he knows I want to leave :-(
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| Fri, 04-23-2004 - 9:08am |
My other sins? Being a slob and not good enough with the housework. I've gradually gotten much better (thanks FLYLady) but for me and not him. I have "neglected" him sexually for years he says. Those are my three big things..the "emotional affair" of my friendship with another man and the time I kissed someone else; I'm a slob; and as he said last night I have "never slept with (him) as a wife should." which really makes me wonder what the hell he wants because I wasn't shut down at first, and I was much more open then like when we were dating. Then when I ran into the bathroom in tears over that comment, he said I misunderstood and he didn't mean it quite like that.
Still not sleeping with DH "enough" (but it's ok for him to look at porn even though he's had one real life affair and one cyber affair)....four years ago with his affair I put up some big walls in order to be able to stay (I was pregnant with our second child then)...last month I tore some of them down because I love him and I want our relationship to work. We had a near-perfect Fri and Sat but Sunday I was in church and the children's bible club all day. He cybered again that night saying he loved her, missed her, and couldn't wait to get to work the next day. Denied it, said the time signature was wrong and it was an old conversation, then he said that I was over-reacting..said he was sorry that I found it..but never said he was sorry for doing it!
I can't give him my heart a third time!!!! We talked a long time last night, he was all lovey-dovey. There's nothing we can't work out he said, I'll do whatever it takes. If you hate our new place, then you can go home after a short time.. but he also said if you leave I'll hate you forever, and how can you deny me the moments with my children like that (a cute moment from our 2 1/2 year old) and I love you (yet he doesn't trust me, and I sure don't trust him)....
He won't, of course, see anything as abusive or neglectful rather that I neglect him because I can't respond sexually and haven't for a long time. I was abused sexually as a child btw if that helps any to understand why I've shut down.
OH, and taking advice from anyone outside of me and him is wrong (and yes, the nonchurch going "Christian" threw Scripture at me)....especially coming from my divorced "best" friend, divorced and on her third marriage mother, and divorced twice stepmom; and even my dad....who ALL think I need out....
I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do this!! Not yet...I want this relationship to work...he got mad at me last night..I'd gone to go get his sodas (was in the bath and got dressed again to go do this for him) and came back and said that I could NOT guarantee that if he did any of this that I'd be able to respond sexually again and improve that area of our life and he got a mad look on his face and said "well, what do you want me to say to that?!"
How do you get the strength to go, especially with children involved who really love their daddy? He's not a bad person, but we bring out the worst in each other. I can see where he is doing classic stuff to keep me here...but I feel so very worn out.....so very tired and worn out and hurt...I can feel myself shutting down again? Did I get too happy at my plans? I'm known for wearing my heart on my sleeves so to speak...

Ghost, he's trying EVERYTHING he can to maintain control over you - using guilt trips, religion, whining, being good.
CL-Blueliner4