Is he recovered?
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| Sat, 01-01-2005 - 5:11pm |
I have visited this board several times over the past year and been unable to post anything despite wanting to reach out for help. I've discovered first hand that the emotional, verbal, and physical abuse you endure damages you in ways you initially never even thought of. I actually have trouble understanding how I feel, why I feel the way I do, and sometimes I'm paralyzed when trying to make the most basic decisions. Like what to cook for dinner...
I am married to, and living with, my husband of almost 13 years who I met at 19 and dated for almost 5 years prior to marrying. There was no abuse prior to marriage but certainly warning signs from the interactions I witnessed within his very dysfunctional family. I naively and stupidly chose to ignore them. The verbal and emotional abuse begin within weeks of our marriage and worsened over the years to physical abuse only in the last 6 years. The physical abuse was something I hoped would come thinking it would force me to leave him but by the time it arrived, I was such a mental case that I didn't leave. It was infrequent enough that I convinced myself it was my fault each time it occurred.
My husband has had an epiphany in the last 12 months and has made major efforts (and accomplishments) to reinvent himself. He has undergone some counseling, intensive efforts with self help books and tools, no incidence of verbal, emotional or physical abuse, and relearning communication and anger management tools. He has taken control of all interactions with his family to the point of disassociating himself from the most "toxic" members of his family. He says that he doesn't want to turn out like his family and knows he must break the cycle of abuse for the sake of our marriage and our children. He has never harmed the children in any way physically yet the way he talked to them was loud and harsh whenever he was angry. I know very little about his childhood but enough to know that this is how the abuse started within his family.
Throughout his amazing transformation, I continue to have a difficult time forgiving him for the past. I do not love him as much as I feel a wife should love her husband. I am basically distrustful. Emotionally, I divorced him years ago and shut him out of my life in any way possible. We have had very little intimacy in our marriage because I couldn't bear it. My self esteem is in the crapper and I use food to comfort myself to the tune of gaining 60 pounds in the last 5 years. I feel stupid and worthless and absolutely hate what I've allowed my life to become. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. I should have taken my children and told him to go to H_LL. Instead I let my fear rule my decisions. I feel so drained emotionally, physically and mentally that I live each day moment to moment just to get by. The stress that I'm under, along with the deterioration of my physical health, worries me and scares me. I have no idea where to begin to heal myself and know that I need to desperately before I crawl into bed and never get out again.
I've endured emotional and verbal battering, physical abuse that's left me bruised and sore for weeks. I've been trapped in a relationship as a stay at home mom with no money and no job as a safety net and resorted to food stamps and medicaid just to keep my kids fed and cared for. I spent every bit of energy I had insulating my children from what was going on and luckily for me my husband usually cooperated. I've pulled myself up by my bootstraps, started a successful business to give me the security to get out at a moment's notice if I need it, stood by my husband and witnessed what is an amazing transformation on his part... now I choose this time to fall apart?? What is wrong with me??

Hi Violet, welcome -
While there is a slim chance that he could be part of the less than 1% of abusers that stops abusing, it sounds like things are over regardless.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi Violet,
You aren't falling apart, you are just reorganizing. I agree with Blue. Counseling did me wonders. I thnk the tipoff in our marriage, which was technically over about 20 years ago, was when my business starting taking off last year. He couldn't handle the fact that I might be successful. I also worked hard to protect the children and be the perfect mom. The business has suffered because I fell apart also, but I am slowly reorganizing. The one thing that came about once I became free was the realization that I no longer had to take all my energy and concentrate on making some else's life happy. My counselor worked with me to show me what was happening and that as long as I continue on the path of trying to "please" I will be forever stuck in the cycle.
Terry