Is he emotionally abusive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Is he emotionally abusive?
7
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:49am
I am thoroughly confused. Sometimes I think that my husband is verbally/emotionally abusive. Othertimes, I think I am crazy and delusional for having such thoughts. Our second year wedding anniversary is coming up in 3 days. We are going through a rough time, and I doubt that our anniversary will be much of a “celebration” which saddens me.

All his life, he saw his dad be verbally abusive to his mom. Sometimes, there was physical violence too – never directed towards a family member, but tossing furniture around, slamming doors, etc. No one ever got hurt, but I believe the family was left scarred – my husband most of all. On many occasions he has told me that he has no respect for his father, that he is a “loser”, and perhaps his mom should have never stayed with him. I see a lot of similarities between my husband and his dad – when I pointed that out to him a few times, he got VERY upset and angry with me and made me promise to never say that again.

Here’s the problem: I don’t know if I have an emotionally abusive husband or not. I feel stupid, because I would think that this would be so easy to recognize. Sometimes, I think that I expect too much out of him, and am too sensitive.

My husband is…..volatile. I don’t know what to expect from him. He gets angry or frustrated/irritated very very quickly. Every day or two, he is upset with me about something or other. He doesn’t yell or scream, but he gets moody, says mean things, or just clams up. When I bring this to his attention, he tells me stop acting like he’s crazy and “if you think I’m such a bad, abusive husband, why don’t you just go to a battered women’s shelter then?” At that point, I cannot have a rational conversation with him. His complaints (most of which are valid, I agree): I have put on too much weight. He no longer finds me attractive, in fact I think his exact words were “it’s disgusting”. I am borderline size 12-size 14. I know I am overweight. I am ashamed and embarrassed that I have started and stopped dieting/exercise so many times. He is angry because he has tried to help me many times, and now he is frustrated and angry at my lack of results. So, yes, I think he has a point.

Furthermore, he thinks I’m too argumentative. I am always countering what he says. And lastly, he thinks I’m not sexually available enough. “Being too tired” is not a good enough excuse for him. He doesn’t think it’s unreasonable to expect/have sex every night or six nights out of seven. I don’t know the answer to that one. I have only been with one man. I don’t know what is “reasonable” and what isn’t. I love being intimate with him. However, I get tired of hearing all the criticisms about the frequency of our sexlife (or lack there of).

Most of the times, he blames all our disputes on me. I am too argumentative, I am too fat, I am too sexually unavailable, if all those were “fixed” then our marriage would be much better. I tell him that I don’t’ feel respected or appreciated anymore, and that makes me very, very sad. He thinks I’m an overly emotional person and my tears or sadness doesn’t really affect him anymore – “he’s gotten used to it”.

He will not agree to any form of counseling. No self-help books, no seminars, especially no counseling.

Now that I’ve painted such a horrible picture of him, let me end by saying that a lot of the times, he’s a sweet, gentle caring husband and friend. He is very very supportive of my career, and education aspirations. He is my strongest supporter, my cheerleader, my best friend. He will do romantic things – like back rubs and housework (and yes, I find that romantic, because he does it to help ease stress for me), and running hot bathes. We can sit for hours and just laugh and talk about anything at all….

At same time though, he doesn’t realize that I am sad. Or he does, and doesn’t really care because he thinks it’s my own doing/fault? I am frustrated and sad and don’t know if my husband is verbally abusive or if I’m just crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:26pm
Your husband sounds like he can be a wonderful person, but isn't always. Here's the bottom line for me: when he's done talking to you, you feel like less of a person. That's abuse. He has brought your self-esteem down, made you doubt yourself, and made you ashamed of something you should not be ashamed about. I was in a size 16, and have worked my way down to an 8/10, my husband thinks I should be a size 2 and he won't stop until I'm there. Your husband reminds me of this. Whether or not you think you are too big or not, You are You. You are a person with wonderful qualities. He should love you enough to not make you feel like less of a person because of those extra pounds. So should mine. Have you considered going to counseling by yourself? Would he let you? It may make you feel better to talk things like this out. Oh, and I don't think you're unreasonable about sex, that's a topic where there should be compromise. It certainly doesn't sound like you're depriving him. In any case, it should be about what you both want, not about making sure his every desire is filled instantly no matter what the cost to you. The cost to you is important. You have needs and desires that should be fullfilled too (like sleep). Also, being argumentive may just be a sign that you are unhappy. You don't sound like someone who picks fights for fun. Anyway, I haven't figured out answers for myself yet, but I have just admitted to myself that my husband is abusive. I believe yours is too, but of course that's for you to decide.

Best of Luck,

Becky

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 3:22pm
Hi Becky,

Thank you for your response. It felt good to hear someone else's thoughts on everythign i wrote. Just this weekend, i decided that i need to take some concrete steps - starting with counseling. My husband ignores me completely when i suggest counseling, so I decided i'll go by myself. Last night, again, he became really upset with me. In fact, yesterday, we saw each other for about 7-8 hours. I think that 6 of those hours he was angry with me and not speaking to me. This is becoming more and more of a regular occurance. Last night, i told him that his words really hurt me - "you've really let go of yourself." "you've just deteriorated". "you're so overweight/fat".... nobody has ever talked to me like that before, and I don't know why i put up with him talking to me like that. Anyway, his words really really hurt last night, and I guess i've just realized that he's not making any effort to change. I"m not prepared to leave him or give up on this marriage (because i do believe that he has many, many good qualities). So my hope is that some good will come out of counseling. Question: how do you go about choosing a counselor. There are so many websites and phone numbers - is there a specific way people choose counselors?

Good luck with you too. You sound like a very strong woman. i'm sure that in some ways, it's a relief to finally realize/come to accept that your husband is abusive. Im glad you are taking steps to better your life and health. Wish us both lots of luck!

Amna

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 2:01pm
Hi Amna,

I do believe your husband is emotionally abusive - so much of what you wrote sounds EXACTLY like my relationship! I too have just realized that my husband is abusive but in doing so I am learning that not all men are like this. My husband has some good qualities too but in his case, the bad have come to outweigh the good. When I was married for two years, I think I would have said the same thing you did, that my husband had many good qualities and I wasn't ready to give up on the relationship. But, my husband refused to go to counseling with me as well, and I did not think it would do any good to go myself, so things continued to decline until I'm where I'm at now - I can't stand him and I want him out of the house!!! I hope to not see you get to that point so individual counseling may help you. I wish I had realized my situation sooner and taken steps to help myself.

I did go for individual counseling when I finally realized just how bad things were and I was at the end of my rope. I chose my counselor by looking at the list provided by my insurance company of counselors that took my insurance, and then I made some calls to find out which ones had hours that could accommodate my schedule and which ones would provide counseling for my situation. Not all counselors provide counseling for the same things, some have a focus in certain areas or only deal with children, etc. I also knew I wanted a female, so that helped narrow down the list as well.

Best of luck to you! Keep us posted.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:24pm

Hi Amna, and welcome -


Hoo-boy, sounds like my XH.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 3:21pm
Well,

Thank you for your messages. As i mentioned before, it's so wonderful to hear other's views and thoughts on this subject. It's also scary. Because I don't want to deal with or accept the fact that my husband may be/is abusive.

This last weekend, all of Sunday and most of Saturday I was very very upset with him. I did not speak to him most of the time, even when he tried. He kept trying to make jokes and brush off my feelings by acting as if it was "just a little argument". Normally, that works with me (he can always make me laugh), but i was too sad. Finally, Sunday afternoon, we had a long heart-to-heart talk. He recognized and admitted that he didn't treat me right. He said that he gets frustrated and doesn't know how to handle certain things, especially becuase he feels that i don't take care of my appearance as much as i used to. I told him that while it is my responsibility, it's really hard to care about your appearance when the person you love is constantly criticizing you, and is making you feel bad about yourself. Anyway, he promised to make an effort to not get as upset with me as he does. I promised to start taking better care of myself. It's still confusing though. I told him that my fear is that this will be just like all the other times, when he "promises" to change and things are really sweet and nice for a few weeks and then he falls back into his old patterns.

On my end, I've started walking daily (it's only been a week, so i'm not congratulating myself just yet), and signed up for pilates/yoga classes. Got a facial, made an appt for following month, i've been making effort to put more make up on, colored my hair etc. He hasn't stopped complimenting the way i look in just the last week. While i am flattered, and it feels nice, i'm also really worried that this is all just going to end, and we'll be right back to where we started. Looking for counselor now....

Thank you again for all your input and for reading what i write!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 6:19am
Hi Amna,

Don't quit looking for that counselor! I spent 27 years of my life maintaining my "figure" for old Wendell. That's just one of many things I did so he would be happy. The last couple of years I did put on some extra weight. Didn't feel real bad about it, but someone sure let me know how ugly I was getting. I thought to myself, This is unbelievable, do I have to be a perfect 10 senior citizen too! So, if you are going to look good and lose weight, do it for yourself, not him. Once you get to where you want he will find something else wrong with you and get you sidelined on a new track. That's how they work. They keep you jumping at all times until you can't take any more.

Keep reading material here and posting. It takes a long time to quit blaming yourself for his unhappiness.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 12:29am
My ex husband had a horrible childhood, severe verbal and physical abuse, also witnessed sexual abuse-his father molested his sister. He saw his mother stab his father in the hand , he had pets killed in front of him as punishment, he had Christmas presents thrown away the next day as punishment, I could go on and on. That is horrible for that to happen to any child. In year two of my marriage, I felt horrible for my husband for what he went through, and I could relate because I had a pretty bad childhood myself, we understood each other, we were best friends, he was wonderful in his good moments. But after you get knocked around so many times, insulted , screamed at , called nasty disgusting names, accused constantly of cheating when that has no basis in reality, you have no more sympathy for his horrible childhood. Yes you had it rough, now you need to be a responsible decent man and make sure you don't do that to somebody else. Not sit around and say poor me and go on abusing your wife as much as you desire.