He has total control over me

Avatar for smoothone2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
He has total control over me
8
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 3:00pm
Where to start I don't know. I think i have said that before many times. Friday was my Birthday! Yippee! Happy Birthday to me, yeah hoo! And he forgot he never has before so actually i thought it was funny but at the same time yeah i will admit my feelings were hurt. So the whole day at work I had a good day. He went and picked up his son and his son came with a birthday present for me. Well SO totally went off on me how I embaressed him in front of his X wife made him look like a ass because he didn't remember my birthday, and went on about why didn't I remind him or put it up on the calendar Blah Blah blah. Whatever it is not my job to remind him we have been together now on and off for 9 years! Hello its not my fault he forgot! So saturday it was a little walk on the eggshells and Saturday night his X called there son to see howw he was doing. Well as soon as his son hung up with his mom my SO called her back and just ripped her a new A**hole! Yelled at her said she had no right to call there and ask his son what was going on between me and him if we were fighting! His son is 6 and has told his mom that he is scared of his dad when he yells (now his son tells us he never told mommy that so I don't know who tp believe) anywho as soon as he hung up with her he points to me AND SCREAMS "yOU NEED TO LEAVE AND NOW"! I was like "Hello I am not leaving I am bakeing cookies and not going to leave regardless". I don't even know what happened next I think he came towards me he didn't hit me but i called my cousin and told her I was scared and asked if she could come over and help me move my things out. Well because I called my cousin he threatened to call the police. I said "Go ahead" he went on about how I thought this was all a game. I don't think its a game at all its really getting old actually. So he calls the cops. I think he was trying to scare me. So we go downstairs and wait outside (his son is still there with us he is 6). The cop comes and my SO tlls him that he called him so things wouldn't escalate and he wouldn't hit me. The cop basically told him there was nothing he could do to stop him he had no control over what he did to me but if he did hit me he would go to jail or vice versa if i hit him left a mark i would go to jail. I told the cop I was fine. Well it just totally pissed my SO off that the cop took my side! He got in the cops face (Hello can we say stupid idiot) and told the cop he could leave because there was nothing he was doing for him went back upstairs and requested that a different squad come becasuse this cop was out of line. So another cop did not come. To make long story short I stayed I had my whole car full of my stuff and I just feel like when I listen to him yell at me and belittle me in front of his son. I just shrink up inside and give in to him and stay and think "yeah he is right he is the only one who has truly cared about me and love me" its like he has total control over my mind and when I am not with him I can speak freely about how wonderful life would be with out him but I can't get past the fear part and think its OK to leave him its Ok to go with life without him. Maybe because he has been my only serious real boyfriend and he is all I have known for 9 years. I have dated other men but nothing serious. Just needed to vent and don't know what to do anymore. Thanks for letting me come here and vent any advice greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 4:48pm

First off, he's lucky the cop didn't call in a second unit because of his behavior.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for smoothone2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 4:05pm
Hmmm what am i afraid of? Being alone, yes a little but it has to be better then living with the feeling of having to walk on eggshells all the time or watching what I eat because if I eat too much fattening stuff I will just blow up like a ballon again. (His words). I know that freedom is wonderful i had it for a few days I left last time. But dummy me I beg him to let me stay when really inside I am dying and want to scream and yell at him. It's like he has power over my mind or something. When i am not with him I feel comfortable to do whatever I want be myself. And when I am with him I basically feel like i have to watch how i do things or say things because I might offend someone. A lot of people tell me I am being to hard on myself but when I have him yelling down my throat about how I am ALWAYS thinking of myself it just discourages me. hope I am makeing sense here. Thnaks for letting me come here to vent :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 8:21am
Hi, how long have you been with him? You remind me of me. My now ex has a child with someone else too. I was with him for 7 years. He would always give his ex a hard time and yell at her but I never thought anything of it. I always thought it was her fault because he always made it seem that way. Then I got pregnant and alll that anger and abusive came slowly but surely focused at me. I am a little over 2 monthes out and let me tell you thart was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have been trying to leave him for about 5 years but everytime I would pack my bags and leave I would for some ungodly reason come back. I realized even though I wanted to leave I was just not ready to do it yet. Finally I came to that breaking point and left with out looking back or regreting my decision. It was hard and I did hurt at first but the pain is slowly going away and I as learing how to be myself again. You will too when you are ready. Just be safe and have a plan so when you are ready you know what to do. Good Luck

candi

Avatar for smoothone2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:50pm
I have been with him on and off for 9 years pretty steady for the last 6 years. He has been living with me for over a year now and it has been pure hell ever since he moved in. Your post has brought me a lot of reief. May I ask what was your breaking point? What made you decide that you just had to leave and get out of there. Thnaks so much for your words I am very greatful for this board. Just a real quick kind of funny thing. Last night he told me my other "Condition" was for me to stay was I had to go to Anger Management" classes! What the %*&%!???
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 5:14pm
My breaking point was sitting in the bathroom being screamed at by him in my face with my son on my bed acting like nothing was happening. He hit me locked me in the bathroom punched a hole in my bedroom and downstair doors. He also threatened my life. His anger had been building up for quite sometime and I told him one day we (my son and I) would end up leaving and he would lose us for ever. He had been getting more violent and hurtful over the years. He also started threatening my life a lot more frequently. He stoped saying he was sorry and started telling me it was my fault. I sat there that night and said that it is either him or me. I could succome to his behavior and end up dead or badly hurt or I could get out with my son. I really think that if I would have stayed I would have eventually ended up dead or servely hurt. Everyone has the own tolerance level. I think that when a person has really had enough and when they finally realize that they are worth more in life they leave. It took me 7 years of this to finally get the courage and strength to leave. I know see how peaceful it is really out there. I can say and do as I please. I can wear what I want. I can hang out with my friends again. I can do anything I want to do and that feeling is great. For the way it sounds to me you definitely deserve better and I hope you can see that. You are worth more than that. I like that saying "When you settle for less you get less than what you deserve." I finally got it. Good Luck with everything and stay safe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 5:38pm

He's deflecting attention off of himself and on to you by telling you that you need anger management classes.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:20pm
Hugs smoothone! He does not have total control over you, he has you thinking he has the control, this is what they want us to feel! As long as he keeps you confused, scared, isolated and intimidated, he will keep the pressure on you so that you cannot think clearly.

Have you contacted a local abuse shelter yet?? That would be a good first step if you haven't. If you can't locate one nearby call the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, and they can help you locate one.

Until you can find safety remember a few helpful tips, do not try and talk to your abuser about his behaviour, confrontation only makes it worse on us. Try to get a plan A in order, along with Plans B and C just in case. Get down to the police station and talk with a Domestic Violence officer. With what happened, they can get more of your story and more knowledge of the situation you're in, while in a safe place. Contact a shelter, ask them if they can help you with not only a safe haven, but also they should have connections with trained abuse legal help, financial help and trained abuse counselors whom you can talk to and help get yourself centered and grounded so that you can think straight.

You'll know when it's time to leave, we all have different points. But try to get plans in order, do not share these plans with anyone who you would not place your life in their hands, as this is exactly what you are doing. Do not expect family or friends to understand what is going on as most have no clue to abuse. Sadly many of those around us would try to get us to stay and work it out, which will do no good in abuse cases.

The less you talk about the abuse with him or others, the better off you'll be. Don't give him or anyone more control over you than what he thinks he is doing now.

You will get out of this, you will once again find happiness away from abuse. Do not let antiquated ideals of others fill your mind with the wrong advice. To tell you the truth, he is not your first love because if he loved you, he wouldn't be doing this, so don't let that keep you there. I know that sounds cold, but if you allow thoughts like that to hold you there, then he will keep on making sure you never find happiness. A true love would stand beside you, would not abuse you, would make sure that your happiness came first, would live in a 50/50 relationship.

He's already given you the edge by being such a butthead to the police, use this time to start getting free. It's hard but you can do it!

Keep posting, asking and venting here! Keep yourself strong and as hard as it is, start to look forwards to a life of happiness with no one like him ever doing this to you again.

Hugs

Avatar for smoothone2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 4:15pm
Thank you all very much for your great advice. I will be off from work all next week so it gives me time to sort this all through. I will try to get on next week sometime to let you all know how I am doing. I use just my work computer when I am on this sight because I know he could find a way to look at all the internet activity I do at home! Thanks again for all your support I really apppreciate it a lot!