H have anger issue or is it abuse?
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H have anger issue or is it abuse?
| Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:49pm |
I don't know where to even start. But maybe I can tell you a little about my situation and you can give me your opinion. I've been married to my husband for 3.5 years and we have a 2 year old son. My husband's father was abusive to his mother. He doesn't seem to be like that any longer. She said she doesn't take he crap anymore. They don't seem to be very loving to each other. Anyway, before we got married there were red flags but I choose to ignore them. This is my second marriage my first marriage my husband was verbally abusive. This is a little different. I'm not even sure if I am being abused. Let see, he doesn't call me stupid or ugly like my 1st husband. He lets me do what ever I want and I control all of our money. On the norm he is ok. But here iswhere I'm confused, he gets angry alot when things don't go his way. He seems to want to make sure that he is right. He is very quick to get mad. He is quick to point out what I do wrong For instance a family member is baby sitting our son for a couple of nights and he said that I was pawning off our son. The only reason he said that is because I asked him to spend more time with our child. It's like tit for tat. If he asks me to move the car and I'm in a hurry to be somewhere and I tell him I can't, he rolls his eyes
and huffs and puffs. It's like I'm constantly on the defense. I feel that he tries to take jabs at me all the time, like not put me down just make sure that I know when I've done something wrong. He also says stuff like you did yada yada, but he also does yada yada and when I say well you did that a week ago he says why can't I just tell you when you do something and you leave it alone. But how can I when he does the same things. Why should I have done something wrong but he doesn't when he does the same
things. He is always negative. When he has had a few to drink he can sometimes really be quicker to get mad at me. Everything has to be his way most of time. Very rare does he do something that I want to do when he is not in the mood. I want to leave him. When I've told him that he cries and I feel bad for him. He knows he takes after his
father because he has said so himself. If he goes to therapy I don't think it would change how I feel. I guess after awhile of being in this situation makes me want to not try anymore. But see I'm just not sure if I'm being abused and I should know because I was in a relationship that I was being verbally abused. He doesn't fit all the signs of a verbal abuser. Just need to talk to someone who can help. Hope I made sense.
and huffs and puffs. It's like I'm constantly on the defense. I feel that he tries to take jabs at me all the time, like not put me down just make sure that I know when I've done something wrong. He also says stuff like you did yada yada, but he also does yada yada and when I say well you did that a week ago he says why can't I just tell you when you do something and you leave it alone. But how can I when he does the same things. Why should I have done something wrong but he doesn't when he does the same
things. He is always negative. When he has had a few to drink he can sometimes really be quicker to get mad at me. Everything has to be his way most of time. Very rare does he do something that I want to do when he is not in the mood. I want to leave him. When I've told him that he cries and I feel bad for him. He knows he takes after his
father because he has said so himself. If he goes to therapy I don't think it would change how I feel. I guess after awhile of being in this situation makes me want to not try anymore. But see I'm just not sure if I'm being abused and I should know because I was in a relationship that I was being verbally abused. He doesn't fit all the signs of a verbal abuser. Just need to talk to someone who can help. Hope I made sense.

And he flies off the handle when things don't go his way (which is often). I think he creates his own dilemas just so he can have a tizzy fit. He will throw things, kick things, swear and yell, and then when I try to talk to him about it later, he will say "I wasn't mad at you, I didn't hit you or call you names. You must not know what the defination of mad is."
In my opinion, anytime your partner makes you feel bad for an ongoing period of time and doesn't seem to care, it's abusive. A loving partner wants what is best for their partner, not to make them feel inferior.
My situation was/is just like amberwaves3. But I was stupid enough to take it for over 20 years. But during the last 10 is when my eyes started to open and I mean wide. I went back to school, dispite his objections and started to be more independent. Got a great job and raised two great kids dispite his abusive mouth, selfish behavior and down right meanness. The kicker (no pun intended) came when my dd went off to college, (he refused to pay for)he was the reason she was seeing a counselor for depression. Her senior year of high school, he couldn't be bothered attending alot of her functions and gave me no help on the graduation party, the pictures, the class ring, senior prom, etc. either financially or physically. And then he started in on my ds. Then he gave him a black eye (an accident?) Then he flew into another rage on the way to the auto show and while at the auto show cause I wasn't where I said I would be. I went to see a lawyer the next week. I served him the following week. I've never looked back and I've never been happier. People tell me that I look great! My divorce will be final soon and the kids and I can't wait to begin our new life, free of insults, accuations, yelling and untold nastiness. His own family is shocked! Funny his father is the exact same way!!! Should have seen it comming. I hope you see it comming - cause I'm here to tell ya it never gets better for long. Think long and hard about yourself and your child, do the right thing for her before it's 20+ years and she has to see a counselor for the rest of her adult life.
Been there, done that, never looked back!!!!
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