Has anyone ever been in a Wom. Shelter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Has anyone ever been in a Wom. Shelter?
26
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:40pm
How were your experiences there?
I know that it is supposed to be for women who are fearful of staying in their own homes, but sometimes living with someone who is not physically but emotionally and verbally abusive can make it impossible to flourish in your own home. The counselour on the phone assured me that she thinks the situation I am in is the right one for coming in to the shelter.
I am afraid to go, afraid to expose my children to this. But my husband is making it impossible to stay. If you could tell me if some of you were there, how were your experiences?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 2:46pm

Most shelters are designed for temporary situations, often 30-60 day stays, generally until they can work with you to find new housing.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 4:36pm

I was. In La Crosse Wisconsin. New Horizon's Women Shelter.

In all honesty, I liked it there. I felt like a family. We each cooked one meal a week.
We had chores that we had to do, and had to have the list signed by the person in charge that day. We could bring our own food into the shelter, but we had to mark our name on the containers. The children had a set bedtime and HAD to be in the room by 8:00.

We had our own room, because there was six of us. :) In other rooms there could be up to three families depending on how many children there were.

I have also lived at the Salvation Army shelter for two weeks until I got an apartment of my own. That... wasn't the greatest experience, but I am VERY glad that they were there for me.

They also had counseling once a week along with counseling for the children.

TO be in the same room as other women who have been abused was VERY rewarding and enlighting for me. And my children benefited from being with other children who had witnessed the abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 6:36pm
Thank you so much for your input. I understand that for some situations this is a
G-D send. But for situations where there is generally no relationship between the husband and wife, and the husband is cruel but basically the confrontations that occur are not near the kids, I wonder how it will affect them. Now don't get me wrong for one second - there is no way that anything will stop me from going to that shelter once my older daughters' school is out. But I am just wondering how it will affect them. And the going to bed by 8:00PM - I know already that that isn't going to fly with them. But I know that every shelter has their own rules.
Thank you so much for your reply. You really did help a lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 11:44pm
If there isn't physical violence and the husband is cruel but not around the kids, I think the kids still know, on an emotional level they sense it. But if I was in that situation, I would choose not to disrupt their lives with a shelter. I would make secret plans to get my own place, and one day when he's at work or out just move to the new place that is already lined up and ready to move into. I would rather my kids from their old home to their new one, not old home to shelter to new home,if physical safety was not an issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 11:49pm
Hey...I work for the women's shelter in my county and we have the same rule about children being in their rooms by 8PM but they don't have to go to sleep. For our shelter, it's meant to be a family time. Bedtime is 10. When the shelter is filled to capacity, people have to share rooms. Sometimes it is full, sometimes it's not. There will be trained counselors to help the children adjust and they will adjust. Usually, children come to us one of two ways - acting out or acting happy. Both are acceptable and healthier than staying where they are, it is usually their first taste of true freedom and they show it. A shelter is a stepping stone to a better life. In our shelter, we have a children's playroom, a playground in a fenced in backyard, and a children's nutritional program so they're well taken care of. We also have a donations shop that we take the families to so they can get what they need as far as clothes and shoes go. We also have a computer room where women can work on resumes and other things they need to do. We have books, movies, nail polish, make-up, whatever anyone needs, we have it or can get it. And for those who need, we have court advocacy and we have transitional housing. All in all, your children can only benefit from getting out of their present environment of oppression and abuse. A shelter is a much better and healthy environment for all of you than living with your husband. It's a way to a much better life for all of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 12:14am

I left my home town in April, and my oldest children, had to start school in a new school district. They did fine. You'd be surprised how resilient children are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 12:18am

I agree with sweetdreams!!

Living in a women's shelter is better then putting up with the abuse.

The longer you let your children see the "abuse" the more they'll be traumatized by it.

My son is no longer legally my son. He was adopted out by his foster parents, because he couldn't live with me any longer, becuase he'd sexually molested his 6 year old twin sisters. And... he came after his older sisters with a knife. VERY unruly.

And my now 18 year old daughter, is putting up with emotionally abuse behavior because she saw that I put up with it for 12 years.

Don't let your kids be a victim like mine were.

Go to the shelter as soon as you can. Build a better life for you children and for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 2:52am
Thank you for your reply.
Not excusing his behaviour for one second, let me just state that my beautiful girls are very happy and well-adjusted girls. I am feeling the affect of my husband, and of course, they can see we are not happy together. But, although he is not the best father in the world, he does not abuse them in any way. He does need help with his parenting skills, no doubt and he lacks sensitivity many times. But I would never, in a million years allow him to be cruel to them in any way. He loves them, he saves his cruelty for me. Again, not excusing this for one minute.
Just important for me to point out that my life with the girls' is a happy one. I need to get away from him to get my life where I want it to be. But I am a strong person, and a very devoted mother. They do live in a happy home as far as they are concerned. What does affect them is the way my husband treats me in general. We have a roommate type of relationship and not a good one at that, and they need to see two parents that have a deep love for eachother. I do love him as the man I married, but I will not expose myself to this any longer.
I know you probably don't know why I am writing this, but I needed to point out that I am a very sensitive mother, and even an inkling of bad behavior from him does not fly with me. So, it is very important for me to write this. I have seen people excuse much worse behavior from their husband to them in front of the children, things I would never allow. And this is from people who are supposedly 'happily married.' They are growing up with a loving guidance from me. I just cannot bear anyone to think even remotely that any type of cruelty by him is shown to my kids. Again, never in a million years would I allow that. I would have gone to a womens' shelter right away if any type of this behavior would be directed at them. It is hard for me to understand how a poster might not distinguish this from everything I have written.
When I had gone to a life coach for a while to help me with my career goals, I had brought my kids for two sessions. She spoke to them for a while and gave them some games to play and commented over and over on what happy children they are.
She stated that my older daughter (upon speaking to her alone) is upset that daddy falls asleep on the couch sometimes upon coming home from work, but that is about it.
I just wanted to share this. It upsets me that I do post here and sometimes am met with people who stress about the atmosphere in the home. I post here to vent, and I know I am not being treated in the right way by him, but please try to distinguish between the two. I know some people may not understand why I am reacting this way, but my reputation as a good and sensitive mother was always there and I needed to point this out.
I hope you understand why this upsets me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 3:20am
I also wanted to express what I mean by 'verbally abusive'. After my kids go to sleep, I have conversations with my husband on certain things. He ignores me, tells me I'm crazy if I want to talk about things, has very rarely wanted to have sex with me throughout our marriage and does not validate the things I do. This has become unbearable for me.
During the day, we walk about around eachother, basically not interacting too much except for things that need to be done. He DOES NOT verbally abuse me in front of the kids. He basically neglects me as a woman. This in itself is inexcusable and I don't want the kids to see this type of relationship.
But guys, give me credit for not allowing this to happen near the kids. The atmosphere of oppression and abuse are not at all indicative of our home. What I feel from him is neglect and yes oppression. But it is all about me. Many people unfortunately live this way and the kids NEVER, EVER have a clue. I have a friend who to all intents and purposes has an incredibly happy home. They have one smart, well-adjusted son. Only I and a few other close people in her life know that her husband also does not want to have sex with her and constantly verbally abuses her. But also only to her. She is in the process of leaving him.
So, I just wanted to clear it up. I need to feel free to post here, and vent, but I also need to make clear on how things are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 7:05am
smileylove...my response was in no way meant to imply that you aren't a good mother. I know you are. I thought I recalled a post from you earlier in which you stated that your husband was rough and crude with your children in the way he spoke to them and subtly belittling towards them and careless with their welfare that he needed parenting classes. Maybe that wasn't you.

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