At the "hands" of parents ?
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| Fri, 04-16-2004 - 5:32pm |
Ok, now frequently as I read so many others plights here on this board and on other verbally abusive forums, I feel my situation isn't all that bad and I wonder many things. One thing that I have always felt and never EVER shared with anyone - is that I couldn't wait until my Mom died. Yes. There is is in black and white. I've never said it before, I've never written it before and I've never shared it with anyone before. I have always felt so guilty for feeling that way. I felt it was the only way that I would be free of her - but why? What did she do to me that was so bad that I wanted her gone from my life? She was my mother. I shouldn't have felt that way. I didn't cry at her funeral. I was sad, but I knew it was where she wanted to be. She had been so miserable for quite a few years before she died. She chose to die. She was ready. It was a peaceful death, many of us kids were there with her when she took her last breath.
But I don't remember what she did that made me want her out of my life. I want to remember. I think it will help me to realize why I can't walk away from my idiot H now. I don't love him. I haven't loved him for a long time. And I have wished for him to die, except the kids would miss him. Why am I like this? I don't understand.

Hey Pam -
I know that when my mom's dad died, the only thing she said about it was, "Well, at least Mother's free now."
CL-Blueliner4
What gabby mentioned does make sense.
I am going to rock the boat on this one, but as I do this I am thinking of my own mom. They are only human beings and dealt with the cards that were laid out for them. Everyone does the best they can, if they aren't doing that, it's not your fault, it's just because you have learned more. Life is too short to analyze everyone else's problems. You need to deal what is on your plate and what you can do to make you happy. If they chose not to be happy that is their problem. That doesn't mean they don't love you or anyone, they just have too much baggage and need to come to terms with it theirselves.
Dissenting opinions welcome, Cam.
CL-Blueliner4
I, too, was stuck for a long time being in the stage of blaming and not taking responsibility for my own happiness. It seemed that I also just didn't want to be happy, and married an abuser who was just like my own mother (actually he is the perfect blend of all the worst traits each of my parents has---he matches them so perfectly I couldn't have found him if I had started out on a purposeful search. Amazing! Baffling!)
But that is what abuse does. We can't move on like a "normal" person would after a disappointment and focus on ourselves. We latch onto whoever has hurt us and continue to pursue people who would hurt us in the same way. At least I have done this. Why?
I'm now at the point where I can see that I have lived most of my life blaming my parents for my own unhappiness, and that I need to start taking responsibility for my own life. This is a very hard realization. In some ways, I haven't been any better than them, stuck in their own hatred. I can't seem to get over all the mean things my mother has done, which all stems from the fact that she hates my father and I am so much more like him than her. I even look just like him. Her resentment runs very deep. It seems when I take a step forward, I then find myself AGAIN resenting her and hating her back just the way she hates me.
But I can't waste any more time in the past. It is the present and I have to live now. That means shedding all the anger and hurt and going on with my life. I have to leave them behind. Because I am NOT them. I am NOT like them. I have three beautiful babies that need me and I love them. And I am proud that I have been able to foster the wonderful relationship we have together despite the example my parents set for me. Maybe I'm making progress after all.
Monique
I could go on for so long about both of their families and give a million reasons as to why they were the way they were and ultimately I am seeing why I am the way I am. Now, I need to retrain myself. To take responsibilty for only me. I can't and shouldn't try to control the outcome of other peoples situations, only mine. By trying to keep the peace with my husband, I in turn try to control everyone and everything around us to keep him happy, that means my kids, co-workers so they won't talk "too" much to me, or whatever it is that sets him off.
This is all a long light bulb moment for me. I have felt badly for feeling like I have been blaming my husband for his manipulative and controlling ways. I have looked at his family and ubbringing, his father was an alcoholic and definetly was abusive to his wife. It is as plain as day as I look back at them. But I also have to realize that he should be able to see this as well, he does not have to try to live as his father did, he can choose to be different, if he sees it. But he won't - out of fear - out of the fact that he doesn't want to blame them and won't understand they aren't to blame - they too were doing the best they could.
I am trying not to BLAME anybody anymore, I am trying to learn to take RESPONSIBILITY for my stuff and I would like others near to me to do the same, but not everyone can do that. They are afraid of the hurt. It is not an easy road. But I choose that road. I want to take responsibility for myself and my feelings and my actions. I see what I "did" to my children, I am not to blame, but I am responsible. I'm ok with that. Now I must accept my feelings as mine and not be afraid to share them with others, good or bad feelings, they are mine and I have a right to them even if DH doesn't like them.
Oh, this got so long!! Gabby, Wishful, Terry and Monique - we all got to where we are partly because of our parents. But there comes a time when we must take responsibilty for ourselves and where our life is going. I am at that crossroad. It won't be easy, I know that, but I must do for me now and those who truly love me, will understand. Those that don't, well, I'm better without them.
Cam - I loved my parents they were wonderful, I couldn't have asked for better parents for me. I have felt guilty about the way that I felt about my mother, that was why I spoke of it. I needed to air it. I think she was the controlling and manipulative person. I reacted the only way a child could react, to try to keep mommy happy. I didn't like the yelling, I still don't like yelling. I try to stop it. My point is, it has helped me to see why I am where I am. I have had such horrible mixed feelings because of having that one feeling - but now I understand why I felt it. I have SO much compassion for people who have been hurt, that I want to make them feel loved and ok, it is what I tried to do for my mother. To make her feel loved and ok. It is what I do for my dh now. I try to make him feel like he is worthy of love and he is ok. But if he doesn't feel it, believe it himself, nothing I can do will change that. He has to realize it. Yes, I do make him feel good, because he deserves to feel good, everyone does. But I feel that he is controlling me to do that for him, that he sulks and pouts when I start to stand up for the things I feel, it is how he reels me back in. As long as I'm paying full attention to his feelings, things are great, when I don't, that is when he starts manipulating me.
Now - lets get outside and enjoy the sunshine - Time to take the hard top off my jeep and put the soft top on!! I LOVE SUNSHINE!!!
I love you guys (ok, gals) here, I wish and pray for peace and happiness and comfort and joy for any and all of us - everyone deserves it - go find it!
Looks like another nice day today!
Terry
All my life, I have spent my emotional energy trying to make my mother happy and Im still trying to brand it into my skull, that I can't make the woman happy.