He put his fist through the wall!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
He put his fist through the wall!
7
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 4:56pm

I will try and be brief.

My BF of one year always had a bad temper. In the beginning of our relationship he threw a bottle of soda across the room when we argued. I tried to leave him then but we had a conversation about his temper. He admitted to me that he has always had a bad temper but he was working on it. At that time, he told me that he really liked me and was not going to loose another good women because of his temper. I should have left then but I wanted to give it a chance. During the course of our relationship, I would see how angry he got but he never got violent. I could see that he was trying not to be violent. It was like he knew he was getting really mad and he made an effort to not be aggressive. I saw how difficult it was for him to sit and talk out a problem. He would get up like he was going to strike something but then he would sit back down like he was fighting the urge to. I took that as a sign that we could work out and have a successful relationship because of his efforts.

But on Tuesday, he stopped trying. He put his fist through the wall! After that he left. I don’t know why I was so surprised that he was capable of getting so angry that he punched a hole in the wall. Well, not too long after he left he called me to apologize but I told him that I never wanted to see him again. We stayed on the phone that night for hours. He was pleading with me to not throw our relationship away.
He said things like, "We need each other", "I love you so much", "We are going to have arguments, don't give up on us so easily" and "It will never happen again".
I want to be with him more than anything but I told him that we were over. Since then he has tried to call me at home, work and cell but I don't answer the phone. He as emailed me but I didn't respond.
Am I doing the right thing? I love him, but if I stay with him wont he think that his behavior is acceptable?

I have always read that once a person is an abuser he will always be an abuser. So, I am trying to leave this relationship alone. I should count my blessings that I have no children with him and that we are not married and move on. But my heart is with him. We have had a year full of great memories but there have been a few terrible instances like the two I mentioned.
Do you recognize my bf's actions as those of an abuser? Or am a I overreacting? I want to know if my bf has the same behavior patterns as an abuser.

I miss him so much and its only Thursday.

I really appreciate your honesty. I am embarrassed to admit what is happening to me to friends and family. So I am glad I have this message board. Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:37am
At a bare minimum, it's plain that he's not able to control his temper. And, this is how they often start out- first the wall, then YOU. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells? IMO you've done the right thing. I know it's hard, but it is so worth it.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:10pm

Hi!!

I am so happy that you had the courage to leave and are not talking to him!! I applaud you for that because it is very difficult to do. I classify your relationship as abusive. You did the right thing to leave. It will never get better no matter how many times he says he will change/no matter how much he says he loves you/no matter how many times he says he is sorry and it will never happen again. Reality is, that it will happen again. Do not give him another chance because it will only get worse and worse over time.

My abuser would also throw things. He has broken a few mugs (totally smashed them) threw a flicker once... and you know what - he blamed it on me?? He always switched it around and I was the one to blame. Deep down I knew he was in the wrong. My abuser also said he will get help and he will change - but he never did. It got worse (not physically) yell at me more/say really hurtful things to me then in the end he would be so mad at me that he wouldn't talk to me for days (maybe a hi hows it going here and there b/c we lived together) and he would then blame everything on me!!!! when reality was that it was his fault and his problem.

I totally get it how he is saying that you are throwing the realtionship away. My abuser said the same thing.. also saying that I run away from my problems and if that's how I was raised then fine - keep running away. But you know what I was running away from the problem because HE is the problem. The only way to get better is to be away from the abuse.

It will be very difficult for a while. You need to try and keep the mindset that you deserve better and you do not deserve to be abused. You deserve way better than that.
You are doing the right thing. It is so hard and I applaud you for doing what you are doing.

His behavior is not acceptable. I also believe that if you did go back to him, he will get used to treating you that way and he will think its acceptable - when it is not!!

There is another board called Domestic Abuse - New Beginnings. Both of these boards have been life savers for me and I recomend them to you if you are having any doubts about going back to him.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:58pm

I won't lie...

I feel like he can change. I really do believe he loves me. I hate feeling lonely. I miss him soooo much. I feel like crying all the time. I want to call him and tell him that I love him too and we should try again. (I won't call him) I hate the fact that I have to start all over again with someone new. I want to have a family and so does he. He wants to marry me. He said he will get help. When we have arguments he never blames me for his tantrums. He feels disappointed in himself because he has let me down. Unlike the other abusers I read about, my BF (excuse me, my ex-BF) makes an effort to not get violent. He has succeeded many times. But he has also failed a few times.

If he is an abuser, he could be changed. Right? It is possible. There has to be someone, somewhere, that has over-come his abusive ways!?!? What if he can change? Then I will be giving up on us and I will regret it forever. How can I say I love someone and as soon as the waters gets rough I "jump ship"? I want him to be good for me and he has expressed the same.

I know in the back of my mind that it is best for me to stay away, but I am going crazy without him. It's not always bad. As a matter of fact, it's mostly good. I am fighting myself to continue to not speak with him and I have not and will not contact him. But everyday it gets harder and harder. I have been drawing strength in prayer and reading everyones posts on this message board. It helps me to realize that I deserve better.

I am normally confident and happy-go-lucky but now I just feel so sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:33pm

Of course you believe that he can change his ways. I did the same thing. I believed my abuser time and again that he would change, but over time I realized that he will not change his ways. I do understand how difficult it is to be away from him. It has only been about a month since me and my abuser split. We have only been in no contact since Sunday. It doesn't seem long, but it sure feels long! I am having a very difficult time. I have been posting non-stop on the New-Beginnings board. I am sad all the time, I cry all the time, I miss my abuser so much it hurts... and I do love him dearly. I realize that no matter what I do or say things will not change between us. We cannot be together anymore, it was very unhealthy.

Only 1% of abusers change - He is the only one that can make that happen by going to counselling, realizing he has a problem and is actually willing to fix it.

Of course you will want to get married and have children. But don't just jump into it when a guy comes a long and says he loves you. Abusers change with time and it always gets worse. I thought I was going to get married to my abuser, but I am sure glad we didn't jump in and start a family, because it just gets harder once you get a lot invested in the relationship.

Does your abuser say sorry after all the fights you have? Does he make you very upset and yell at you, then few hours later he acts like everything is all peachy again. He is saying he is going to get help - but you know what it - it won't get better in a few days or weeks... it takes months and years for him to get better... only 1%

I am only telling you things about my relationship because that is what I learend from. No 2 relationships are the same - abusive or not. Only you know how he acted. But of what I read from your posts I would be staying away. This is only my opinion. You need to do what you feel is right.

Have you checked out the board website yet? (Might be the CL's website on the new beggings page... I'm not sure?) It has some great info on there. You should check it out.

http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm

Deep down it seems like you know to stay away... have you thought about going to see a counsellor or anything?

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 9:21am

Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate your words of encouragement. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this except for the women on this board.

You wrote:
"Only 1% of abusers change - He is the only one that can make that happen by
going to counseling, realizing he has a problem and is actually willing to fix
it."

On Saturday he sent me a 5-page letter via the mail. It was very touching. He admitted his problem in the letter and said he and his father went to register for counseling. Initially, I did not believe he actually went to get help. But on Sunday, he called me from a private number so I picked up the phone. I was going to hang-up but I wanted to talk to him because I missed him. So we talked and he told me about his experience at his counseling session. He said they gave him different assessment test to determine the type of counseling he should receive. He said that he was extremely uncomfortable during the assessment but he forced himself to stay. He said that he as been assigned a therapist and will see her every Thursday for 2 hours. He made it a point to tell me that his therapist commended him for registering without a court order or by someone forcing him. He went on his own free will.

He told me that he was going to fix his problems with the hope of us being together. I feel that with him seeking help we can be together again. I know that it is not an overnight fix but it is a start. Right? At this point we are still not together and we do not speak. But what if he is the 1%? Shouldn’t I give it us a chance?

Thanks so much Lauren. You have no idea how much you've helped a young complete stranger like me. I hope your situation will produce the best outcome you see fit. It's very comforting to know that I am not the only one who is experiencing something like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 1:59pm

That's great that he went to counselling all by himself. He must realize that he has a problem. He gets credit for going there - but he has to stay there. He might go and leave after a couple sessions then drag you back into the relationship and say he is all better now that he went to a couple sessions of the counselling. Abusers do that - they say they are all better and they have changed, when they are still the exact same. Please be aware of that. Abusers will do everything and anything to convice you to get back with them.

Also, it will take a long time for him to get better. Who knows when you can be together again... That is what worries me. He will say he is all better because of the counselling... but he might be only saying that to get you back. He might be in the 1% chance to get better - but that is really far down the road. I had so much hope for my abuser to get better. He started counselling when we were breaking up. Maybe he will get better down the road but I cannot sit around and wait for him to get better.

Also.. your welcome for anything that I have done. I also have gotten so much help and advice on these boards - they really are a life saver. If it wasn't for the help I've received on these boards I'm not sure where I would be now. I would probably still be with my abuser! I have been reading so many books on abusive men that I just want to share so much info that I have learned. It is amazing what I have learned about them. And no you are for sure not the only one experiencing what you have been threw. I have found out that 1 of 3 women will be in an abusive relationship sometime in their life. There are a lot of women out there going thru the same thing.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 9:20pm
The answer to your question is YES, your bf is an abuser. The cycle of abuse has many stages and the stage in which you are in is called the "honeymoon" stage. If you have walked away from this relationship with your life then you are blessed. The pain of breaking up will take time to heal. you got to realize that you are actually counting the days in which he does not verbally abuse you. That means your heart, mind and soul are connected to the abuse. Honey, stay away from him.