when I tried "fighting back" by saying "okay if you don't want to help pay for it, then you can't use it". Well, you can guess how that went...threats, yelling, bullying, ie abuse.
But at the time, I was really in a difficult situation. I felt I needed his paycheck. And I thought it was my job to be nice or compliant so that he would hand over the money. (side story...once in a supermarket, after we had a full cart of food,essentials, etc., he picked a fight with me, "if you don't change your attitude, I'm going out tonight, I'm just trying to do the right thing here (refering to buying food)." He got mad, and just left the cart and walked out of the store. After we got home, he took off and spent all the money.... to teach me a lesson, no doubt.) What was wrong with him??? Well, after reading "Verbally Abusive..." I got a clue what was wrong. And he would threaten never to pay child support or give me any money if I left...blah blah.
Also in this box I found notes I made as I was learning about abuse. On one of them was a check list that I showed to stbx. Oh how I hoped if he just knew what he was doing, he'd treat me better. *sigh* Pointless, because he knew what he was doing all along. He didn't change. But I was getting more information. I was realizing the truth about the life I was living and about the new life I wanted to live. About my basis rights as a human being and my BOUNDARIES.
Sorry this got long... that box told me a story. Fast forward to today, 2006. My bills are paid in full and on time every month. I ended up filing bankruptcy in 2004, but made a decision to turn things around. And Praise God, things have drastically turned around for the better. Better than I could have predicted or imagined. I've been seperated from my abuser since Nov 2004 (for those who don't know the story). Whereas before I was at his whim, today I create a budget and I stick to it. I'm not nervous about if/when money will come in... I don't have to worry about stbx stealing/hiding/spending it. And by the grace of God, my budget balances with a surplus nearly every month... and it includes entertainment, fun stuff for the kids, clothes, mcdonalds. It's a well balanced budget, if I do say so myself. And it's not about control... but about responsibility. And this only happened AFTER I seperated from my abuser. So, yes, there is hope. Even if financially things don't look good today. One breath of God, and things can supernaturally turn around. And mind you, I didn't win the lottery. LOL. I just got rid of the source of bleeding, the fungus, the poison. In Jesus name.
Take care ALL. Love,
Loonybunny

Loonybunny,
First of all, congratulations on your accomplishment. I can't wait for the day that I can type a post like yours. My H isn't quite as bad as yours was, but all of my bills are behind right now, except for the mortgage, because he just takes $$$ from the ATM as if there is an unlimited supply. I don't even discuss our finances anymore (I pay the bills of course) because it makes no difference. Once in awhile I'll ask him to not spend much since I have several bills to pay, etc. but it doesn't matter. The bottom line is he does what he wants and leaves me worrying about it all.
Secondly, it also made me feel good to read today because I'm just in the beginning stages of contemplating divorce and am wondering how in the world I will be able to afford it. Your positive words give me hope that one day I will be in the position I used to be - bills paid on time with $$$ left over and no worries that someone is out there draining the account.
You must feel so proud. Congratulations for coming this far and for sharing your positive words with those of us who really need to hear them right now.
Lisa
You're Welcome, Lisa. Good luck to you. This is a great place to find support, hope, and down-to-earth advice on how to deal.
And yes, I'm beginning to finally see that I married one of the worst. I can remember the first time someone told me that....I couldn't,didn't want to believe it. But the way I see it now, is that yes, I married one of the worst abusers/drug addict/liars, and the good news is, I made it out!! And I'm beginning to feel a calling to spread words of hope. "If I can do it, you can do it." You can do it, Lisa. One day at a time, one moment at a time, one decision at a time.
Love,
Loonybunny