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| Tue, 12-20-2005 - 10:15pm |
Hi all,
It's been a while since I've checked in, but I wanted to give you a little update.
I have gotten all of my belongings back! He was a real pain in the neck, but behaved himself when my parents went to load up everything.
*I'm sure this is nothing new to most of you, but...* I'm learning a lot about abusers right now and reading a few good books. I know the Patricia Evans book, Verbally Abusive Relationships, is one that is recommended, so I decided to check it out. I read it in a total of one day! I was just enthralled with it because it felt like I was reading a psychologist's summary of my abuser's psyche. Anyone looking for a great, clear explanation of abusers should check this book out...
I'm also reading a book called It's My Life Now, Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence. It's also very good, but I haven't gotten through much of it yet.
One of our very dear family friends has a son who has been involved in two abusive relationships. He's in his early 30s. The first woman attacked him with a knife (he went to a dv shelter to get help with an o.p., which was extremely difficult for him to do), but they had a child together, so they are still in contact (I don't know how she retained some visitation rights). The current woman is abusive (mostly verbally, I think) and he recognized this and left. She talked "the talk" though, and he returned. Immediately, she got pregnant by not taking her birth control. The child was just born. The man came from a home where his father left when he was 13 and he is bound and determined not to do that to his children. So, I think he feels like he has to stay with this second woman now. He's very intelligent and a very kind man and given my situation, I want to be able to help him in some way. I mentioned to my parents that maybe I could loan the Patricia Evans book to him when he comes up for Christmas (I don't think the woman is coming) and if he didn't feel comfortable reading it around her, he could leave it with his mom or grandmother and finish it later. Anyway, those that are familiar with the book--do you think it is a good one to recommend since it's primarily focused on men being the abusers? Are there other things I could recommend to him?? I understand it has to be his decision, but I think if he knew more about abusive personalities, he may be more inclined to leave her...and do both of his children a favor in the process.
Any suggestions?
Thanks,
flipper

Even though he's a guy, there's no reason he can't relate. Because most reported cases of abuse are man on woman, it tends to get characterized as such. But that's not true. We used to have a couple male posters (and I'm sure one still lurks at times...SULLY! :D), so it's not that big a stretch. Just tell him to mentally substitute she/her for he/him and he'll be fine. I had to give my cousin some of the checklists a couple years ago and told her to make sure she mentally changed everything to suit the fact it was her mom. And delete what wasn't pertinent (like sexual abuse, etc.). The basics stay the same, so feel free to recommend the book, any other resources you know of, and this board.
JMO, I don't see why he can't fight for custody of the kid. Either of them. Like we say to women, the kids don't need to be raised in that environment. Just because he's a he doesn't mean that the same rights can't be had. It doesn't matter which parent is the abuser. I know. My XH learned to abuse from his mom.
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