Is he controlling, emotionally abusive..
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Is he controlling, emotionally abusive..
| Mon, 06-14-2004 - 10:36am |
Or both?? I am confused as to whether I am in an abusive relationship. Please read my post #5 on the thread "I wonder how common this is". I am reading some articles on this websit and while I KNOW I am not physcially abused I am wondering if in my situation I have an insecure low self esteem (narcisist?) H who is just trying to control me.
He doesn't call me names but has manipulated me emotionally all the time I have known him so he could keep me with him. There have been times when he will get into a "discussion" with me and it just doesn't make sense yet he will keep badgering me until I am in tears.
Read my post and let me know what those of you in the know think!
thank you
dd

Hi Deedee and welcome -
I did read your post below and if you think you're in an abusive relationship, you probably are.
I'm including a link to a thread down in our OT section.
CL-Blueliner4
#25 - this is how we moved so much, and how he got away with buying the motorcycle w/o my agreeing to the purchase. He deserved a toy if we weren't going to move back to Fl., he had to have some fun...this a week after he told me he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore then changed his mind. Never apologized just said somethings were said that shouldn't have been said.
46 - I try to explain things to him but it doesn't get through and he keeps harping on the same subject asking the same questions
79 - Self imposed?
80 - Usually during a "discussion" which always seems one sided. I explain something to him but it is like I never said it.
89 - Has been a problem since we had a serious discussion about all this in Dec., he is always checking my dirty laundry and looking through my things to try to find something.
92 - Whe he had to do something like take someone to practice or just do something that didnt' benefit HIM he sulks
93 - I pay the bills,, balance (or try to ) the checkbook, take care of the taxes, have bought negotiated and sold homes, took care of refinancing, and anything else besides going to work (sorry I've done that too,just don't make toooo much money) and cutting the grass. I have also been like a single parent, worrying and getting involved with the kids school work/homework/parent teacher conf., ect. He would sit home while I went alone to open houses as well.
95 He kept discouraging me from going back to college... would get into a fuss over what would I do with a degree...how much money would i make? Did I EVEN have a clue???
Hope I didn't get 93 and 95 mixed up. So he isn't physically violent, not really even verbally violent, just emotionally controlling and he can't seem to stop. I know he loves me very much he does little things for me and I clean up on Mothers day b/d and Christmas...maybe he feels guilty and knows what he has been doing to me and wants to "make up " for it by being attentive? I don't know I told him he should get counseling and see why he has never bonded with anyone. he has no friends and we just don't connect in an intimate way. We talked about the intimacy thing before but I clamed up because he started making it out like it was all me and my fault. He is always the victim!
So would you say I am even mildly abused here? I'm getting fed up because I am not sure what our problem is
thanks
dd
(Holy schnikes, this got long!)
Let's look at some of the answers and try and go further past the what:
1) (#25)
CL-Blueliner4
Ok, I went down to the post you mentioned. I'd like to introduce myself to you. I have been married for 24 years to a man that I have only in the last couple of years and with huge thanks to this board have come to realize is emotionally abusive, very controlling and manipulative. You described my husband. Although, I have to say, he was never confident and outgoing. I saw SO much potential in this man. He is very capable and intelligent, he is too afraid to use it. He has played the "poor me" routine since day one to use my compassion and empathy against me. You see, I CAN make him feel good. Why? Because I protect him, I "hide" him, I don't say anything bad about him and I won't listen to anyone say anything bad about him. I agree with him, I commisurate (is that how you spell that?) with him. You know the old saying, misery loves company, well he is miseable and now I am too so you see - he is "happy" - well, as long as I'm here, being doing and acting in the manner that makes him and keeps him comfortable.
He has NEVER called me a bad name, a horrible name, he doesn't come right out and call me fat or ugly, he has never even seemingly wanted to hurt me physically. He doesn't throw things. He loves the animals, although they are an annoyance, as are his children, we have 3.
Anyone who manipulates you, controls you, keeps you back - does not have a realistic view of love. They believe they love you because they are afraid to be without you. So they keep you. Where they are comfortable and if that smothers you along the way - well too bad for you - because they must be comfortable.
This is what it sounded like you described in your husband. As long as you are there, he is comfortable and content, let you gain any sense of independence, he gets scared and has to knock you down somehow to keep you where HE is comfortable. With no concern for you.
Keep reading DD - learn all you can. It has taken me over 2 years to get to this point. I am still with him. But give me the "right" time and I will be gone. I am officailly done. Without having said anything to him, I believe he has a clue. But there is no point in talking with him about it. Then I would be trying to control him. And I don't want to do that, I only want for him to be happy with himself because then and only then will he be happy with someone else. Unfortunately, I'm tired of trying to help him. He has to help himself, and I have to help myself. And I am.
SO hang in there girl, if it feels like abuse - it probably is.
Hugs,
Ples
He even launched into one of those I can't win convos one night after we had a great day at one of the theme parks because I allowed my teen son to go over his bf 's house (his dad happens to be a vp in our co.) because he thinks that I have changed since I started working there and I want to kiss up to the boss. The convo got to the point where he asked me if I were IN LOVE with him...I lied and said Yes. He got up and went into the bedroom and came out with a suitcase. I had to talk him into staying...he said he was hoping I would come out and do just that. We made up and all was good, but he is like a rollercoaster ride since our conversation in Dec. He said he just cares more, I think he is afraid of losing me andis insecure.
He is insecure about me making more money....extremely insecure. I have decided I can't let him keep me from being financially independent of him. I am going to stop keeping myself back to just keep the peace. If he has a problem with it then it will come to a head and I will be gone. I have too much resentment from what I have experienced with this man that I can't deal with it anymore.
I 'm tired of it all and I have to live my life for me too
thank you again, and I will stick around
:)
dd
The thing about being suspicious of me with another man cam about because found something in my purse that would be very incriminating but it was an innocent joke from an old friend (I hadn't used the purse in a long time) but he didn't totally buy it. So now every now and then he says he thinks about it and it drives him nuts. I know though that he roots through my drawers and even clothes I left on the bathroom floor the night before on a daily basis.
It is scarey how he reminds you of your x. This post was like a shining light on what I have been suspecting. All these years I told myself things were normal in my marriage but it was me that had a problem. I married him and it was my fault for marrying someone even though I knew there was something there that just wasn't right. I felt sorry for my sister and urged her to leave her abusive H. He did hit her once and that is when she left...no children thank God, but she endured and emotional abusive marriage for 10 years. Here I am going on 21.
Like I said in my last post... I am not sure what to do right now, I love him, but like a friend more than a H. I will also do what I feel is important for me and not worry about if it is going to bother him. I have three boys and it worries me what they have learned from this.... maybe they have learned how NOT to act?
Thank you again
dd