Haven't Posted In Awhile....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Haven't Posted In Awhile....
4
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 8:44am
I haven't posted in awhile - things had been going good, but now DH didn't get a promotion he wanted - and is making his family pay for it/taking it out on everybody. He is a supervisor with the state, wanted to be a Branch Manager. A new Director came in - he's going to put his "own people" in the jobs...I can understand his disappointment, but he's taking it really badly and is going to ruin our holidays because of it - I am trying to be as patient as I can. We have a 4 year old daughter together - I wanted her holidays to be great - he's acting like an Old Scrooge and all of the sudden "we can't afford that" "I'm going to spend the least amount of time I can at my parents at Thanksgiving because my brother and his family will be there..." etc. oh yes and "I don't want anything but sweatshirts and binoculars at Christmas"....Be sure to tell me if I'm being the jerk about this - but I warned him not to start doing a job until you see it on your paycheck - he went on and did it anyway, and now he's been burnt and I'm the one to blame??! I'm sorry I'm not responsible for his career - and I told him he's got a good job anyway. I'm just blowing steam - I don't have anybody I can really talk to about this - He will be better after he settles down, but getting him there is a real pain! Thanks for listening - I just hope this isn't the true end to our marriage - that's not fair. Another thing - he makes me feel guilty I'm making almost $30,000 a year more than him - that's not my fault either, and I try to never mention it - it really shouldn't matter who makes the money -
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 1:21pm

I am so sorry that no one responded to your message. I know how terrible it feels to need someone to be there and have no one respond - sets off all those old painful messsages.

I am sorry that your H is so upset about not getting a promotion and even sorrier that he is making you suffer for it. I know what it feels like for your so to ruin the holidays - mine has done that for the last several years - it never feels like the holidays - he is too sad or too depressed or has too little money - it drains any happiness or joy away. I wish I knew what to tell you to do about it. I have suffered through enough of this (and many other things) that I am leaving. I am not telling you that this is the answer, but it has become the only answer left to me.

I also understand being made to feel guilty about money. He makes more than me but has less due to child support that he needs to pay. I have felt so guilty about his not having enough money that I have found myself paying for almost anything. And let me tell you it hurts to pay for everything and still be found not good enough. You have no reason to feel guilty for what you make. This does not make you an undeserving person. He should be grateful that you are there and not treat you badly.

I know what you mean about talking him into being OK. But please remember what this does to you. I know that life feels easier when they are settled and reasonably happy. But it is exhausting and draining to do. Would he do the same for you? I have had to ask myself that and the answer I did not want to see but that was staring me in the face was no.

I hope that this is not coming across negatively. I am about to leave my so today and I am sure that some of my feelings are spilling over - even though I am trying not to do that.

The most important thing I can say is what I have been told again and again. Remember yourself. Remember that you are a person of value. Remember that you deserve love and happiness.

I am sorry that when you posted you did not get a response right away. I hope that you will post again and find the support you need.

Demeter

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 2:35pm

No, it shouldn't matter who makes the money, and that's really not what's bothering him.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:27pm

I'm too tired to take my hat off Gonna, sorry lol


Chic, please understand that sometimes we cant respond fast enough.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 9:28am

Thank you all you're such God Sends....Yes, I have called the DV 1 800 hotline many times, and some on him - things had been going so well I hadn't had to call it for a long time. I had to call it on my ex who I stuck with 23 years - in the end, he threatened to kill me - so I guess what the one good counselor in tons of years that I found who said my ex had severe emotional troubles was right....no reasonable person would have gone to such depths....This one's ok as long as things are going his way - which isn't always the case - and he is being such a BABY about not getting this job.!! He has, however, put in for another Branch Manager job, so at least he is making some effort to get himself over it - I do feel sorry for him, but there's not a person in state government who hasn't had what's happened to him done at least once, if not twice....

To the lady who posted who had to leave yesterday - that's so awful I'm so sorry you're having to do that right before the holidays, but maybe it will at least salvage some of it for you...I'll be thinking of you. Cindy