Frazzled...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Frazzled...
6
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 9:56am
Hi everyone,

I know I don't post much anymore... I don't seem to have as much time as I used to... and in addition... I'm feeling quite overwhelmed.

I don't know what to do with myself. The last couple of weeks have been tougher at home in that the arguing has picked up somewhat... and last weekend, H decided that it was appropriate to argue right in front of our son... and drag me through the mud by bringing up my affair 8 years ago, and that there have probably been more... and that I've done nothing but lie to him. When I brought up the fact the DS was sitting right there (watching tv) H's response was that "oh, he can't hear me"... and mine was... "wanna bet". The next morning H wanted to be all huggy and I told him I was still pissed off about his stunt of dragging me through the mud in front of DS. H's response was "I'm sorry, I made a mistake... so... am I going to get punished for this mistake for the rest of my life too?"

I care but I don't care anymore. I want out but I'm terrified of what he and his family might do. I know it's "might"... but I don't trust them one bit. H's sister is in the middle of a divorce right now... she and her kids are living at home with her parents. Would you believe H's mom took a leave a absence to help out?... My friends brought up the point that if H's mom is taking off from work to take care of her daughter (and mother and husband)... that she's setting the example by which H expects of me (even though he would deny it vehemently).

I apologize if I sound so disjointed... I am just having a really hard time coping right now... I feel like my heart is in my throat half the time... I feel like every nerve is exposed... I am having a hard time getting anything accomplished at work or at home. I'm on meds (Wellbutrin) and I believe they are helping to keep my from falling into the pit... I can't imagine how I'd be feeling right now if I wasn't taking them! I'm angry about almost everything... have little patience... help!

I'm beginning to bring stuff to work to make copies... tax returns, bank statements, etc... is there a list of things I should have copies of that I can check off as I get them together?

Mizlizzy... I have a rather long email I've written, but I only have a really old email address for you (which bounced back)... and I haven't been able to sneak into chat on Sundays to find out how to contact you.

Okay... deep breath...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: phoenix_motus
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:40am

My goodness honey, take a long slow deep breath.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: phoenix_motus
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:56am

Hey Phoenix -


You might want to jump to the board homepage and look up the safety checklist.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: phoenix_motus
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:59am
Hi Sweetie! Bless your heart! I'm so sorry he is acting this way, but really not surprised. ALL of this is for him to reinforce his power and control over you, to try to "keep you paralyzed" so you don't take any steps "away from him". He can try to hold whatever he wants to "over your head", but it's all a smokescreen, just as his other tactics are-because the more he keeps you off balance, and especially in fear of what he "may do", "might use against you", etc, the more power and control he feels, which equates into security for him.

I've been watching for you to post so I could give you a valid email address (when I can read here) and was glad to see you posting, though sorry for the situation you're dealing with right now.

Please, breathe deeply, keep reading, and keep reaching for help and support. We're all here for you!

Love and HUGS!

(Edited to remove the email address ;)


Edited 4/2/2004 6:26 am ET ET by mizlizzy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
In reply to: phoenix_motus
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:58pm
Hi Wishful,

Thank you for your response... I guess I do feel a bit like the Tasmanian Devil. I hadn't thought of insurance paperwork or the SS cards.

I think it's not so much as what his family will think of me (I already know they don't particularly care for me... but that's mutual anyway)... it's more that I'm afraid they will fund a huge suit against me... and help H fight for custody and everything and anything else to run me into the ground. His parents have the money to help H out with steep legal fees (unless they're spending it all helping out their daughter in her divorce).

I know... one step at a time. It just seems like that's getting harder to do. It's funny... it seems I was paralyzed to do anything for so long... and now even though I'm terrified, I can't seem to make preparations fast enough.

Phoenix

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
In reply to: phoenix_motus
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:17pm
Hi Blue,

I'll take a look at the homepage for a list of things to do. I don't know why I didn't think of that myself... duh.

I think I've put off calling the hotline, or Magellan, or anyone really, because I still have this doubt in the back of my mind that it's not abuse... and that I'll be laughted at... and that if I were only a better person... or tried harder... things would be different. It's wild how the mind works... on one level I KNOW, and on another I doubt.

I'm going to meet with my priest next week... I don't know what I'm going to say to him. I've told him about things a while back, but I think he still hopes that things can be worked out at home... at the same time, he has expressed that sometimes divorce is sometimes necessary. We'll see what he says... maybe he only wants to listen and be a support. I don't know. I've never been one to be able to ask for help... I've always been very self-sufficient, even if I've made a mess of things in the process.

That's a good idea about the extra copies. I know a couple of people who could safe-guard them for me.

Phoenix

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
In reply to: phoenix_motus
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:25pm
Thank you, Mizlizzy!

I emailed earlier today.

You know, in many ways I feel like I'm getting stronger, in that I'm getting better at speaking up... however, at the same time, I am feeling more and more drained. I find that odd as I feel like I should be energized by it.

Grrrr... I'll be out soon (but not soon enough).

Phoenix.