H just called me at work...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
H just called me at work...
9
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 9:48am

I need a "sigh" icon.

H just called me at work... very subdued and sad, but not the usual mopey sad thing. He got to see ds yesterday, and apologized for scaring him last Sunday, so ds is now feeling better about contact with his Dad.

H said he's working on his problems. He's seeing a psychiatrist to work on the depression and anger, and taking meds now. He says he's known he's had a problem for a very long time but just hadn't done anything about it because of his anger and stubbornness. He said it's not all my fault for everything, and that he understands that he played a huge part in how things are. He now wants the chance to make things better for ds and I, and to treat us appropriately.

I'm afraid I was a bit sarcastic on the phone, with repeating things he's told me over the years...

... if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be depressed
... if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be so sad
... if it wasn't for me, you'd be happy
... if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be so angry
... if it wasn't for me...
... if it wasn't for me...

His response was that none of that was true. So, why after nearly 12 years of marriage does he come to this revelation?

He wants time to get better and prove to ds and I that things can be better. He doesn't want any lawyers or court dates... and for me to give him time. I told him I'd think about it... but I'm really feeling that I'm done... I just read someone else post that... it's just a little too late. It is. If this had happened 10 years ago... even 7 years ago, I think it may have made a huge difference... but now? I told him that no matter what, he has to get better for himself, and for ds... of course his response was that he wanted to get better for me and ds

You know... this is the first time I can remember having a rational conversation with him. He's not so bad when he's rational.

Phoenix

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 10:02am

Phoenix,

Just want you to know that I am here and read your post. I live in Prescott Valley. Will step aside because I know there is alot of good advice coming. Be safe,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 10:12am

It's often times hard to tell if they are really changing or not.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 11:56am

Hi Sherry,

Thank you for your support!

Phoenix

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 12:04pm

Hi Wishful,

Thank you for the link. I know the percentage of men who really change is extremely low. For his own sake, and for ds' sake... I really hope he does keep with it and change. He'd started therapy in the past (about 5 years ago), only for me to get pulled in for joint counseling which didn't help (and we stopped because he felt like I was attacking him every time we went... hmmm... go figure... I actually had a third party there to help me feel safe in expressing myself) ... and he'd been put on meds in the past for depression. He's already complaining about how much they upset his stomach (so I told him to wait it out while his body adjusts to the medication, and to take it at night).

I really appreciate the support this board provides and has provided me over the years.

Phoenix

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 1:19pm
He's rational, he's not rational,he's up and he's down. He is saying the right things, but how long would it last if you took him back? A day or maybe even a whole month, but sooner or later he would slide right back where he was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 5:05pm

I have also found that my STBX is easier to get along with when he's in a good mood and in a good state of mind. I think that if there's a behavior that someone is used to exhibiting, that person needs to put alot of time and energy into constantly changing it to something else.

:)

Some people just aren't that dedicated and they lose interest early. Others need a goal to focus on to change it. Once they achieve that goal, there is a chance they slip back into prior behaviors.

Hope I've made sense. Hugs to all.

~Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 6:19pm

That was me "Too little, too late".

This what i can tell you, "belive what they SHOW you, not what they TELL you". If you are unsure, there is nothing keeping you from saying "Lets wait & see. Live your life, get yourself in order & we will see, WAY down the road". But i can totally see the feeling of just not even WANTING that anymore. For SO many years you pray, scream, beg, plead ... & then suddenly, when WE are DONE ... *now* they "See the light". (if in fact they are - i dont know your H's history, but for mine, i bet he hasnt seen it). But that CANNOT erase all the past, not for me anyway. I think thats why my H is SO crazed right now ... finally, he is in a batterers program, he is seeing his psyc faithfully, he is admitting to it all ... & whether its b/c he was told to do all this, is doing it for looks or REALLY belives it all, it really DOESNT matter - b/c i have nothing left for him. Today was the 1st time he heard the words, from ME, that i am divorcing him. His bubble of denial was just popped, BIG time.

Good luck to you, are you in counseling? Thats another thing that can be very helpful, R~

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 6:00pm

You know, my Dad reminded me last night that I got all kinds of promises the last time I moved out... and that it all went back to the same-ol' thing... sort of. H got better at the subtle abuse.

The other day, h told me that he wasn't trying to throw me out of the house those nights... it was a challenge. If I didn't want to work on making things better, then I could leave.

Well, I'm still determined to stay out. I have an appointment to sign a lease on an apartment on Thursday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 9:51am

Hi Fives, Phoenix, Be strong and have a great day!

Luv, Sherry