Happy Days? Vent...
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| Tue, 09-12-2006 - 4:56pm |
Ok, so I am driving myself crazy with "should I stay or should I go" over and over and over. I can't decide if H is abusing or really just mean. What is a normal healthy relationship like? I think I've made excuses and ignored a lot for 10 years that I have no concept. I want to be married to my best friend and I don't have that. Does it really exist? Shouldn't I want to be with the person I'm married to? I dread it when he comes home, glad when he leaves and roll my eyes when my cell phone rings and it's him. I avoid him. Now H finally realizes that I'm not happy (after how many months of me not talking or being my usual animated self????). He is bending over backwards "if you're not happy, then I'm not happy". It's such a load of sh--. Because if I don't respond and perk up, he'll go on his merry way and we'll be back to him yelling. If I do respond, then he gets back to normal and never realizes that I still don't have what I want. Wow--who on this board said it was a rollercoaster? It really is. I guess what I'm trying to say is the happy days never last. Shouldn't they? Because I am making myself an emotional wreck I have decided to go to counseling by myself. I have never done this before so I don't know what to expect or if anyone is really going to get in my face and say "he's abusing you and the kids---this is NOT normal" or whether I'll find out that this is just a normal "mid-life crisis" that women my age have and "this too shall pass" and the marriage will be fine. Somehow I'm not so sure of that but is that just the way I'm feeling this week? I just need to get it figured out. And of course to add to all this, H and I have not had sex in about 6 months. He leaves for work early, comes home late with no explanations and I don't ask (don't care) and I heard him on the phone a few nights ago talking in deep hushed tones--he was on late at night. I wasn't smart enough to hit re-dial the next morning.....next time. My best friend swears he's cheating....which has been an issue in our past. I don't care if he is--I'd love to catch him so I'd have the excuse I need to leave. Spineless? Yeah.
Now that I've typed all that, what should I expect from counseling and what "issue" should I work on first in counseling? My appt is in a week.

Hello,
I tried that also, letting him cheat because I thought that would make it easier for me to leave. Instead, he twisted it all around on me, telling me it was my fault and I am still with him. Now its two years later and I'm more bitter than ever and he's nowhere close to leaving. I think the counselling is a great idea. I went to counseling and it helped me for a while but my counselors still couldn't get me to leave. I am still not sure what's wrong with me that I can continue to pretend that everythign is alright. I am becoming so unhappy that I'm afraid I'm going to lose my children. They seem to want to be with their dad over me. I don't know if that's because I'm so moody all the time or he's telling them things about me. Well, I know for a fact he tells them lies about me, but that's in conjunction with my short temper lately. I never used to get upset or angry with them and now its all I do.
I guess my advice is to definately find a good counselor and figure out what you want. Do you want to stay with him and make the marriage work or do you want to leave? Once you decide what you want go for it because you deserve to be happy and be married to your best friend. I have so many g/f's who have that wonderful loving relationship and they just don't understand why I stay where I am.
I have changed a lot also. I used to be one of those people that were happy all the time. I am not that way anymore. I have lost some friends because they just cannot deal with my unhappiness anymore. I think you're doing the right thing and I hope you keep posting. Maybe I will learn from your journey.
Take care.
If you think there is problems in your relationship, then there probably is. You wouldn't be worried about nothing. You know that something just isn't right.
I also agree that counselling is a good idea. Go alone and also go to a counsellor that specializes in domestic abuse.
How many kids to you have with this man?
No happy days last in abusive relationships. It will always be a rollercoaster. You deserve so much more than that. In healthy normal relationships he treats you with respect, doesn't switch stories around and blame you, they take responsibility for their actions... this list could go on and on...."if he abuses you he doesn't respect you, if he respects you he doesn't abuse you"
Take Care.... Keep us posted on how you are doing.
Lauren
Thanks for the posts. It really is a rollercoaster. H is now not even speaking since I didn't respond to the "if you're not happy, then I'm not happy" routine. I knew that nicey-nice crap wouldn't last. My best friend called the other night and I was laughing and joking around with her. When I got off the phone, he commented that I can talk to her but not him. I held my tongue (which I've done way too much of lately) because he had a late-night conversation with "someone" which he wasn't willing to tell me about, got a raise at work and didn't even tell me (I found the paperwork for it shoved in a cabinet in the garage) and this morning he told me he's not coming home for dinner tonight and he'll be gone all next week on a business trip. I forced myself to ask where he's going on the trip and he said "none of your business---you don't care anyway". I never got an answer. And yet I'm the one who won't communicate. It makes me crazy.
I have also changed. I used to be so easy-going, the last person to get mad or upset about anything. I had a very playful, fun personality. I thought it was my job making me into a monster but it wasn't. I am short and abrupt with my kids, have the foulest moods, have used the filthiest language when mad, and the slightest thing will set me off. I can still muster up the playful personality with my kids on occasion and with friends but it's not like it was. I'm afraid to do anything---leave H because I'm afraid that I'll be just as miserable. I'm afraid to look for a job because I'm afraid I'll be stressed out again working. I'm afraid to do anything or make any decisions. Somedays it's all I can do to decide what to fix for dinner and what clothes to wear. I just feel emotionally drained. I am actually anxious to go to counseling to see if it's something inside me that is so awfully unhappy or if it really is a reaction to all the crap I've endured from H for so long. I have a beautiful home, nice car, I'm a stay-at-home mom now, we're not struggling financially and I'm miserable. What is wrong with me?
H and I have been down this road before. I actually packed his stuff in a trash bag and put it in his truck last year. THAT did not go over well. I asked him to move out again in May and he refused. He said I could go but leave the kids. Never. Never. Never.
Speaking of the kids, I don't trust H with them. I was sick one day this week and went to bed early. I heard him in the other room with my 2 year old son screaming at him for dragging toys, etc. out. I totally know about being blamed for everything. He will say that I am causing his short temper because he hasn't had sex in X number of months.
Which brings me back to the sex thing. I have always been very affectionate and he never returns any of it unless he wants sex. I got so sick of giving and him taking that I was beginning to feel used. He has tried to demand sex and I have no desire for him. None. He doesn't seem to give anything in the relationship. When I ask him what he gives to the relationship, he can't think of anything except a paycheck.
Something's got to give...
I feel like I wrote this post! WOW! Wow!
I don't even know what to say because that is just like my husband and me also. I want to go home tonight and tell him I'm leaving but I probaly won't. I'm more upset with myself than anything. My mom is upset with me for not leaving also. She keeps telling me that I am the only one who can do this and yet I wonder to myself why I can't do it. I mean, she doens't know about the physical abuse but she knows most of the verbal and emotional. I am lost and I hope we can all figure this out together.