Haven't been here in a few weeks but back for more advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2001
Haven't been here in a few weeks but back for more advice
6
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 7:50pm

My friend is the abused and I am helping her throught her hard time right now. Her husband was convicted of domestis battery and he does have to do some time in jail, community service, pay a fine and six month of anger managment. She has decided to file for divorce. She is attending a weekly group in our area for women who have been abused. She is doing well and we have less and less days we spend crying and confused.She seems more empowered this week than I have ever seen her.I am excited for her and wha the future holds for her and her 3 wounderful kids.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

All she can do at this point is to make sure her that what ever claims were made against her are easily proven to be false. Sadly people use things like CPS is ways that go against what they were et up to do. CPS has to look into all calls they get. I moved to New York almost six years ago and have had to deal with them three times! But I thought when I left my ex husband I would live with CPS in my life till my youngest was 18 because my ex knew I was terrified of CPS. The first call was on Fathers day in 2006. The claim then was my children were screamed at all the time and had bruises all over them from daily beatings. The second call was made by me over some stuff I found out that I won't go into. The third call I am pretty sure was made by my ex babysitter. In all three cases I was found not guilty and the first and last time the calls were just to harass me and that was easily proved but


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2001

you are so right about it being funny that it is being mis used. He knows I used to work for CPS in another state. But I still have that backround. It has changed a bit since I was in it 14 years ago but I have told her what to expect and be prepared for. She is ready for it and she is going to face it head on. I just find it awful that this system can be so misused and taken from children who so desperatley need it and rescued from there homes. It also amazes me that he expected $3000 to last her 3 months. That was to go towards feeding the kids, paying all bills (power, gas, water, etc..) house payment , gas for the car, and anything else they might have needed. And he was pissed that she

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

He thinks she can support his kids on $12,000 per year?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
First, with the history of domestic violence - if evidence was presented in court or to anyone with the state that any of the battery was in front of the children, CPS would have been automatically called, especially once the 'no contact' was lifted.

Second, in lifting a 'no contact' or TRO/TPO or in signing a divorce decree that is stamped with "No family violence," you are denying all previous charges. Which means that they can no longer use anything before the date the latest "lifting" or "signature" to construct a pattern of violence. You can only get one with a pattern of violence and reasonable suspicion to believe you are imminently in danger.

Third, child support is not meant to support the whole family. It is generally between 20-30% of the net income per month. My ex-husband was livid over the amount he's required to pay, and thought $50/mo was reasonable. She needs to get some supplemental income (job/SSI/welfare) asap.

Also, with CPS - I know you've worked for them, but they are still a tricky bunch. Sometimes they do the exact opposite that is expected. If she has a mental illness, as you said, she needs to show that she has sought effective treatment and is high-functioning. Everything needs to be clean and food needs to be in the kitchen. It would be good if she was actively enrolled in a domestic violence program and had proof of that at the time of the visit.

For most states, it is extremely difficult to restrict visitation from a biological parent. She needs to get a temporary order in place asap that will outline visitation schedule and child support.
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

Where is the lawyer that has filed for custody and support? Tell your friend to work with the local DV agency to guide her through temporary custody/support orders. All I can say is he probably is very angry right now..Let me tell you the other side of the story. When a man is arrested for domestic abuse, his records are permanent and it can affect his job and permanent criminal record if convicted. Essentially his whole life is screwed. And in all probability he deserves it. But what I am saying is don't expect him to shell out money, he is probably angry, had to hire lawyers and all that. In fact, not to minimize abuse, but one lawyer actually told me that if the man is well paid and you expect him to pay SS and CS then putting him in jail isn't going to do any good. Unless of course, if he threatens you or puts a gun on you or physically harms you..of course then who cares about money?

I guess what I am saying is and I think I will get a lot of heat in this board, there are DV agencies that are like - call 911 if he is screaming and yelling and guess in some cases it is justified but in other case, it is better to take off, file for divorce, ask for custody and ask for him to go counseling.

Anyway..not knowing your friends story, dont know what the circumstance where. All I can say is he is not going to be cooperative..he just probably paid $1000s on bail and attorneys..and potentially 1000s more on class and fine..so he is not going to pay up easy..I just hope he makes a ton of money to pay her SS and CS.
I agree with chipper on the TPO..forget that..get a lawyer ..and get custody/support filed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2001

Like I said She did life the no contact order. However, jus a few weeks ago she awoke in the morning to him standing over her in the bedroom over the bed where the last assault took place.He didn't do anything and grant it he still does have a key to the house bit was never ordered to give it to her. He said he wanted to talk. It scared her. She kicked him out of the house and called the sheriffs. One that arrested him the night of the last assault showed up and another one that showed up a few weeks later because husband was trying to claim she kidnapped one of the kids was also on scene that day. They told her on this second round with her to go back and get a TPO. When the judge said no she went back to these 2 sheriffs and asked them than what to do. They decided to help her to appeal it and go with her beofre the judge and it still did not help. To be very honest I belive very few law enforcment in our county know the laws and are capable of enforcing them. But like I said in this state we have a law that says if there