He Apologized
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| Wed, 05-11-2005 - 8:56am |
Sunday at his visitation he asked if I would help handle the baby again so he could still see him even though he still has very limited use of his arm from the cancer surgery.
The first thing out of his mouth was "I am sorry for how I behaved last week to you. You didn't have to help me with the baby so that I could still see him and I behaved badly to you. I am also sorry for all the things that I did over the last 7 mths. The truth of the matter is that I miss you and the baby very much." I replied that I know from the last go round with the cancer that that will make him act irrational and if I had known he found a lump my actions would have taken a different direction. He replied that even with that it does not excuse his actions and that no one was to blame it was all him and his behavior. He then asked me to help him understand why I felt the way I did and why I felt that I needed to do what I did.(He has not asked me in years how I felt about anything) I told him that I didn't feel important to him anymore and that everything else seemed more important to him than our marriage and family. He didn't seem like he wanted to be in the relationship any longer and that when I tried to talk with him he just shut me out. I also again stated that the final nail was the weekend he took some of my paycheck and went to a strip bar to "shot pool and drink a beer" while I was 8 mths pregnant. That was the only place he knew I was adament he not go into. He said he felt like a failure when all this was going on that I would not move in completely and didn't trust him to take care of anything.
I honestly felt like it was the first time that man I married was there in two years. I wish we could have had this talk months ago before the hair grabbing and threats. I told him that I will give him that the night he first threatened to kill me that he was angry and said something he knows was stupid and inappropriate. But the second and third time, he chose to do that. He heard I had a boyfriend and went out every Saturday night, and I replied that neither was true and he was the one with the girlfriend. He said that she is merely a place to live and I replied that I am not stupid and know they sleep in the same bed and she would not allow him to continue living there if nothing physical ever happened.
He asked how much of all this was my decision and how much was me listening to my mom. I reiterated again that this was all me and my decisions for our family. He also doesn't understand why I went to the local DV shelter for help as he never hit me. I tried to explain they do more than just put you up for the night when your husband beats you.
He asked if there was anything he could do to get us back together as if we divorce completely he says he doesn't want to get married again, unless it's back to me.
I am not sure if I want him back. He still has some tense areas on like the fact that I go out some with girlfriends and I was honest that I have been on a couple of dates, but no one consistant. I think this was a good thing though and he has only apologized with sincerity 4 times in 8 years so I am fairly sure he meant it.
So whatdaya think?
J

I know the board CLs will have more to say and they'll more than likely say it better than I will. But I wanted to say something while I was here.
We will support you no matter what you do.
With that said, I wouldn't really count on your H's behavior to stay that way. It might seem like you've seen a glimpse of the man you married and you have a hope that everything will be OK if you stay married. What I would do (and have done) is mark on a calender (a calender JUST for this purpose) the letter "A" for apologized on the date he apologized.
Mark down as much of his behavior toward you per day as you can. Write down the code to the abbreviations.
Watch his cycle/patterns emerge.
R~
I figure for now I will just take a wait and see attitude. If he is truely interested in us as a family, he will show it and act it. For now, talking to him after so long is just nice as with the no contact order on his probation. We have not even talked about the baby at all. It's nice to be able to at least share that with him.
He signed off on sole custody and all is done for our divorce anyway, except the final decree which can't be done until after Aug.(MD has a 1 year waiting period for a divorce). I explained to him Sunday that signing that doesn't mean I will not tell him what is going on with the baby. It just gives me the ability to make medical decisions if I have too in a hurry without having to track him down and it also says he agrees the baby is his so that if something happens to him the baby will automatically get his social security benefits as his son.
Until then I plan to continue as I have been and go out when I want to. Do the things I like and continue talking during the 1 hour visits with him since his arm is out of commission and he won't be able to start therapy for awhile.
-J
hair grabbing
threats
threatened to kill me
These three things spell only one thing:
THE END.
If it were me, I would NEVER give him even so much as an opportunity for a repeat performance.
Just my two pesos....
Heymum