God help me (long)
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| Sat, 05-22-2004 - 8:16pm |
He wouldn't let me touch the baby...my baby, who i gave birth to, he wouldn't let me hold her. And I wasn't going to pry her from his arms because that would've hurt her. She had just gotten her shots yesterday and she was screaming and no offense to him but she is calmer with me when she is upset (she has different connections with each of us), and he told me to make a bottle, yelled at me and would NOT let me hold my baby girl. I went and made the bottle, I was getting SO angry. i came back and told him.....give me my daughter.... and he said "No, I'll feed her"!!!!!!!!! he wouldn't let me hold my baby!!!!! I told him again GIVE ME MY DAUGHTER, and he said not until you ask for her PROPERLY...so I said give me OUR daughter and he handed her off to me...as he was doing so I tried to tell him I said MY daughter because I gave birth to her and she is mine too, but before I could get that out he smacked me across the face.
The rest of the night he threw the stroller, shoved me a million times, got two inches from my face and said he DARED me to say another word, told me he would hit me again if I didnt shut up, told me it was MY fault that he hits me because I piss him off so bad and if I didnt make him so mad he wouldnt, told me I was worthless, that I was nothing without him, and then told me he didn't care if i left, that he didnt love me, told me to stop crying or hed give me something to cry about.....the whole night was emotionally CRUSHING to the point where I feel I'm going to suffocate, to the point where I feel like i am losing my soul and any spirit or happiness i have to this man who doesn't respect me, who told me he doesn't think he needs help and that it's OUR problem, not HIS problem. after the fight he apologized over and over, but something is different this time...this time he pushed too far, this time he cut too deep, and I will never ever feel the same love for him I once did...and I cry for that. I cry and cry and cry because he used to love me and make me feel safe, I cry because I used to trust him, I cry because of our little baby girl and all the plans we had made. I cry because he has become my life and I TRIED SO HARD TO MAKE IT WORK!!!!! i screamed at him last night, I asked him how could he do this to me, i asked him if he knew I HAD LOVED HIM. his whole family is over today and he was trying to put duct tape in my hair earlier (he was "joking"...picking at me) I asked him to stop over and over and over and tried to shove him away from me (it was basically the first thing I've said to him since last night). Finally I sacked him in the balls by accident trying to get him away from me, and how he is pissed off and told me he didn't want me around him. He wouldn't let me sit. so I'm in the computer room while everybody is in the living room and i feel so dead. I feel like I am dying. I called the shelter today and they dont have any vacancies, they said they are over-full and told me to call a shelter 40 miles away from me. I have on way of getting there. i have no drivers liscence, I have no car. My mom is in DE, my grandma had a stroke last year and doesnt know whats going on and I wont tell her because she doesnt need the stress. I feel like I'm drowing...I want to cry!! please please pray for me, give me your support, give me encouragements because I feel like I'm breaking and dont know how much longer I can deal with it.

Be safe....(((((hugs)))))) M
When you do find a shelter, contact your local police or state police if the locals won't help, ask to talk to a Domestic Abuse officer, explain your situation and that you have no means to get away from your abuser. The police will come to you, pick you and your daughter up and get you both to a shelter.
Contact your Mom, tell her what is happening and see if she can come and get you and your baby. I would talk to the police about this and make sure if you have to cross a stateline that you do it legally and safely so that your abuser cannot have you arrested.
There is no way you can hold this relationship together, you need to get free and do it quickly and quietly. I cannot say this enough, he will not have any problem hurting you or your baby from what you've said here. You need to get away, now!
Please find a shelter or safe house for you and your child, do not let him even think that you've talked to anyone as he is not going to worry about either of your's safety.
Don't worry about visitation or anything like that right now, concentrate totally on getting someone to get you out of there, get to a shelter and then work on the rest when you and your baby are safe.
The shelters have legal, theraputic and usually financial aid and can help you with it all when you get there. Don't worry about packing clothes as they will have everything you need. If it's within easy grasp, get your social security card and both your's and your baby's birth certificates. If it's going to slow your departure, once you're safe you can get police escort back to retrieve your belongings. Speed and security for you two are the most important.
Hugs