Have the tables turned?Am I the abuser?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Have the tables turned?Am I the abuser?
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 12:13pm
I had an experience this weekend that has shook me to the core. I am desperate for someone anyone to give me advice. A little background first on me to help you understand.
I was married young to a man who became very abusive in every possible way.One child later. We divorced.Than I remarried to my best friend, I no longer believed in love. It was sexless and verbally abusive marriage. When I figured out I could not live like this and that I did need love, I told him I wanted a divorce. Than the physical abuse started. Two kids and a divorce. I went to therapy and was doing great. The best I had ever felt in my life. I met a man, we dated. 3 years later we got married. He has since developed a serious drinking problem. He is very verbally abusive a little sexually abusive. Here is where I am so confused and lost:
He left to work firday morning and I did not see him until Saturday evening. I went to play poker . I walked in and he was there. He started screaming at me across the room telling me we couldn't afford for me to play, etc.. I was so humiliated. I play with men over 60. They kept asking me if they should call the cops. I said no, I got up grabbed his arm and walked him out. But once we got out I realized all were going to do is fight. So I let him get in front of me and turned around and walked back in and hid in the bathroom. I coudl hear him screaming for me. I came out when he was silent for awhile and went back to poker. I was shaking for almost an hour. I was so shook up.Apparently he left. Whewn he came back it was baby i love you blah blah blah I told him to leave me alone and he for the most part did.I left after poker and my girl friend and I went to a different bar. But I was nervous that he would come. BTW I am sober. So we got a ride from a man he thinks I slept with. ( I din't) to another bar. I now have one drink in me. We get to the other bar. My gf goes in and opens the door turns around tells me his is there, lets go. I said no, I am tired fo running scared. I didn't even get in the bar and he came out screaming at me calling me names telling me I came to f*c* the guy that gave us the ride there etc.. From here on out I have a sketchy memory, not from my one drink but I guess from rage.He had me trapped in the doorway, I turned around and pushed him hard, I continued to psuh him 10 feet to outside, we screamed back and forth and than I hit him with my purse. There are more details but that was the violence I did to him. More screaming and than I left. Long story short. My issue is, WHY couldn't I stand up for myself to my two ex husbands who did abuse me?? And now am I the abuser?????WHY did I snap. I have NEVER been violent in my life, not one time. What in the heck happened to me. Did I just snap and told myself I am not going to be abused anymore?? What happened to me what is happening to me. Am I turning into a monster??? Any advice helps anything because I do not understand my actions.Thanks