He did it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
He did it!
2
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 6:31pm

I wrote back in the summertime regarding a man that i met. He has been in prison for domestic abuse seeking counseling. I thought, since i have never been in a abusive relationship he could have changed. Wrong! I now realize this man has so much anger inside of him. I thought that because i am a different women he has ever been with things probably might have been different. But the reality of the whole situation is he needs serious help. My first beating was New Years Eve night he got drunk and passed out, i was left in the hotel room talking to my girlfriend about how he is passed out and that my new year is started out in this room. So i made the decision to leave and go to the bar with his family and just have a good time. By the time i got off of the phone the beating started. I was so scared and didn't know what to do, i tried to fight back but the hits got worst. Finally he stopped after i agreed to stay and go to sleep. He balmed the alcohol and says he doesn't remember. All he remembers is hearing me say i'm leaving. I stayed with him, since he Promised never to do it again.

Just two weeks ago he came home all happy and just loving towards me. Then he asked my freind a question about my ex, then he went into a rage and walked the house. I walked out to go to the store, then he ran to the car and jumped in. I was driving and was talking smack to me then he started hitting me while i was driving. Finally i pulled over and started hitting him with all the punches i had inside me, in reality i am a fighter i can whip some a$$. We left driving off back home then he tole me to pull over a block from our house and started punching me again, so i started punching back. He choked me i scrached his face. He hit me 3 times in my nose then it finally started to bleed. I ran out the car and went home he followed me. What his reason for hitting me was because of his ex. She did something to him and he went off on me, NO EXCUSE!!!!!!

Ever since the second fight he has been walking around with a black eye, and busted lip, i just had a little bruise on my nose but big ugly purple bruises on my chest, arms and my chin. We haven't been getting along no more i tell him to leave he has problems.

I notice that after we fought he wants to be nice to me, blames me for making him mad. I need to stop nagging then he starts yelling at me. When i prove my point to him that its his fault he just ignores me. his anger is his childhood, and has progressed to adulthood. He hates women cause his mother was never there to protect him, he also hates women because of the women in his past. I'm trying to get him counseling and he also wants it to, but he needs 1 on 1 counseling with a psychologist. I love this man with all my heart but my head and body cannot take the pain anymore. I told him to leave today, i even told him i will call his parole officer. He thinks living like this is normal and its not. I was never raised like this, nor did i ever seen my parents fight, my father has never abused my mother.

Abuse can follow a person from childhood all the way to adulthood if they don't seek help. I have tried to tell him let his pain go, let the past go. Its not my fault what happened to him try to learn to love not hate and try to understand its ok to be upset, mad but fighting with anger isn't ok.

thank you for letting me get this all out. I finally told his closest family memeber of everything he has done to me and they are mad. he even started on me yesterday and today because he says i have a big mouth. i told him then you souldn't be putting your hands on me and hurting me, go and hit a punching bag because i'm not the one.

On the flip side of all this crap, he is a good loving man. While all this is happening onething the kids are not around. he cooks for me when i get home from work, cleans the house helps with kids. Tells me to relax and don't do anything he will take care of everything. hard working man, he has every trait that i want in a man and have been looking for, except for the rage. We can go out dancing together and have some drinks together, i dress up in sexy clothes and he loves it. But majority of the time when we did argue it all lead back to his ex. He would allow her to interfere with us and make him angry and then he would take it out on me. Please don't think she isn't the problem because she is, she isn't any good and she has proved it to me in my face but thats a different story. When she is gone and no contact with her or his child he is clear headed and we go on living without any problems, then here she comes.

I do know this isn't normal and this all could blow up in front of the kids and i don't want that. Now today when he tried to get in my face i'm not scared anymore, i can hurt you too!

flores73




Edited 4/5/2006 6:43 pm ET by flores73
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: flores73
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 4:21pm
flores...I guarantee you that he isn't beating on you because of his ex. That's BS. It's an excuse that he can use and you're buying it, but it's a complete lie. He is beating you to "put you in your place" and to feel powerful. The guy has huge problems, but they aren't what you think they are and they definitely aren't what he's telling you they are. He hates women because he believes that men are superior to women and that women don't deserve to be treated with respect. And that he doesn't remember that beating in the hotel room? I'm sorry, but that's also BS! I do agree that he does think that this kind of behavior is normal. flores...this is never going to get better for you. He has an abusive character and he always will. He is not going to change. Not for you - not for anybody. He is fine with who he is. FIghting back is not going to help the situation because he is not going to allow you to have the "last word". However you fight him, he's going to figure a way to hurt you back so that he can have the last word. Please get the book "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" and read it. This book will help you immensely in understanding what he's doing and why he's doing it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: flores73
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 6:52pm

Welcome back, Flores.