getting there, but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
getting there, but...
1
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 9:43pm
So I've been separated (though nothing's signed yet, maybe tomorrow) since the 15th. I'm back in my house, and after crunching some numbers, I may even be able to keep it. I told people at work (no details, my main lines are inane--'it's for the best','we both just want to make this as easy for our son as possible', etc).--and everyone's being great, really supportive. And these things are true, but innocuous and don't come close to painting an accurate picture, of course. I'm doing this consciously, essentially giving him a free ride, because the place we live is so small and I don't want the stigma attaching to my son. But I'm telling you, it makes me so angry that he's going to get out of this looking fine, like a great guy, as usual. And it's true, if you're not me, he really is a great guy--intelligent, good-looking, thoughtful, calm (appearing--again, if you're not me), interesting, good politics, good values, charismatic. But D*MN it makes me mad that everyone is going to still see only that side of him, even as I engineer it so it stays that way for the sake of ds. GRRRRRRR. I want others to look at him with different eyes for what he's done, you know? It really bothers me that some people we know are going to think it's my fault, for being too...selfish, spoiled, unstable-- fill in the blank, whatever he suggests, basically. And because in public, I'm mostly the same as I am in private--which means I have gotten angry or been upset or depressed in front of others at times, so I look like the bad one. Or maybe not, I may just be projecting.

He's in full public-persona mode now all the time--polite to me, mostly (though he did tell me that I'll never have a normal relationship--don't know if that was a prediction or a promise), oh so concerned about ds, relatively easygoing about the separation and division of stuff (though again, he's not giving me back the money he took). I wonder though, what will happen once the separation agreement is signed and filed. Legal tip: my lawyer says it's better to file it in court as a consent order b/c it's more enforceable. If you get only a separation agreement, if he violates it, it's a breach of contract, and expensive to enforce, but if you file in court as a consent order and he violates it, it's contempt of court, which is different penalties. I hadn't known that, and now no one else will have to pay to learn it. :-)

I also wonder if he's going to mess with me in some way after we sign it. He's wary and careful now, probably since I also have a complaint filed, in case he didn't agree to the separation agreement (b/c the first two times, he didnt and threatened to take my son away and we WERE going to separate, one way or another).

All that said (and I know how contradictory this all sounds), I feel both much better than I have in a long time, b/c the end is in sight, and painfully nostalgic for the good times, because that's how he's acting now. If I had had the marriage it looked like I had, I'd still be in it, and happy. Don't know if that makes sense, but it's true. BLAH, it's going to take a while to sort this out, isn't it? And sorting through our old photos (to divide up) doesn't help at all. For all that, it feels good to be here in my house, with my son. I'm making plans, and making friends, so hopefully it just keeps going up from here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 12:03am

Oh, just wait, m'dear.

CL-Blueliner4