is he starting again....
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| Sun, 03-05-2006 - 5:04pm |
I got married back in september, against this naggif=ng feeling that he would never change his abusive ways. But everytime he would call me a name or degrade me in some way, he would always say he would never do it again. He rarely said he was sorry and the first time he told me he loved me was when he repeatedly called me a whore in front of his best friend one night, and told him to go f**k me in the next room. (This was 4 months after we were married). I was ready to leave him, but didn't b/c he semed sincere this time. So now he swears that he'll never call me a name again. But lately there have been signs that once he is secure that I won't leave him, he'll start up again. (For example.... He keeps asking me if there are any other guys, if I am talking to any guys. He tell his friends, right in front of me, that I don't let him talk to any of his old female friends, (which is complete BS), when I try to explain things that bother me, he says that I'm attacking him and yelling at him and never giving him any postive comments.... And the worst is that I think he is starting to direct it to my 7 year old child. She recently told us that her 5 year old cousin opened the door when she was in the bathroom.... My H scolded my daughter for not locking the door... She's 7 years old, she gets scared when the door is locked and he knows that. So when I tucked her in that night, she cried about the way H spoke to her)
I can't win.... Yesterday, I told him that I wanted to spend the day by MYSELF, since my daughter was at her dad's house, and quite frankly HE was getting on my nerves. He started screaming and stormed out of the house because I wanted the day to myself. What is wrong with that???? Am I a terrible person for wanting the day alone? So now he is saying that I'm not a real wife and I don't give him credit for being good since the last episode. The last episode was in January. Am I supposed to praise him for not calling me a name in 1.5 months? Is that a good thing. He refuses to go to counseling. He thinks he can change on his own. But I have this awful feeling that he won't. My daughter deserves a loving home... He won't even acknowledge her as a step child......

Big hugs, butterfly.
Yup, sounds like he's starting again, unfortunately.
I think that now the time has come to think about your child. It's bad enough that he mistreats you, but the time to draw the line is when he mistreats your child. Your daughter could learn that this is an acceptable way for HER to be treated when she is older, and I know you don't want her to do that.
Keep reading and posting. You're in the right place.
>>He refuses to go to counseling. He thinks he can change on his own. But I have this awful feeling that he won't.<<
I agree with the responses you've gotten so far...
I also wanted to add my two cents on your statement that he refuses to go to counseling. And you are right. Abusers don't change on their own. Admitting they have a problem and need help is the first step. (Although, some will admit they have a problem, and do nothing about it. The admission is just to get you off their back.) Admitting AND surrendering to some form of treatment/help is step one. If your husband refuses to get help, then he is lying when he says he will/wants to change.
Another red flag... is most abuse eventually moves on to the children. The mean, nasty way he treats you will eventually be the way he treats your daughter. I saw this happen in my situation. My abuser started treating my son in a belittling, bullying, name calling manner. And it was at that point that I realized, I had to make the tough decision to leave. If it was just me, I might have never gotten the strength. I was motivated to protect my children and as you said, your daughter deserves a loving home. You can do it. I pray that you recieve wisdom and strength to make the right decisions for you and your daughter.
Love,
Loonybunny