guilty,wavering, ect....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
guilty,wavering, ect....
7
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 7:00pm
Hi,
Well, I did it. I filed for legal separation 3 days ago. He signed the petition papers on Friday the 1st. He's been to two counseling sessions and still agrees to move out and allow me custodial placmement. He hasn't had a drink for 6 days (been through this before though). He's been a real charmer. I read my journal when I feel guilty and feel like wavering. My biggest support system (my parents) are in Europe for 3 weeks. My oldest daughter (9 yrs) actually seems relieved that her Dad is moving out. Our friends know what's happening and I've now been told by them that "everyone knows/knew", "the general consenses is that "B" needs help." I've got the support, I've given it to God, have my counseling that I've been doing for 7 months, and I feel pretty darned good. Here's the thing....He's 'working on his issues'....I'll still work with my therapist. My ultimatum was 'get help or I'll divorce you' (It was very severe verbal/emotional abuse). We'll 'see how things progress, before getting a divorce.' I don't sugar coat things with him, let him know it could very well result in divorce. BUT....I feel absolutely nothing for this man. I'm actually repulsed by him. I'm just going through the motions here. I know deep down in my heart I want the divorce. I need to placate this guy through the legal process until I get what I want (final custodial placement and the house- I have an awesome attorney). I can't let him fall apart as I want him financially for child support and feel if I don't let him hold onto some hope he's going to fall apart and fight me for placement. It's just too late for us/me. I feel like such a bitch for doing this. I feel like I'm playing this 'game' to get what's best for me and my kids and I'm feeling terribly guilty. He's a volatile and angry man...I've removed the firearms and hidden them (he got drunk and held a gun to my head in 1996-which I've just had enough guts to start admitting). I'm a professional woman with a great job, great support, great kids, great family....why do I feel so guilty? Even if this man does change and becomes a 'good boy' (as he puts it), I just don't want him anymore....are these feelings common? Should I continue to placate until after the final separation goes through? He IS moving out ASAP so that's good. Thanks everyone.
A
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 7:28pm

PFFFFT!

Play the game and get what you need out of the divorce and be done with it.

This is hardly the time to be a "big" person.

Don't stop playing the game until the judge signs off on the divorce. Separation means nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 7:38pm

First of all, congrats on the legal separation, that is a HUGE step my friend, so many congrats on that!

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 8:02pm
I have been reading these posts since november 2004. I have been so inspired by the woman speaking through this board and really couldn't have done it without being able to read their stories. The strengh of these women is awesome. Thank you all for sharing your stories.
A
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 12:43am

This sounds SO familiar! I also have a good career, good (incredible) family & freind support, & was emotionally & verbally, disgustingly, abused, by my STBX, with some minor physical as well - & of course, the threats to kill me, tear me a new a**hole, rip me to peices & burn the hous down with me in it were also part of it. So ... i also had to sort of "play the game" for a while. I had him removed with a RO.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 11:58am

I understand exactly what you are saying!! I feel the same way!! I just want out peacefully, with minimal damage. I know that once I'm out though, I don't care what happens to him. I'm so sick of him!! I pretend that I love him, I say that I love him, but inside, I just seethe!!

Stay strong. You are not awful at all. If he had taken responsibility for his behaviour a long time ago, it might have been different, but he CHOSE to remain an abusive jerk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 4:16pm
You can add my name to the list. I am sick of my husband and can't wait until I am free of him. I have no feelings left for him but resentment, disgust and fear but I don't dare show it. He thinks he is holding me by threatening suicide and other more subtle consequences. I wonder how surprised he will be when I am gone. Don't feel guilty. I am trying to work on that too. As has been said he is responsible for what he did to you and how you now feel about him. We need to hold each other up on this board. You have to 'play the game' for your own and your children's health, welfare and safety. He has made that necessary. You just can't talk to them in a reasonable way. They don't accept reality. You have taken a big step. Keep going and don't look back!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 12:08am
Thank You to everyone so, so much!! I pray that someday I can help someone else get through this nightmare.
A