He Makes Me Feel Like the Abuser - Long
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He Makes Me Feel Like the Abuser - Long
| Fri, 07-23-2004 - 10:03am |
Another fight this morning - all my fault of course. I dared to tell him that our "extra" money in our bank account, absent the 850 I have held out for property taxes, was under 1000, but that we had at least 450 "extra" coming in any day now. He just sat there stony faced in front of his computer, and, yes, I'm the one who asked him what's wrong, and he got nasty back at me in which case I told him not to get strung out over the money - we will make it and all our bills are paid up to date. That's still not good enough for him. I don't know how I got onto it, but I complained that all he does is sit with his face stuck in the computer all the time. We have a beautiful almost 3 y.o. dd. His response was "what else is there to do around here" - like me and dd are the most boring things on earth. I was married for 23 years to a man like that - I can't believe I've been lucky enough to find another. I have told him before in our arguments that if he doesn't like it just leave - and meant it too. If things are "so bad" why doesn't he just leave?? I would consider him a deserter - and I've told him that, too, but if he's so miserable take his misery somewhere else and make somebody else miserable - I don't need that crap. He's too stupid to know that I can and will dump him. We went to a baseball game last Saturday that cost $150 to go to - with gas, babysitter, eating out, etc. It's still not good enough. He has a brand new 2003 dodge ram truck to drive around, a brand new garden tractor, we have a new refrigerator (I was afraid the old one would break), etc. Still not good enough. We have a nice 3 bedroom house on 17 acres, he has his birds he raises and a registered bird dog in the back yard that's his. Still not good enough. I'm making the same mistake I made with my ex - buying things hoping that will "keep him happy". Well, it doesn't work that way and I'm done buying - we have to pay some of this stuff off. I am numb from this morning's argument - but it was my fault - he even said that he sat there saying nothing, but that I started it. I called the spouse abuse crisis line before I came in to work - the man counselor said I sounded pretty much fed up. Why can't marriage just be easy??? It breaks my heart that I can't make this one work either. This guy has no "staying power", and I hate it the most because it's going to hurt our dd - if we do split - he'll dump her eventually and treat her like he treats me. I have a Masters degree plus, I "supervise" 25% of the state budget for the Legislature. No, I don't drink and party and, yes, sometimes it's boring around our house because I'm trying to give our 3 y.o. a stable and loving homelife. I just wish for once somebody would love me for who I am, and not expect me to change, or hang the responsibility for their happiness on my shoulders. And for once would try to think of what I need, and not focus tunnel-visioned on just their own selfishness. The thought of going through another divorce makes me ill, but if I have to I will. I'll land on my feet - I always do. I just don't know how much damage he's done to my self esteem - I don't feel much like today I have any/feel beat down. There's only so much blame one person can take. I do know one thing, and I'm proud of it - I don't take his lashings laying down - I come up fighting and let him know where he is out of line. I didn't deserve that this morning - all I was really trying to do was let him know where we stood - money-wise, so he could help me watch it a little. And I even told him fine, if he thinks he can do a better job then take the checkbooks - oh no, he doesn't want to have anything to do with them - jerk, complains about something, then refuses to deal with it. I have no respect for somebody who is so limp-wristed about his family. He should kiss the ground our dd walks on just for having her. You'd think after losing his ds he would keep that in mind. No wonder his ex wife did him like she did - she probably got totally fed up with it too - although she did sound pretty mean - would make him get out of bed to take care of their baby in the morning so she could sleep in while he'd been out working all night. I don't know - maybe I'm the one who should just go on and get the divorce. I don't seem to have much good to say about him today, that's for sure. I told him the money thing and fights are not "just my fault" - he cuts me no slack for not being perfect. I'm just so tired - it's been 4 years of this, and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm to the point I would be glad for him to walk out and not come back - but our dd would be devastated. On the other hand, I'm getting ready to start my monthly cycle, and I know I always get very depressed at that time, and my judgement right now is probably clouded. Any positive/constructive emails back are fine, I don't need to be "blasted" over this - I feel bad enough as it is. Sorry this is so long.

Handing you the small Scharfenberger chocolate bar from my purse I bought for the same reason...
Now why on earth is anyone going to blast you over this post?
CL-Blueliner4
Yes, thank you, coffee with the chocolate - how did you know what I go for when I'm down?? ;) I'm feeling better this afternoon - probably fool with my horses this weekend - I've got a big black one that butts his head and knocks me around (gently) when he senses I'm not in the best of moods. And in return I give him baths when it gets so darn hot (95 when I left work last night). Thank you for such a wonderful post. How long did you stay in the marriage with your ex? Did you have kids? I think one thing that makes me hesitate ending it with this one is my last divorce hurt my 15 y.o. ds so much - the happiness and lights went out of his eyes, and I don't know if they'll ever be back. I've got him going to college this Fall, and working on the university farm this summer (he got a workship on the same farm me and his Dad met on 20 some odd years ago - same farm manager is still there, and he's a pretty good guy - I know him and his wife will watch over ds when I can't).
I was only married for a couple of years (freedom date is 9/15/02), and mercifully no kids.
CL-Blueliner4