Has anyone ever been in a Wom. Shelter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Has anyone ever been in a Wom. Shelter?
26
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:40pm
How were your experiences there?
I know that it is supposed to be for women who are fearful of staying in their own homes, but sometimes living with someone who is not physically but emotionally and verbally abusive can make it impossible to flourish in your own home. The counselour on the phone assured me that she thinks the situation I am in is the right one for coming in to the shelter.
I am afraid to go, afraid to expose my children to this. But my husband is making it impossible to stay. If you could tell me if some of you were there, how were your experiences?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 8:19am
No, you are right. I meant to say it to you and also as a general statement.
I feel that if I would have continued to stay here in the home, it would have felt oppressive, since we don't have effective communication between us. But I do feel that now that I am planning to leave, things will vastly improve.
I want him to have good communication with the girls and once we are no longer together, I can see this happening. What has spoiled things, I think has been such a bad chemistry between us.
I do think that once we leave, he will be a much better father.
I am in no way excusing anything here but just wanted to say that I have a great relationship with the girls and I think have effectively guiding them. And now, it has gotten to the point, that if I don't leave, it will have long-lasting affects on them. But up till now, that has not been the case. Just wanted to clear things up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 8:23am
To me, it doesn't sound like it has crossed the line into a domestic violence situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 8:29am
It's great that your not allowing this to happen near the children, but the fact is... is that they will sense that you are not being treated "right". They will assume that it's normal for daddy to be "quiet" to mommy. Get what i mean?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 8:30am
I just wanted to present another story, I did not go into a shelter. I decided to leave my ex husband, and I could have went into a shelter immediately(I called that's how I know), but I chose to make arrangements and two months later I moved out into my own house. My 8 month olds at the time adjusted in a few days, and my 10 yr old at the time adjusted in 1 year, and even before she adjusted she wasn't disobedient or violent just had issues with depression/anxiety.Every situation is different, and there are different solutions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 8:51am
I totally understand what you are saying. This is my third post to this discussion and my gut instinct is that you will be ok planning a move and moving directly into your new place and it will be less disruptive to your girls. But I don't know all the facts, but if they are exactly as you stated then I think either decision you make will be a good one for your kids. I have been to counseling for me and my older one at an abuse shelter(not living there just counseling). In my experience, they in a way they put everyone in the same box. Because of all the horrible things they have seen, it's like they expect all situations to be that bad. They just didn't seem to take into account that some situations and some people were at different levels and different levels of functioning. No they never outright told me what to do, but the underlying one size fits all solution was there. There was no flexibility, no taking into account individual needs and strengths. The way you have had to defend yourself on this board is the way I have had to defend myself in counseling. First they said I was making my daughter "parentified", because I was asking her to do to much with my twins, she's 11 and they are almost 2. I asked several friends, several co-workers, several neighbors, and several people at ivillage at the 10-11 yr old board, and they all had their kids do the same thing and more. In case you are wondering:she would get me diapers and wet wipes, pick out outfits for the them but not dress them,make bottles, wash bottles, wipe high chairs clean, throw out diapers and carry one baby from a parking lot to a building while I carried another, and very rarely stay home with them while they napped and I was gone for 1 hour(less than 5 minute drive from home with a cell phone she could reach me at.)I stood up for myself and they backed down. Then the next thing they suggested my daughter take medication. I took her to a psychologist and she said it wasn't impacting my daughter's eating, sleeping or other functioning and she didn't think it was needed. Then when I told them that counseling wasn't helping me and could just my daughter attend, they asked is I was being made to go to counseling by state child protection workers. No, and I wasn't allowed out of counseling. Then the final straw is when they said I put a bruise on my daughter's hand. They didn't report me immediately when they supposedly saw the bruise, no they reported it weeks later. But the one counselor saw the bruise, other counselors and a supervisor worked with her that day and no one saw a bruise, nor her teachers nor her doctor(she had a doctor appointment the next day). I did not bruise my daughter, I slapped her hand twice, and I do admit to spanking when other discipline fails, but this is rare, maybe 5-10 times in her whole life. Then 90% at least of the women there were not economically self sufficient, a sizable minority were there because they were forced into it as a requirement for getting their kids back or keeping them, the level of acting out among children I saw was outrageous, with 50% violent or severely disturbed(ex. a three year old who sat still for hours, sucking on a pacifier and holding a bottle, a four year old who pulled out so much of her hair she needed a crew cut, an 8 year old threatening suicide repeatedly).So they assume everyone is like that and treat you as such without taking time to look at you as a person. I think if you went into a shelter you may find yourself defending and explaining yourself. But I'm sure other people have had great experiences at shelters and counseling. That's just been my experience.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 8:55am
The problem is is that he is the controlling/manipulating/lying type to ME. Now, why would I want to expose myself to this any longer? Coupled with the lack of sex, I think I have had enough. I expect more from and of myself. And now, it will get to the point that it can have long-lasting effects on the kids. No way will I continue to live in this type of marriage. I have tried to work on this for 10 years. And in the last few years, was when I felt the full force of his neglect towards me. No, I am worth much more than this. Thank you though for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 8:57am
You are 100% right. That is why I am leaving now. Because mommies need to be treated much better than this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 9:09am
You are right. In New York, when we lived there, I never had any problem finding a job. But I'm now in a place, where to start off it is not as easy to get a job. I have been trying, but truthfully, my self-esteem is pretty low right now. I really do think I need to be in a better frame of mind and start fresh. Also is the fact, that summer vacation is coming up now and the kids will be home from school. No, I cannot take any more of his behavior towards me. After not getting a job from the interviews I have been on, it has made me a little wary of going on more interviews, I won't lie. I have some savings in the bank. Even if I will get the benefit of being away from him, which is something I desperately need, I can go to the shelter. While there, there are counseling sessions. I need a frame of mind that is in no way affected by him. I will do whatever it takes. I will go on more interviews and apply for subsidized housing. Also for medicaid till I get a job. One step, then another step. I have tried various ways of 'logically' explaining his behavior towards me. And I am tired. I know with all my heart that getting away from him is a step towards freedom. More than anything, I will convey to my children that there is never, ever any excuse for taking bad treatment from someone. Thank you for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 9:43am

Are you saying, that they don't encounter women that have suffered silently for years, and their kids are happy children? That is hard to believe. Maybe it isn't, because a lot of women like this probably either just get a divorce and/or go live with family members. I have no qualms for them to meet my kids, they will see for themselves. But I am glad that you posted this, because I am definitely going to try as hard as I can now to get a job quick, and to just apply for help if I need it. You have opened up my eyes. I wanted to take a tour of the shelter but it is prohibited. I know if I could just get one look, it would satisfy me. My story is of the good-hearted neglected wife who is crazy about her kids and has tried to do everything to keep the family together. How in the world can that ever be distorted? If that was the case then this is how it would go:
Just from people I know:
1) A good friend who is a very nice person but does not get along with her husband, she'd be in this category.
2) Another friend that I mentioned who has a happy home on the outside but her husband has intimacy problems and verbally abuses her when they are alone.
3) A friend who never got along with her husband, found out he was cheating on her, and then he left her.
4) A couple next door to me who both work long hours and I know have been fighting a lot and have gotten into some physical fights as well near their children.
5) A woman who has serious trust issues with her husband and although they manage to raise lovely children, without the help of her pastor, I think she would have left him a long time ago.
There is a a sliding scale of abuse in all of these relationships, is there not?

Not that I am comparing this in any way, but where do you find perfect people? Perfection to me is when two people love eachother, work on their problems and have good communication skills. That is as perfect as you can get. So, how can a mother who has had her self-esteem eroded from her husband (after trying to work on it for years), how can this situation be distorted? It makes no sense to me. But I know they most likely have the skills (for the most part) to see the difference, for G-Ds sake. It is almost like you are saying, you have been a part of an emotionally destructive relationship, and although you have functioned and have raised great kids, intact, and provided them with a loving home, you need to be punished. I am not saying you are saying that, but in effect that that is the way they look at things. I am going to do everything in my power to avoid this and just get a job quick! It is so sad that there are no 'transition' homes for women who are on the right track, and everything else is in place, to go from there to being on their own. So many things are just too black and white. Not enough greys...
Anyway, thanks for the well-needed advice! Please post back if you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 2:13pm
No I'm not saying there aren't happy well adjusted children they encounter. As I said previously, 50% of the children are violent and/or seriously disturbed, the other 50% are happy well adjusted children. I am saying that dealing with the disturbed 50% has made them burned out and has made them in a way treat everyone like they fell into that category. Again, that has been my experience. It may be that I just encountered a burned out group of people. I'm sure lots of women have had very positve experiences with DV counseling and shelters.I had no qualms for them to meet my kids either. I don't think anything really bad from them meeting your kids. But as I said, they want to put all kids in the severely messed up category and you may find yourself defending and explaining yourself like I did. Which is no big deal, you are a strong woman it sounds like, you can handle it if it happens.I don't specifically know how your situation can be distorted, but I can tell you how mine was distorted. I am a good mom, I was taking my older one to counseling twice a week(now once a week), the little ones to playgroup, other activities for my older one, left my abusive marriage, bought a nice house in a nice neighborhood with a good school a block away, clean my house every day, do laundry every day, keep my house well stocked up with food at all times, cook daily, birthday parties every year, kids friends over almost daily, slumber parties, outings,etc.I made a decision not to date at all til my twins are in kindergarden so I can focus on them and I have had two opportunities to with two different guys and my kids aren't even 2 and I turned them down to focus on my kids. I work part time and support my kids all by myself. Now how can anybody misinterpret that? Well they did, they twisted everything around on me, as you can see from my previous post. But like I say,nothing comes of it, just defend yourself and to heck with people who have nothing better to do than try to tear you down in the name of helping you. Exactly, you don't find perfect people. They don't get that,they just tried to find things wrong almost, like they didn't feel they were doing their job if they didn't. Not because they are trying to punish women, I believe they are sincerely trying to help, but they do have some definite issues I can't quite get a handle on. And I will say it yet again, this is just one person's negative experience. You may encounter absolutely nothing like this.