he manipulated me into letting him stay!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
he manipulated me into letting him stay!
4
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 6:37am

We finally had it out yesterday where he said he was fed up and leaving, and threatened to take all the money out of the bank on Monday. (There isn't much there to take!)

He asked me to pack his bags and when I said he can pack his own he just said he was leaving w/o anything and walked out. He left the house then an hour later called begging that I take him back and I said that I wasn't prepared to do that yet, he asked if he could come back at least so he could talk to me and get his clothes in case he doesn't stay.

Against my better judgement, I agreed, he has a key to the house anyway so I couldn't really stop him. I told him that I pretty much reached the point where I didn't trust him even though he claimed up and down that he was going to do everything that I asked of him and that he was going to try to change. I told him that he could stay for the one night until he could find something the next day. I was very clear in stating that for now I did not want him back and that we needed some time apart.

He then got upset and refused to leave, and said I was the one that should leave because he hand I told him that he could stay for the one night until he could find something the next day. I was very clear in stating that for now I did not want him back and that we needed some time apart.

He refused to leave and said that I should be the one to leave if I wanted to have space apart. He said he had nowhere to go that his mom would not be sympathetic and that staying at a hotel would cost money that we don't have. He said financially, it would be better if I stayed at my mothers, but I don't think it is right that I have to uproot my daughter from her home and her things, and give in to him.

He lost it, when I told him I wish he had never come back, and started packing his bags saying that if he left it is because I had thrown him out and threatened to fight me in court to prove that I was an unfit mother and started to cry and throw such a temper tantrum (in front of my daughter too!)

I didn't know what to do because it was so late already so I told him once again that he could stay for the one night, so he left his suitcase in the car and he stayed. My daughter and I went to a late movie so he was sleeping (in another bedroom where he has moved out to for several weeks) when we returned.

Now it is 5:34 a.m in the morning and I don't know what to do, he will be leaving for work in a couple hours. Should I change the locks and not be home when he returns from work? But I know that will make him angrier!!! I don't know what to do but I do know that he cannot stay here and I should not be the one to leave!!

I am so tired of this....

Avatar for phoenixangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 8:23am

The very FIRST thing *I* would do, based on what he said, would be to get to the bank, close-out/cash-out your accounts and re-open an account/accounts in your name only. Have the bank issue a bank-check in whatever percentage is his fair share (if it is a joint account, so that you are not in essence stealing from him, which is not right of itself). Who knows but that there is where HE is at this very moment??

Then he can spend his OWN money to house himself once he's out. It was HIS choice to act as he has, now it can be HIS business how to survive the consequences of his own choices.

Then call the police and see what you can do about getting a restraining order. You may indeed need to lay low and keep your head down until you have the proper "ducks lined up" to get him removed from your life.

Next, contact your local Domestic Abuse center and ask them to connect you with pro-bono (free/volunteer)) financial and legal advisors. You'll need to gather up financial info, but then you can get a reasonable picture of "what next." Like, is your house in your name? Cuz it doesn't just end when he walks out the door, you need to survive.

Best of luck, and remember that while it's a very good thing to be a compassionate person, don't let it trick you into cutting yourself off at your own knees.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 3:51pm
Hi,,just wanted to let u know that you can stay in your house w/your daughter and have a restraining order served to him,,on the grounds of mental abuse,,etc..and for the safety of your daughter,,you can stay in your house and the courts would more that likely rule to keep your daughter in her home w/you..the courts only care about the kids best interest , not the adults..so keep that in mind..Hope it helps..
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 9:13pm
You've gotten some good advice already. I will just add my ((hugs)) and best of luck!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:53pm
Thanks all for the great advice! He did leave on Monday and stayed at a hotel. Tonight he is staying by my sister's (she is taking him in so he isn't spending money on a hotel which he is putting our credit card.). He wasn't crazy about doing that and asked me if he could back but I stood my ground. I did check the bank accounts that very morning and he didn't touch the bank accounts after all, because quite literally there is really nothing there, I should have known all bark no bite. With tears, he asked if he could stay overnight at our house on his birthday this weekend, I told him we would take it one day at a time, but I am not prepared to give in so easily.