Having a hard time today...
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| Fri, 08-20-2004 - 2:17am |
He asked how I was feeling and I told him, then I got scared. Let me give you some background on me and ask you all a question. I am in my early 30's and my soon to be ex H was the one and only serious man in my life. I married young, he was the one and only one I was ever with. I dated him since the age of 17 and he was all I ever knew.
I grew up in an amazing family and I am still trying to figure out how I got hooked up in an abuse situation because I came from such stability, the kind that is very rare to find. I was always a good just of character and I had a very positive outlook on life...I loved it!! Anything was possible!! I was independant and always had a good head on my shoulders. I believed in love and knew it was possible because I grew up all around it. The only thing I can come up with as to how I got so mixed up is that I was always a "recuer". I would do anything for anyone and if anyone needed help I was there to pick up the pieces.
That being said, here is my question...
My psychologist asked me today to think about what I wanted in a relationship in the future. Then I got really scared!! I scared myself even. I always looked at those people who seemed jaded and felt bad for them because they were so lost. All I could tell the "shrink" was that I didn't think I really wanted to marry again and that the thought of it terrified me?? I never got to "really" love someone the way I needed to. I never got loved the way I wanted. Now I don't want it because I'm really truely scared it doesn't exist!? I am wondering if any of you have felt this way?? Here is another thought that scared me even more. I don't want to be alone forever, marraige again scares me at this point and I can't imagine myself being some kind of female version of a commitment phobic playboy. I don't know where I'm going to fit in.
Any thoughts or experience with these feelings?? I just scared myself with these thoughts and feelings today. Want to know what you think.
Thanks,
katlc

All the feelings you are feeling now are totally natural. When Wendell and I split I felt the same way. After 27 years of marriage, there was no way I could possibly find someone or did I want to? I thought being alone now couldn't be that bad...or could it? Buff is a good one on this subject. You will have many opportunities for relationships in the upcoming years, but it's important to make sure you are okay first with yourself. Everything else will slide into place. You spent these past years giving to everyone, but not giving to yourself. I met Wendell when I was 19, so can you imagine this 50 year old hitting the streets? I was terrified to even go out. In fact, I never went anywhere but the mandatory places for the first 5 months. My dating experience was that of a 19 year old. I use to worry about having a relationship and finding someone who will love me for me. The big secret here is you have to love and accept who you are before you can even imagine starting any type of serious relationship that will be worthwhile. This process takes time. So be good to yourself first and worry about finding someone who will love you later.
My counselor started doing the same thing. Talking to me about future relationships before this one was finalized. You have to have closure with you H before you can possibly consider opening your heart to someone else.
Go slow...it will be worth it.
Terry
I was really scared that I might actually become one of those bitter sad people just because of what I have been through. It's so good to know that it's normal to think that way and that I might change my mind someday. It's just really scary to throw our lives up in the air with the kind of manipulation that we have all been through and try to trust where all our lives will land.
On the other hand...it's a whole new life and a completely new slate. I can see the freedom and that pulls me through....that and my two kids. :o)
Thanks for the advice...I knew you would understand!!
katlc