At the "hands" of parents ?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
At the "hands" of parents ?
8
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 5:32pm
I was just lurking around reading and Wishful - I was reading about how you said if your mom died tomorrow you would not feel any remorse because of all she has put you through. Now reading just the little bit that you mentioned about what she has done to you - my goodness, how mean, how cruel, how WRONG!!! My heart goes out to you. You are much stronger than even you realize.

Ok, now frequently as I read so many others plights here on this board and on other verbally abusive forums, I feel my situation isn't all that bad and I wonder many things. One thing that I have always felt and never EVER shared with anyone - is that I couldn't wait until my Mom died. Yes. There is is in black and white. I've never said it before, I've never written it before and I've never shared it with anyone before. I have always felt so guilty for feeling that way. I felt it was the only way that I would be free of her - but why? What did she do to me that was so bad that I wanted her gone from my life? She was my mother. I shouldn't have felt that way. I didn't cry at her funeral. I was sad, but I knew it was where she wanted to be. She had been so miserable for quite a few years before she died. She chose to die. She was ready. It was a peaceful death, many of us kids were there with her when she took her last breath.

But I don't remember what she did that made me want her out of my life. I want to remember. I think it will help me to realize why I can't walk away from my idiot H now. I don't love him. I haven't loved him for a long time. And I have wished for him to die, except the kids would miss him. Why am I like this? I don't understand.

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Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 6:30pm

Hey Pam -


I know that when my mom's dad died, the only thing she said about it was, "Well, at least Mother's free now."

CL-Blueliner4

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Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 2:54pm

What gabby mentioned does make sense.

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Registered: 02-10-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 7:49pm
Ok,

I am going to rock the boat on this one, but as I do this I am thinking of my own mom. They are only human beings and dealt with the cards that were laid out for them. Everyone does the best they can, if they aren't doing that, it's not your fault, it's just because you have learned more. Life is too short to analyze everyone else's problems. You need to deal what is on your plate and what you can do to make you happy. If they chose not to be happy that is their problem. That doesn't mean they don't love you or anyone, they just have too much baggage and need to come to terms with it theirselves.

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Registered: 11-12-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 1:40am

Dissenting opinions welcome, Cam.

CL-Blueliner4

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Registered: 02-26-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 9:23am
I love this discussion because so much of it applies to me. I too have wished that my parents would die and then feel terribly guilty that I could ever even think such a thing. But the truth is that they were the abusive ones. And they were abusive not just in my childhood but continue to this day to be a burden.

I, too, was stuck for a long time being in the stage of blaming and not taking responsibility for my own happiness. It seemed that I also just didn't want to be happy, and married an abuser who was just like my own mother (actually he is the perfect blend of all the worst traits each of my parents has---he matches them so perfectly I couldn't have found him if I had started out on a purposeful search. Amazing! Baffling!)

But that is what abuse does. We can't move on like a "normal" person would after a disappointment and focus on ourselves. We latch onto whoever has hurt us and continue to pursue people who would hurt us in the same way. At least I have done this. Why?

I'm now at the point where I can see that I have lived most of my life blaming my parents for my own unhappiness, and that I need to start taking responsibility for my own life. This is a very hard realization. In some ways, I haven't been any better than them, stuck in their own hatred. I can't seem to get over all the mean things my mother has done, which all stems from the fact that she hates my father and I am so much more like him than her. I even look just like him. Her resentment runs very deep. It seems when I take a step forward, I then find myself AGAIN resenting her and hating her back just the way she hates me.

But I can't waste any more time in the past. It is the present and I have to live now. That means shedding all the anger and hurt and going on with my life. I have to leave them behind. Because I am NOT them. I am NOT like them. I have three beautiful babies that need me and I love them. And I am proud that I have been able to foster the wonderful relationship we have together despite the example my parents set for me. Maybe I'm making progress after all.

Monique

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 10:52am
cam - I don't blame my parents. It wasn't until recently that this has come to the forefront for me. I have known for a long time that I can't remember much of my childhood. But I also absolutely know that they were NEVER physically abusive to me. But they were emotionally unavailable to me. Both my sister and I have talked about this and we have mentioned it to a couple (I have 4) of my brothers. They (the boys) are all older than us and my sister is the baby. The boys have told us that life was very difficult. That there was a lot of yelling between my parents. About money a lot of the time. 6 kids to feed was difficult even in the 50's and 60's. My dad worked 2 jobs and I remember my mom used to do ironing to earm more money. And the biggie as to why I don't blame my mother - her mom died in childbirth when my mom was only a child. I believe she was around 8 or 9 years old. The step mom that came into the picture later was tough. I'm sure it was difficult for her to come in to raise someone else's children. My mom related many stories to us that obviously made her (my mothers) childhood pretty miserable. My parents did the absolute best they could given their own sets of circumstances of their upbringing. I don't blame them. I feel badly for them. I felt badly for them. I think that I felt responsible for trying to keep the peace as a child and so I continue in that pattern now, with my husband, my kids and even co-workers. But I realize now - it isn't my job to keep the peace, but to retrain myself to not try to keep the peace and to find my own feelings and what they are and decide what I need to stand up for - not any easy task. I think that somehow, I was made to feel responsible - codependent even though neither of my parents drank. I can only remember one occasion when my dad had too much to drink and it was when I was in high school and he had come home (with my mom) from a party that was done for him leaving his job.

I could go on for so long about both of their families and give a million reasons as to why they were the way they were and ultimately I am seeing why I am the way I am. Now, I need to retrain myself. To take responsibilty for only me. I can't and shouldn't try to control the outcome of other peoples situations, only mine. By trying to keep the peace with my husband, I in turn try to control everyone and everything around us to keep him happy, that means my kids, co-workers so they won't talk "too" much to me, or whatever it is that sets him off.

This is all a long light bulb moment for me. I have felt badly for feeling like I have been blaming my husband for his manipulative and controlling ways. I have looked at his family and ubbringing, his father was an alcoholic and definetly was abusive to his wife. It is as plain as day as I look back at them. But I also have to realize that he should be able to see this as well, he does not have to try to live as his father did, he can choose to be different, if he sees it. But he won't - out of fear - out of the fact that he doesn't want to blame them and won't understand they aren't to blame - they too were doing the best they could.

I am trying not to BLAME anybody anymore, I am trying to learn to take RESPONSIBILITY for my stuff and I would like others near to me to do the same, but not everyone can do that. They are afraid of the hurt. It is not an easy road. But I choose that road. I want to take responsibility for myself and my feelings and my actions. I see what I "did" to my children, I am not to blame, but I am responsible. I'm ok with that. Now I must accept my feelings as mine and not be afraid to share them with others, good or bad feelings, they are mine and I have a right to them even if DH doesn't like them.

Oh, this got so long!! Gabby, Wishful, Terry and Monique - we all got to where we are partly because of our parents. But there comes a time when we must take responsibilty for ourselves and where our life is going. I am at that crossroad. It won't be easy, I know that, but I must do for me now and those who truly love me, will understand. Those that don't, well, I'm better without them.

Cam - I loved my parents they were wonderful, I couldn't have asked for better parents for me. I have felt guilty about the way that I felt about my mother, that was why I spoke of it. I needed to air it. I think she was the controlling and manipulative person. I reacted the only way a child could react, to try to keep mommy happy. I didn't like the yelling, I still don't like yelling. I try to stop it. My point is, it has helped me to see why I am where I am. I have had such horrible mixed feelings because of having that one feeling - but now I understand why I felt it. I have SO much compassion for people who have been hurt, that I want to make them feel loved and ok, it is what I tried to do for my mother. To make her feel loved and ok. It is what I do for my dh now. I try to make him feel like he is worthy of love and he is ok. But if he doesn't feel it, believe it himself, nothing I can do will change that. He has to realize it. Yes, I do make him feel good, because he deserves to feel good, everyone does. But I feel that he is controlling me to do that for him, that he sulks and pouts when I start to stand up for the things I feel, it is how he reels me back in. As long as I'm paying full attention to his feelings, things are great, when I don't, that is when he starts manipulating me.

Now - lets get outside and enjoy the sunshine - Time to take the hard top off my jeep and put the soft top on!! I LOVE SUNSHINE!!!

I love you guys (ok, gals) here, I wish and pray for peace and happiness and comfort and joy for any and all of us - everyone deserves it - go find it!

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Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 7:47am
Wow, I think I will talk about cross-stitching next time! Actually, I think it's part of the healing process to rid yourself of the devils of the past. Pam, you are just so good at writing it down. My counselor says that all our thought processes and decisions are from what we learned in the past. It's so true, isn't it? We learned at a very young age that in order to be happy the person next to us has to be happy too and we do whatever we can to create their happiness. It doesn't matter what they do to us. In fact the more demanding they come the more we try to "fix" their problems....until that moment comes and we have to look out for our own survival. That's when it gets tricky because we have to look at ourselves and accept who we are. Then the forgiving of the past becomes a little harder to swallow. My sister won't let the past go and she is such a mess. Tomorrow will be exactly 5 months of freedom for me. I sit here now in awe of the growth I have had in the past months. I will never go back to where I was and I no longer care about what happened in the past...I can't fix that. What I can do now is enjoy every sweet moment given to me. I feel so lucky because I feel like someone who was only given stale bread for years got an opportunity to taste a piece of steak! As far as your husband goes, don't feel bad for him. He is the one with the problem and he has to fix his own problems. You will never be able to fix them for him. Wendell was great when life went exactly how he wanted it. My happiness was only important to the extent that it was what he wanted me to be happy about. It does take some retraining of ourselves. But so worth it!

Looks like another nice day today!


Terry

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Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:53am

All my life, I have spent my emotional energy trying to make my mother happy and Im still trying to brand it into my skull, that I can't make the woman happy.