guilty,wavering, ect....
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guilty,wavering, ect....
| Mon, 07-04-2005 - 7:00pm |
Hi,
Well, I did it. I filed for legal separation 3 days ago. He signed the petition papers on Friday the 1st. He's been to two counseling sessions and still agrees to move out and allow me custodial placmement. He hasn't had a drink for 6 days (been through this before though). He's been a real charmer. I read my journal when I feel guilty and feel like wavering. My biggest support system (my parents) are in Europe for 3 weeks. My oldest daughter (9 yrs) actually seems relieved that her Dad is moving out. Our friends know what's happening and I've now been told by them that "everyone knows/knew", "the general consenses is that "B" needs help." I've got the support, I've given it to God, have my counseling that I've been doing for 7 months, and I feel pretty darned good. Here's the thing....He's 'working on his issues'....I'll still work with my therapist. My ultimatum was 'get help or I'll divorce you' (It was very severe verbal/emotional abuse). We'll 'see how things progress, before getting a divorce.' I don't sugar coat things with him, let him know it could very well result in divorce. BUT....I feel absolutely nothing for this man. I'm actually repulsed by him. I'm just going through the motions here. I know deep down in my heart I want the divorce. I need to placate this guy through the legal process until I get what I want (final custodial placement and the house- I have an awesome attorney). I can't let him fall apart as I want him financially for child support and feel if I don't let him hold onto some hope he's going to fall apart and fight me for placement. It's just too late for us/me. I feel like such a bitch for doing this. I feel like I'm playing this 'game' to get what's best for me and my kids and I'm feeling terribly guilty. He's a volatile and angry man...I've removed the firearms and hidden them (he got drunk and held a gun to my head in 1996-which I've just had enough guts to start admitting). I'm a professional woman with a great job, great support, great kids, great family....why do I feel so guilty? Even if this man does change and becomes a 'good boy' (as he puts it), I just don't want him anymore....are these feelings common? Should I continue to placate until after the final separation goes through? He IS moving out ASAP so that's good. Thanks everyone.
A
Well, I did it. I filed for legal separation 3 days ago. He signed the petition papers on Friday the 1st. He's been to two counseling sessions and still agrees to move out and allow me custodial placmement. He hasn't had a drink for 6 days (been through this before though). He's been a real charmer. I read my journal when I feel guilty and feel like wavering. My biggest support system (my parents) are in Europe for 3 weeks. My oldest daughter (9 yrs) actually seems relieved that her Dad is moving out. Our friends know what's happening and I've now been told by them that "everyone knows/knew", "the general consenses is that "B" needs help." I've got the support, I've given it to God, have my counseling that I've been doing for 7 months, and I feel pretty darned good. Here's the thing....He's 'working on his issues'....I'll still work with my therapist. My ultimatum was 'get help or I'll divorce you' (It was very severe verbal/emotional abuse). We'll 'see how things progress, before getting a divorce.' I don't sugar coat things with him, let him know it could very well result in divorce. BUT....I feel absolutely nothing for this man. I'm actually repulsed by him. I'm just going through the motions here. I know deep down in my heart I want the divorce. I need to placate this guy through the legal process until I get what I want (final custodial placement and the house- I have an awesome attorney). I can't let him fall apart as I want him financially for child support and feel if I don't let him hold onto some hope he's going to fall apart and fight me for placement. It's just too late for us/me. I feel like such a bitch for doing this. I feel like I'm playing this 'game' to get what's best for me and my kids and I'm feeling terribly guilty. He's a volatile and angry man...I've removed the firearms and hidden them (he got drunk and held a gun to my head in 1996-which I've just had enough guts to start admitting). I'm a professional woman with a great job, great support, great kids, great family....why do I feel so guilty? Even if this man does change and becomes a 'good boy' (as he puts it), I just don't want him anymore....are these feelings common? Should I continue to placate until after the final separation goes through? He IS moving out ASAP so that's good. Thanks everyone.
A

PFFFFT!
Play the game and get what you need out of the divorce and be done with it.
This is hardly the time to be a "big" person.
Don't stop playing the game until the judge signs off on the divorce. Separation means nothing.
First of all, congrats on the legal separation, that is a HUGE step my friend, so many congrats on that!
A
This sounds SO familiar! I also have a good career, good (incredible) family & freind support, & was emotionally & verbally, disgustingly, abused, by my STBX, with some minor physical as well - & of course, the threats to kill me, tear me a new a**hole, rip me to peices & burn the hous down with me in it were also part of it. So ... i also had to sort of "play the game" for a while. I had him removed with a RO.
I understand exactly what you are saying!! I feel the same way!! I just want out peacefully, with minimal damage. I know that once I'm out though, I don't care what happens to him. I'm so sick of him!! I pretend that I love him, I say that I love him, but inside, I just seethe!!
Stay strong. You are not awful at all. If he had taken responsibility for his behaviour a long time ago, it might have been different, but he CHOSE to remain an abusive jerk.
A