First counseling appointment

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
First counseling appointment
5
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 9:16pm
I started therapy today. I feel as if I'm moving in the right direction here, but as much as I'm afraid to stay, I'm also afraid to leave. I feel stupid that I've stayed so long...I've been married for seven years and we have a child. I can't believe this man has been hurting me for so long!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 10:05pm

It's a rough place to be, Racehorse, but feeling stupid is an impression and it will pass. Try to remember who you're dealing with - abusers are as brilliant in manipulation as we are in survival. That's huge.

We have all had compelling reasons to stay. Not stupid reasons. I don't believe for a minute that it's any weakness of yours that has kept you there. Glad to hear you're in therapy. Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 10:11pm

First thing is first hun, be kind and gentle to yourself.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:36am

I know how you feel. I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years and didn't see how bad it was until the last year I was with him. He kept me thinking it was MY fault. He made me feel like I was to blame. Which is VERY common for abusers to make you feel. I also kept thinking I love him, I can change him. But the truth is.. no one can change an abuser. Except for the abuser himself. Or herself, in some cases.

Now.. I've been free of his abuse for 7 years!! :)

Just remember... You are doing this for yourself and for your child, which makes you braver then you thought you were capable of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:40pm

To Racehorse:

You're not stupid. None of us are. I've known more than a few people who have also been in abusive relationships and every one of them has been an intelligent, warm, loving person.
My theory is that, abusers are abusers because they are weak and inadequate. They deliberately seek out people who are strong because they are not! Then the only way to guarantee we stick around is to slowly dismantle our self-confidence and personality so they have control.
If only they would put that same amount of effort into getting a grip of themselves....

I've been out of my ex-marriage for 6 years now. I felt I lost myself. In fact I know I did. I remember feeling humiliated by the whole experience. But you know what? I've not only recovered myself, but I'm stronger than ever. Whereas he's still the same pathetic inadequate he always was!

Keep the faith, you'll get through this.

Rowena

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 9:11pm

I am very new here. I have been married for 34 years. Yes. I feel stupid. I set out in 1978 to get an Associates Degree so I could leave him. I wound up with a Masters Degree and I am still here. Stupid. I am afraid I win the Blue Ribbon. My 34 Anniversary gift was his affair with a woman 20 years younger. Lasted for a year before I found out.

I go for my first counseling meeting on Thurs.