He Believes He's Better Off?
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He Believes He's Better Off?
| Fri, 02-20-2004 - 3:30am |
Hello Everyone, just wanted to get a little more clarity on an issue that's been hurting me for some time. I was in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for 6 months. We have now been broken up for 7 months. What still affects me though is that he thinks that I caused all the bullsh*t. He honestly believes that he will never go back to that. Now I'm questioning if I really did play a part in him treating me the way he did? In the beginning he was different, he was thoughtful, talkative and genuinely expressed to me how much he wanted me to be with him all the time.
After 2 months or so though, incidents started to occur. Rolling his eyes, telling me to "shut it", being unaffectionate, taking my words and twisting them around, questioning where I had been, checking my cell phone, gloating about some of the girls he had had sex with in the past, telling me stories about his ex gf, (who was also the mother of his child), lying about his social plans, comparing me to his friend's gf's, taking me for granted, accusing me of starting arguments over the simplest of questions, belittling me, rarely admitting he was wrong and he rarely complimented me. He once told me I was the most negative person he's ever met?!! WHAT?! Some of the greatest moments with him have been tainted by these kinds of words and actions that seemed to come out of nowhere.
The thing is....after numerous break ups, he would always write me a letter or call explaining how much of an "idiot" he was and that he knew he had to give me more in this relationship. He saw all the things I meant to him but, that only happened when I walked out. Did he just like the chase? It was an endless cycle, he'd do something insensitive, I'd get upset, a few days would pass without each other and then he'd contact me promising to change. I never gave up on him cause I believed in him so much. He never understood though why he was the one who had to make up for the things he did. Like I was the one who was supposed to come back to him after he'd done something wrong? Our last "talk" face to face ultimately ended up being about all the things that I did wrong in the relationship. That he was the one who had to walk on eggshells. WHAT?? He asked me to be friends and I said I couldn't. I committed myself to the No Contact rule. He however was committed to driving/walking by my house and checking the whereabouts of my car. Months passed and I heard he had been arrested for something that was completely immature and induced by his endless drinking. I contacted him to make sure he was OK and told him that if he needed any help/support, I would be there for him. He seemed distant and to the point. I gave up hope that he would eventually come around and see what he had lost. So, I moved thousands of miles away. He called a few times, insisting that he didn't know that I had left (which he did). I told him that I couldn't do the "friends" thing and not to call anymore. He still called and I ignored him. One night however, I gave in. Only to be told that the relationship "really wasn't that good anyways" and that he was now talking/fooling around with a girl that was the "most depressing person he's ever met". Is this guy for real???? He told me how I had broken his heart and that if I had stayed, we probably would have worked things out. He also said that he never wanted to break up. WHAT?? Did he not ask me to be friends the night he ended our relationship? What did he think those words meant? Was he not living in the same world I was? Needless to say, I didn't sleep that night and the next day, left work early because I couldn't contain my tears. I left him a message to the effect that either he loved me, missed me and wanted me to come home or otherwise, he'd have to leave me alone. That I was tired of playing these games cause my heart couldn't take it anymore. He never called. The following week I disconnected my phone and attempted to put it all behind me.
It's been 3 months since that message and I have recently come back home. There have been moments where he could have contacted me and actually spoken with me face to face but he instead, just kept on going.
I guess my questons is...does the abuser ever see the real person their partner truly was? Or do they always stick to their own projections/illusions? How could all the loving things I said and did be lost on him? He said I made him a better person. Didn't that count for something? Does he think that I'm just like every other girl? How can I be a joke to him now? Why am I the one questioning why he couldn't see "it" in me?
After 2 months or so though, incidents started to occur. Rolling his eyes, telling me to "shut it", being unaffectionate, taking my words and twisting them around, questioning where I had been, checking my cell phone, gloating about some of the girls he had had sex with in the past, telling me stories about his ex gf, (who was also the mother of his child), lying about his social plans, comparing me to his friend's gf's, taking me for granted, accusing me of starting arguments over the simplest of questions, belittling me, rarely admitting he was wrong and he rarely complimented me. He once told me I was the most negative person he's ever met?!! WHAT?! Some of the greatest moments with him have been tainted by these kinds of words and actions that seemed to come out of nowhere.
The thing is....after numerous break ups, he would always write me a letter or call explaining how much of an "idiot" he was and that he knew he had to give me more in this relationship. He saw all the things I meant to him but, that only happened when I walked out. Did he just like the chase? It was an endless cycle, he'd do something insensitive, I'd get upset, a few days would pass without each other and then he'd contact me promising to change. I never gave up on him cause I believed in him so much. He never understood though why he was the one who had to make up for the things he did. Like I was the one who was supposed to come back to him after he'd done something wrong? Our last "talk" face to face ultimately ended up being about all the things that I did wrong in the relationship. That he was the one who had to walk on eggshells. WHAT?? He asked me to be friends and I said I couldn't. I committed myself to the No Contact rule. He however was committed to driving/walking by my house and checking the whereabouts of my car. Months passed and I heard he had been arrested for something that was completely immature and induced by his endless drinking. I contacted him to make sure he was OK and told him that if he needed any help/support, I would be there for him. He seemed distant and to the point. I gave up hope that he would eventually come around and see what he had lost. So, I moved thousands of miles away. He called a few times, insisting that he didn't know that I had left (which he did). I told him that I couldn't do the "friends" thing and not to call anymore. He still called and I ignored him. One night however, I gave in. Only to be told that the relationship "really wasn't that good anyways" and that he was now talking/fooling around with a girl that was the "most depressing person he's ever met". Is this guy for real???? He told me how I had broken his heart and that if I had stayed, we probably would have worked things out. He also said that he never wanted to break up. WHAT?? Did he not ask me to be friends the night he ended our relationship? What did he think those words meant? Was he not living in the same world I was? Needless to say, I didn't sleep that night and the next day, left work early because I couldn't contain my tears. I left him a message to the effect that either he loved me, missed me and wanted me to come home or otherwise, he'd have to leave me alone. That I was tired of playing these games cause my heart couldn't take it anymore. He never called. The following week I disconnected my phone and attempted to put it all behind me.
It's been 3 months since that message and I have recently come back home. There have been moments where he could have contacted me and actually spoken with me face to face but he instead, just kept on going.
I guess my questons is...does the abuser ever see the real person their partner truly was? Or do they always stick to their own projections/illusions? How could all the loving things I said and did be lost on him? He said I made him a better person. Didn't that count for something? Does he think that I'm just like every other girl? How can I be a joke to him now? Why am I the one questioning why he couldn't see "it" in me?
I appreciate any insight :)

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You did absolutely the right thing by breaking this off and you didn't cause him to mistreat you. He will never be better off, but you definitely will be. I know it's hard when you really tried. He will never see himself as a bad person. Anything that happens wrong will be blamed on you. The loving things you did were expected, not appreciated. Don't beat yourself up over this loser. You made a wise decision early, something many of us on this board couldn't do. So, smile and realize how lucky you are to be free of him.
Terry
What do you tell yourself when your abuser leaves you? I tried so hard and gave all that I had. I was always supportive, always listened and still that wasn't enough to let me in. I feel like I'm just like the rest of the girls he's been with....all idiots, all crazy, all meaningless. He's really good at reducing the positive and good things about a person and casting his own reflection. I am certain that I don't even hold a place in his heart anymore or a thought in his head. I used to be his everything, his future, his dreams but now, I'm just a nightmare to him and that kills me inside.
I've never felt pain like this and I don't know what to tell myself anymore.
Thoughts?
Hi there hopeful --
Sadly, statistics show that less than 1% of abusers ever change, and that is with directed, intense therapy designed for abusers, so odds are he hasn't and he's saying this to get you to start doubting yourself and come back.
CL-Blueliner4
Nothing makes sense anymore. This constant back and forth "He said this but, then again, he did that". I'm the "most negative person he's ever met in his life" but yet, he wanted me as a "staple" and "always wanted me there for him". "The relationship was never that good anyways" but, "I was the only person he truly let into his heart". "I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you" and yet he watched me drive 3000 miles away. Isn't love worth more than pride? Isn't it something you work at to keep?
I've been stripped to nothing, tears are coming now as I write this. I hurt so much and can't see it improving. Like I said, I cry almost everyday. The worst is that he has no idea what his words did to me. I have always been strong but since being with him, I'm the weakest person and I'm ashamed and mad at myself. My friends don't even know who I am anymore and I can't bare being around them cause they see how messed up I am.
I want to stop crying, I want to feel happy again, I want to smile and mean it, I want to laugh without feeling empty once it's stopped.
Thank you for listening cause I've prayed to no end and even He's got no answers.
The short answer to your question is no.
No, he doesn't see it because abusers are very egocentric and cannot see how their behavior is affecting others.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi there.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
I did disconnect my home though and I did get a new cell phone. Three months ago was our last contact. That was when I left him that message about leaving me alone if he didn't love me anymore. He's not trying to get back into my life. He has made no attempt since then except to walk by my house a few times enroute to his destination, completely innocent I'm sure. He didn't stop to talk and I actually think that he thought that I was waiting for him. I felt like such a fool to think that I was. I'm a joke.
I have moved back to our home town just weeks ago and I really don't think he knows I'm back. Although I think he has seen me and I have this weird feeling that the car that's pulled in my buildings parking lot twice was that of his friend. Checking up? I don't know. My friend saw him about 2 weeks ago and told me that he's still drinking his face off and that he's gained quite a bit of weight...must be all the beer. She said that he just stared at her and that it seemed like he wanted to say "hi". As if he's completely over me and just wanted to make ammends? He hates being seen as "the bad guy" and having people hate him.
I can't turn back now, I know that. I can't contact him eventhough it seems that sometimes that could be the only answer to my pain. It could also lead to even more pain if he treats me like an intrusion or tells me that he is seeing someone else. Do I take that chance and make myself even more of a joke? All I know is that I'm miserable most of the time and the tears are neverending.
What do I tell myself on the inside so that I don't cave? :)
I don't know what to tell you for the inside, but I think you may benefit from some counseling.
CL-Blueliner4
There is something inside of you called strength, maybe not alot but enough for now to get by. Use it. You will hurt for quite a while, but take each day as it comes, review your day and check out exactly what you might have been missing. Okay, this is silly, but it just came to me. Pretend he is an alligator and wants to eat you...are you going to let him? I don't think so. What do you do? You find ways not to get eaten amd when you feel him nibbling just come here.
I have strength, it's gotten me this far. I just feel like it's running out. Everyone/everything around me is moving/changing and I still feel unaffected by it. When is it my turn to feel the effects? When will I not have to rely on my strength to get me through the day? I've been waiting for so long for that day to come.
His life has changed, he's getting through the day, he's having the time of his life. When does karma come into play? When do the tables turn?
I've been thinking that perhaps, the moment I truly let go of all of this is the moment that he will bare the burden. Maybe when you let it go, things come to you?
Just a thought....thanks again everyone!
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