Having problem w/no contact
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Having problem w/no contact
| Tue, 04-25-2006 - 7:29am |
He called Sunday nite really late drunk. He never drinks and called saying he was out I told him I was sleeping. He called me in the morning to tell me that another girl he talked to about our relationship said that if I really loved him and he told me not to drink I would do it. But he can do it the nite before right. This girl also said that I keep bringing up the past (he did not say of course what he did to me) because I am wrong in the present. How is going out with some friends and having a drink so wrong? What is that suppose to mean. I am pretty sure that this girl has no idea that he was slamming my head into the car door, choking me, grabbing me, punching me, slapping me, breaking me property, etc and this was not the past but a week ago. He says that I was wrong because if I loved him I would not have taken my behind to the bar. WHen I said first do you remember what you did to me a week ago he said that we were past that and if I was so upset and stuck on that I would not have talked to him this past week. Is he right? I mean I did not want to talk to him and didnot for a couple days but he kept calling and I guess I was weak. He said he was sorry and finally got it about what it does to me but now it is back to the I am wrong for going out with friends and drinking and he has totally forgotten about him hurting me. Why do I keep taking his calls and calling him back. I mean what the h*** is wrong with me. I am a glutone for punishment. I felt like such crap about myself all day yesterday because he kept calling me but kept saying that he was with other girls, he is not my boyfriend, can do what he wants, I dont really care about him because another girl said it (I would have not drank if I loved him), my roomate would not still be there, yada yada. I made a mistake of telling him of a fight I had with my roomate and thought he was half normal and would be supportive and listen to me but no. He just threw it in my face saying was I supportive when he was crying over me being at a bar(it wasnt really a bar but restaurant and show for bachlorette party) and he loves me so much that he left his sick moms house to see if I was home and he stood in the rain thinking I got in a car accident. (I never told him to do anything) Then he threws it in my face that he does not want me anymore and that he cant handle it. It is like a yoyo. One second he is telling me he wants nothing to do with me and making me feel like complete utter crap about myself and I on the otherhand I am begging him to talk to me and to give us a shot. Then When I come back to reality and realize that I really dont think he is worth it and I deserve so much better he starts with the I love you honey and why cant you just respect me and make us a family crap. It is a big roller coaster ride. I have been pretty good about not seeing him but the phone calls are driving me crazy if it isnt me calling him it is him calling me. How do you get by the urge to answer the phone? Because everytime I do say that I am done and dont deserve this crap and him abusing me is wrong and I wont take it I get sucked back into feeling like I am wrong and I am apologizing and begging him to forgive me for something that I did not even think was wrong at the begining of the conversation. I mean I sounded like a complete fool yesterday and thought so badly of myself when I talked to him. When he called me back later on last nite I thought about things and told him that I have no idea why I listen to a word out of his mouth. I said I feel like utter sh** everytime and I sound like a moron begging him to talk to me when he was strangling me and grabbing my face just a week ago. Help...

I can totally relate to your post. Abusers lie and make excuses. If I talked about something he did to me the day before, then he said I was bringing up the past. BUT if he talked about something I supposedly did to him over a year ago, it was legitamate. Abusers are LIARS and MANIPULATORS. That's why NO CONTACT is important. No one is so strong that we can listen to his crap and not begin to feel bad. I used to think that if I was strong enough, I could talk to him or listen to him and not be effected. Well, wrong. And then I began to believe I don't owe him anything. He will say the same BS over and over again. Year after year, his BS never changed. He never forgave me for any little offense or wrong word, and yet I could bring up something that happened just two seconds prior and he would accuse me of living in the past or having unforgiveness. Abusers are accusers. They will never understand someones else's point of view.
Finally, I told myself I didn't owe him anything (as someone put it, I didn't have to listen to his crocodile tears). Finally, I told myself I didn't need his approval or understanding. I didn't need him to admit what he did to me. I could just simply ignore him. Forgive him and ignore him. I pray for his healing, but choose not to have any contact with him.
I stopped answering calls that I didn't recognize the number. Then I finally, got the strength to HANG UP at the sound of his voice. I no longer need to hear what he has to say. I feel free. Praise Jesus!!
You know what he's going to say. It will be one tactic or another to make you feel small so he can maintain control over you. Don't answer the phone. Don't call him. Buy a good self-healing book and read it whenever you feel like talking to him. Get on here and post or answer posts when you feel like calling him. Find a friend or accountability partner you can call to vent frustrations. But DO NOT call him or answer his calls. Focus on your healing. And the only way to do that is by NO CONTACT. Take it from someone who's been there.
Love,
Loonybunny
First of all, who is this "girl" and what does she know about you & your life? I wouldn't give a rats behind what SHE thought,if she even exists.He may just be playing another mind game.
I know that it's hard to stop talking to him altogether, but believe me it truly is in your best interest to follow the NO CONTACT advice.Abusers work by manipulating you..if he cant talk to you, he cant manipulate you.Follow me?
If he's such a great guy & you're such a "terrible" person, then why doesnt he just move on?? Because he know's that HE'S the bad guy.It's all a game with them.Once you've stopped having contact,and your mind clears you will see things from a whole different perspective.
Serenity