H have anger issue or is it abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
H have anger issue or is it abuse?
5
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:49pm
I don't know where to even start. But maybe I can tell you a little about my situation and you can give me your opinion. I've been married to my husband for 3.5 years and we have a 2 year old son. My husband's father was abusive to his mother. He doesn't seem to be like that any longer. She said she doesn't take he crap anymore. They don't seem to be very loving to each other. Anyway, before we got married there were red flags but I choose to ignore them. This is my second marriage my first marriage my husband was verbally abusive. This is a little different. I'm not even sure if I am being abused. Let see, he doesn't call me stupid or ugly like my 1st husband. He lets me do what ever I want and I control all of our money. On the norm he is ok. But here iswhere I'm confused, he gets angry alot when things don't go his way. He seems to want to make sure that he is right. He is very quick to get mad. He is quick to point out what I do wrong For instance a family member is baby sitting our son for a couple of nights and he said that I was pawning off our son. The only reason he said that is because I asked him to spend more time with our child. It's like tit for tat. If he asks me to move the car and I'm in a hurry to be somewhere and I tell him I can't, he rolls his eyes

and huffs and puffs. It's like I'm constantly on the defense. I feel that he tries to take jabs at me all the time, like not put me down just make sure that I know when I've done something wrong. He also says stuff like you did yada yada, but he also does yada yada and when I say well you did that a week ago he says why can't I just tell you when you do something and you leave it alone. But how can I when he does the same things. Why should I have done something wrong but he doesn't when he does the same

things. He is always negative. When he has had a few to drink he can sometimes really be quicker to get mad at me. Everything has to be his way most of time. Very rare does he do something that I want to do when he is not in the mood. I want to leave him. When I've told him that he cries and I feel bad for him. He knows he takes after his

father because he has said so himself. If he goes to therapy I don't think it would change how I feel. I guess after awhile of being in this situation makes me want to not try anymore. But see I'm just not sure if I'm being abused and I should know because I was in a relationship that I was being verbally abused. He doesn't fit all the signs of a verbal abuser. Just need to talk to someone who can help. Hope I made sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:40pm
My finace (x-fiance as of last night) is the same way. Everything is my fault and he is very quick to point out every little thing me and my son do wrong. Even if it's leaving a light on or leaving a glass on the coffee table. But if he does it, it's okay. Even though I pay the electricity bill and clean the house! He has even called my son back inside to shut the tv off, while he was sitting in the living room watching it too! We are supposed to always put him first, and he always puts himself first. He's very controlling and condescending. He doesn't call me stupid or ugly (until last night) but he implies that I don't know anything and that he doesn't take me seriously. Even if he's not calling you names or hitting you, it's still abusive and it's still wrong, and any loving relationship should not be that way. (My x-finace uses that excuse all the time...."it's not like I'm hitting you or cheating on you"....but that still doesn't make it right.)

And he flies off the handle when things don't go his way (which is often). I think he creates his own dilemas just so he can have a tizzy fit. He will throw things, kick things, swear and yell, and then when I try to talk to him about it later, he will say "I wasn't mad at you, I didn't hit you or call you names. You must not know what the defination of mad is."

In my opinion, anytime your partner makes you feel bad for an ongoing period of time and doesn't seem to care, it's abusive. A loving partner wants what is best for their partner, not to make them feel inferior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:07pm
Thank you for responding. I want to be with someone who is loving. Not loving just for a month. But how do you leave? I was thinking of waiting until the next outburst and say that is it. See right now he is being very sweet and I feel guilty. Don't know why but I do. He said he wanted to go to therapy but I've been unhappy for so long I don't want to work it out. I just want out. But I hate to hurt him. Crazy to think that way huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 10:21pm
Hi there,

My situation was/is just like amberwaves3. But I was stupid enough to take it for over 20 years. But during the last 10 is when my eyes started to open and I mean wide. I went back to school, dispite his objections and started to be more independent. Got a great job and raised two great kids dispite his abusive mouth, selfish behavior and down right meanness. The kicker (no pun intended) came when my dd went off to college, (he refused to pay for)he was the reason she was seeing a counselor for depression. Her senior year of high school, he couldn't be bothered attending alot of her functions and gave me no help on the graduation party, the pictures, the class ring, senior prom, etc. either financially or physically. And then he started in on my ds. Then he gave him a black eye (an accident?) Then he flew into another rage on the way to the auto show and while at the auto show cause I wasn't where I said I would be. I went to see a lawyer the next week. I served him the following week. I've never looked back and I've never been happier. People tell me that I look great! My divorce will be final soon and the kids and I can't wait to begin our new life, free of insults, accuations, yelling and untold nastiness. His own family is shocked! Funny his father is the exact same way!!! Should have seen it comming. I hope you see it comming - cause I'm here to tell ya it never gets better for long. Think long and hard about yourself and your child, do the right thing for her before it's 20+ years and she has to see a counselor for the rest of her adult life.

Been there, done that, never looked back!!!!

e
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 5:12pm
OMG ileenie this sounds just like my STBX-we are just starting the divorce process but he too is a verbal and mental abuser. Control freak too. I had an appraiser here friday to appraise the house and all my stbx could say was who are you and this house isn't for sale yet and I pay the house payment and I'll say when it is for sale ( my attorney wanted an appraisal). He then later said to me well you could have at least cleaned the house, i had things fairly well picked up and was going to finish when i got home from work but the appraiser called and wanted to come earlier, told him i was not quite ready and he said I don't look at those things. Mine won't move out it is going to be a long 9 months, I should have done this a long time ago we have been married 22 years. He served me first and now I counter sued, he is just going to crap when he gets the papers. I did some things for my self last week, had my nails done ( never allowed to spend the money for this), had my hair colored, hi lighted and cut it is short( was always told short hair was for fat girls) of course he made a comment about it to the kids. Well that is too bad because from everyone else i have had nothing but positive reaction to my hair. I'm a new person and I'm really ling her. Anyone in an abusive relationship whether it is physical or verbal get out your life will be a lot better as i am finding out. I love these boards.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 11:24pm
I think abuse.