This is a hard one
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 06-22-2005 - 1:25am |
Sometimes I feel like I should be more of an adult about this!! My STXH is and was best friends with my brother. Now because the abuse was emotional and sexual pressure...it is very hard to see. I also kept a lot of it hidden from my "all too normal" family for years until the split. My parents and other family members acknowledged and supported me. My brother supported me but could never really face what really went on. Therefore I never went into detail about anything with him of course and have tried very hard to let their friendship be because their relationship has nothing to do with me. Just that I am out of a relationship that was not good for me and my brother acknowledges that and is proud of me for getting out of it. However...they are still friends and they talk and visit each other...my brother even me my STXH's girlfriend.
Sometimes I feel like a jealous child because they are friends and something in me wants him to be mad at my ex. Then I have to remind myself that their relationship is completely different from my ex and myself and that it doesn't have anything to do with me. Just venting!!
Katlc

Kat, it's ok to vent and let it all out.
Katlc,
One thing that happens when you realize you married a jerk is that it is hard to believe other people can't see it. Most people don't want to get involved and don't think as deeply as we do about feelings. A side affect of being abused is that you spent so much time worrying about everything but yourself that it hurts when you see someone you love still remain in contact.
Give it time. My dad still thought old Wendell was a good guy even after all that he did to me. In fact, in his mind he is concerned about what might be wrong with him. I just let it go. I do not, however, hide things that happen because of him.
Let your brother make his own decisions. Realize that you are seeing things in a whole new fresh world and others aren't where you are right now.
Terry
Thank you for the support. I do know that I have to let my brother make his own choice and I also know that he is unwilling to face what it is that the relationship did to me. See...even when I was very young...my mom would call me an "old soul" because I had an uncanny ability to understand people and be strong for them at a young age. Because of that everyone has always expected me to just "understand" because I have the ability to see all sides of an issue.
My brother never really faced or was willing to face or hear what really happened to me. I wouldn't want to push it on him either because he can only deal with what he wants to handle. This issue...he doesn't want to handle and I guess I understand that but it doesn't make it any easier. So...if it makes it easier for him to pretend that his baby sister is still strong and has it pulled together after leaving...(not dealing with the real reasons why) then he would be right. However...there is that little part of me that does understand but is extremely fearful of the world and the people in it right now. I need the ones I should be able to count on to be there and there are times that I don't feel that. I feel very empowered and proud that I made the break I did but I am still very, very "shell shocked" by the world in general and it's scarry.
Most of the time I am very happy and easy going. There are moments though...when I have to rely on someone or they "look" at me too closely that I get scared. I question their motives and wonder what they want from me. I get upset that I feel like all of them think of themselves first, even my brother. I wonder if the trust gets better?? I guess I find it kind of hard to trust when my friends and even parts of my family have a hard time facing what happened and have a hard time helping of those "bad" days because it makes me so sad to see them upset because of what I went through...did that make sense?
Anyway...I got off on a tangent... :)
Kat