gay relationship/ ?controlling or love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
gay relationship/ ?controlling or love?
11
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:43am

I've been involved with a woman for 6 years-almost immediately she wanted to live together. My life was a mess and I didn't feel the timing was right plus I wondered why someone would want to live with me when I was unemployed and being stalked by a crazy ex. This person stood by me, bailed me out financially, but I've always had a slightly "off" feeling. Almost "too nice" too solicitous. I thought I was jaded. And I felt guilty that she was so good to me but I couldn't commit. Supposedly she had escaped an abusive relationship so I thought she had issues but was safe.

Now 6 years later....my esteem down, subtle signs of anger that scare me-more a tone, a look, one time mocking my way of saying something...it seems alien to whom I thought she was. Also jealous of people in my life/nasty comments about others who care about me, suspicious of who and why I talk to others-although once I brought this up, she stopped {i asked her if she was having affair and she said "you have no evidence"]...I said "you're so suspicious, maybe you're the one doing something..." so she stopped asking. I have almost noone who comes to my house anymore. I recently had surgery so my sister and a friend helped a little-beside the negative comments from her was the uncomfortable feeling my friend and sister picked up....My sister felt she was "furious". But she NEVER yells. Also when I was very vulnerable she was cool and distant and finding reasons to leave my house when I was too ill and scared of being alone. The tone changed from exquisitely "romantic" to cool.

Also in arguments-I'm always wrong or accused of yelling when I raise my voice to defend myself. Things get so twisted I can't think. But then if I take a time out, I get the most incredible letters of apology for each and every sarcastic or unkind thing she said. So I kept going back....but it never changes. As soon as there's a fight it's the same crap-but then I do think it's my fault for raising my voice-but sometimes I feel so frustrated because what's being said to me makes no sense, or I feel very subtly taunted/insulted..Then she cries and I apologize, all the while feeling "what the hell just happened?"

One time she said "Stop" in this horrible tone when I was bugging her about something. I cried and said "you don't even talk to your dog in that manner"...she said she had. It felt demeaning but it was just one word nothing else-never name calling. It feels like she's someone else. She also implies I'm "crazy" and I do have mental health issues from a childhood of molestation -again it's subtle..."do you know who you're talking to?" as though I'm dissociative and don't know who she is...When I brought this up and said it was detrimental, she simply said she wanted to clarify with me.....but it "felt" like she wanted me to doubt myself.

Also has pulled my kids in and said my son was afraid of my anger-which freaked me out. I gently and subtly asked him and he said no.

She accuses me of being critical, angry, cold and hostile. I know I've gotten so frustrated I did get angry and withdrew sexually....I'm ashamed to say I did this whole big apology thing to her cause I couldn't stand the tension and the coldness. Now it's more "loving"...

But something feels off still....my friend thought she was controlling-another one said she's jealous of our friendship....
I'm getting more and more alone and focusing more and more on her. Inside I feel afraid.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:07pm

Hi Beth,

Here is a link for you to check out regarding healthy vs unhealthy counselling. It explains it in here very well - better than I can.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=11516.1&x=y

Lauren

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