getting weird

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
getting weird
6
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:29pm
hi gidgit and sweetdreams and others who replied to my last message--thank you. This is an update--things are getting strange.



Sweet-I did buy 'Why Does He Do That?' and have dog-eared many pages--it's amazing how many times actual things he's said to me are written down in the book. Thanks for reinforcing what I know but often don't want to face.

Gidgit--you're right about the dejavu--my H also had a bankruptcy the year before we met, but I learned about it from a voicemail our mortgage banker left when we were trying to buy our first house. REALLY would've liked that information from him before we married. I can afford the house, I think, but affording everything would be a stretch.

Things have taken a turn for the worse--I gave him until the end of last week to find a counselor and a new place to live, and on Thursday, he videotaped our conversation (he had mentioned doing this previously, on the premise that if 'someone was watching' we wouldn't get out of control). Creepy. I'm worried about it now b/c he's taken a bunch of video editing classes and I don't know what he'll do with it. When I went to get it to make a copy the next day, he had it in his car. I have a copy on the computer now but don't know if he doctored it first. There must be a way to tell.

Anyway, the conversation was surreal--first he says he wants to make the marriage work, then proceeds to tell me why he wasn't going to do the two things I told him were necessary to do so: move out (it might be construed as abandonment) and why he didn't want to see a counselor (then I could throw it in his face that he knows he has an abuse problem, look, he's in counseling).

Then came the main point--if I didn't want to make the marriage work, I should leave him and our son in the house and find another place to live and he was going to pursue sole custody. Now even when I've been the most upset, I've always said we could make a creative joint custody agreement so that my son could have both of us present in large roles in his lives. I'm being manipulated, hard. Everytime he said he wanted us to remain married and work it out, the next sentence was about taking my son. It's a threat, I think.

I'm writing all this down on counselor's advice, though I don't think she meant on the message board. I just want someone to bear witness, you know? I remembered that once when he was still divorcing his ex-wife, he came to visit me (I lived in another state) with his hand all swollen and bloody. He said he had punched a wall, and fool that I am, it didn't even occur to me to be worried. I thought at the time it was an immature reaction, but nothing more.

I talked to my counselor, also talked to the legal advocate at the shelter, who said many things, among them that I should be worried about the hunting rifle in the house. I've done some safety planning. I shouldn't go into detail on here in case he finds it.

And now he says he's gotten a counselor, who can only see him in two weeks. He thinks he's shut me up so he's happy. Wish me luck--this may get ugly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: ccinnc
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:44pm

CC, if at any time you are feeling threatened by him or his behavior and you can get out of the house, do so.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
In reply to: ccinnc
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:55pm
Hi Blue,

Thanks. Ok, I've hidden the shells--I think I found them all. It seems so unreal to have to be thinking about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: ccinnc
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 4:02am
OMG, I would certainly not sit hoping I got ALL the shells.........I'd RUN, not a.s.a.p, but NOW. Don't even wait to pass go and collect $200, this is Life not Monopoly. Abusive males and guns do not mix. Kudo's and Prayers

Gidg

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
In reply to: ccinnc
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 7:00am
ccinnc,

You should leave the house for your own safety. DO NOT let him video tape you anymore. It sounds like he's quite manipulative and is trying to back you into a corner. Get out and get a signed separation agreement, but no more videos. If he's taking a class, he could use that to incriminate you, however a professional would know if the tape is doctored, so keep that in mind.

catlover66

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
In reply to: ccinnc
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 11:29am
Hey, CC . . . just wanted to put in my 2 cents worth.

My XH had a gun, as well. One night, during an argument, he wound up holding the gun to his head and threatening to pull the trigger. He actually *started* to pull the trigger. (That gun did not have a "safety," you just had to pull the trigger *really* hard.) Also, he threatened to kill me and then himself with that gun. So, I tried to hide it from him after that incident, but he eventually found it.

My point is this: maybe you can hide the gun, the ammo, and/or the keys to the gun cabinet from him for *a while*, but you cannot hide those things *forever*. He lives there, too, so he knows where things are and where they aren't.

Trust me, he will find it. You need to leave. Right now.

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
In reply to: ccinnc
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 11:05pm
I just wanted to chime in because so much of what you wrote rose the hairs on my neck. Even the 'getting weird' subject of your post. My husband reacted so very much like yours. His 'reasoning' with me was followed by heartfelt pleading and crying, begging on his knees. He made the same threats about custody and said that I should leave and the kids would stay with him. I had the same fear about the guns in the house and he knew I was afraid. BUT... then it got REALLY weird. The bargainng, begging, etc went on for a few days but one evening he just had a weird, strange response and pretended to me with nobody else around that HE was afraid of ME?!?! All I knew was that something changed and something was wrong. TRUST THAT PART OF YOU!! When you feel something isn't right GET OUT! I did. I had been to the shelter and visited with an advocate. I had been coming to this board for a couple of weeks and I was prepared (sort of). I had been carrying $100 and a cell phone and my keys at all times. When my husband went to take the garbage out to the curb right after his weird statement of "I'm afraid of you, you can't just threaten people" I rushed the kids out to the car, opened the garage door and squealed down the drive way. He jumped behind the car and pounded on the windows and screamed for the kids to get out. He tried to hold the car back (he's 6'5" and very big) and I just hit the gas. I went about 1 block when I noticed 3 cop cars behind me. Good, I thought.. they've come to help him (he had been making vague suicide threats and I thought for a moment maybe he'd call for help for himself). NOPE!!! They chased ME with the KIDS! My husband was still chasing the car on foot, so I didn't stop for a few blocks. The kids (and I) were TOTALLY freaked out! The cops stormed my car like in the movies and were screaming for me about my weapons? They thought I had a gun. It turns out that my husband had called the police and said that I had threatened to shoot him. To make a long story a little shorter, we never went home that night or ever (it was almost a year ago). The little lesson I hope you get from my telling you this is to TRUST YOUR GUT! If ANYTHING feels wrong, it probably is. What would have happened if I hadn't left right that second? 20 more seconds and the cops would have been storming my house. I had been thinking that there would be a big, massive, scary fight and he would attack me, but what he DID do was just as scary and impossible to predict. You can never guess what they're thinking. Keep yourself (and your son, of course) safe.