he is trying..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
he is trying..
12
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 10:46am

For awhile now dh has really been trying to understand himself, his family, people he works with, and the dynamics of verbal abuse. He is actually reading books and watching shows on tv regarding this. I am not saying he has done a total turnaround because he hasn't. I am just amazed at what he is willing to look at. Especially the things in himself. He is really trying. No, I don not have blinders on, I still see the unbelievable mess we are all still living in. He has told his family that he doesn't want to deal with them anymore because of their control/abuse issues. So he pretty much has no family anymore. Makes me feel like that's what we as victims do...to get away from our abusers. I feel bad he has no contact with his brothers and mother. But I agree they are a negative influence in our lives. I'm not sure how healthy for him this is. I am not sure if he will even consider counseling (he is always right ya know!). The thing that is bothering me lately is that he hates it when I tell him why the kids are not doing so well lately. He says that I am trying to blame him for everything all the time. All of our problems he feels I am blaming him because of the verbal abuse. I feel rotten sometimes because I think I DO do this! I am hard to live with as well I am sure!! I just needed to post this. I hope this doesn't sound like I am really confused. LOL! Thanks! :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 11:21am

No hun, you don't sound confused at all.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 12:56pm

I'm right there with Wish, Ms. Pink.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 3:42am

Hi Pink

After reading your message, it does (to me) sound as though he's using his new found tactics to control you in a different way - by breaking contact with his family. Do you feel guilty at all for this? What will is family think is the reason for him breaking contact? Will they blame you! If he truly is a man in trascience, he would be willing to hear how exactly you feel about him breaking contact with his family. If he sees this as a 'dig' at him...i'd question how far his 'change' has come. Could it be that he is trying to reduce his responsibility for his abuse, by implying he 'just' does it bec uase of his family's known abuse?

Are there any perpetrator courses in your area? Though only a small %age are likely to be successful, and the drop out rate is high, according to research conducted by Gondolf, the partners of abusive men reported feeling safer while abusive parents were on these programmes. (Based on programmes that work with and support the survivir too)

You said he's been reading books and watching TV shows about domestic violence. Not all programmes/ books portray a realistic picture of domestic violence, in fact some further spread the manure abusers like to believe...especially those that talk about 'family violence'

<< I am hard to live with as well I am sure!! >>

Living together is a compromise. You shouldn't need to accept any responsibility for the way he trets you.

Take care x :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 1:11pm

Thanks to all of your responses! They do help me out quite a bit! Jeez, I wasn't even thinking that way about him changing his tactics around at all! See, you all helped me to see that. Why didn't I think that in the first place??! Yes, I am feeling so guilty about putting myself out there with him and my feelings. I am just going to have to accept the fact that THIS IS WHAT HE IS DOING---NOT ME!! I've got to get that through my head! This morning I was trying to talk to him about our ds age 7. He's been acting depressed and sad and it's concerning me. I am trying to let my h know what is happening with my ds. As soon as I try talking about it, he throws out, "Of course it's all my fault right??!!" Everyday he says I am blaming him on all of our family problems. I am trying to be a responsible parent by trying to be honest with h about things. I had lying and not telling him things (I know, it's part of the conditioning). I am afraid to put the kids and myself in counseling w/o telling him why. I feel he needs to know, but by the same token he is just not going to "hear" me. I think what is scaring me is that fact I have to do this for me and the kids without telling him what I am doing. It's been so long doing things w/o asking him first is what my problem is. I am so used to getting his permission, or what "he thinks" about things that I am kind of confused right now. I am scared of the unknown. I am scared to hurt him. But I am more concernd about the kids. It would be easier if he would mess up and do something stupid or just smack me once and that will be my proof to leave!

Thank for the help! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 1:44pm

If he asks why you and the kids are going to counseling, tell him it's because you need to speak to someone and he doesn't want to listen.


No, on second thought, that would just set him off.


IMO, hon, he's beyond getting to know.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 4:04pm

Hi

...Sorry if I appear to be pasting chunks of your post and responding. I find it easier that way- then hopefully I won't omit anything :)

<< Why didn't I think that in the first place??! >>

...Try not to give yourself a hard time about it. It's usually easier for an outsider looking in. From what I (think) I know about domestic violence, I can bet the guy you fell for wasn't abusive. They must have some 'nice' qualities at first...and when they start drip- feeding us a combination of kind words/ gestures...and abuse, it *is* an incredibly confusing time.

<< I am afraid to put the kids and myself in counseling w/o telling him why. I feel he needs to know, but by the same token he is just not going to "hear" me. >>

Would you find it 'easier' if you were to be referred by your doctor for example, so you are both still receiving the support you need, yet you aren't technically self-referring? Is there any time during when you're able to seek help while he's not around? Could it be arranged that a counselor have a session with your son in school?

You shouldn't have to change - and walk around on eggshells - because he wants you to, or because he thinks he has the right.

<< Everyday he says I am blaming him on all of our family problems.>>

Rhetorical question: has he used the line "you need to stop nagging me then I will change!!"

I hope you stick around :)

x

Avatar for sandman2write
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 10:35pm

Pinkdandelion (WOW I love that nick) everything you have said is classic abuse
In all its madness. Its kind of like waving one hand in front of your face, and
while you are focused on that hand, hitting you with the other.

If he will not go to counseling, then you can be assured that he is in passive aggressive
control mode with guilt as the frosting. I think in giving up his family he is
only trying to gain their support on how you are the bad one not him.
If you read your own posts you will see that it is working because you are beginning to feel that way yourself. Reading and watching shows is a good start but I don’t think his ego will allow it to become more then a way to through you off track

I also think he may be preparing for a show down of some form that’s why he needs
their support. Do you understand what I am trying to say?
You have to understand something’s after an abuser hurts his victim (or victims)
They do feel sorry, guilty, sad and even remorseful, problem is they can not or will not deal with
these feelings for long. They do not understand how or even what these feelings are.
They do not want to because in some men’s minds this is a sign of weakness
After this process the anger sets in, anger and confusion is a dangerous and even deadly
combination. Anger is dominant over all the other feelings, so with anger he does not have to feel
The true feelings. This is why counseling is so important; it helps with knowing, understanding,
And expressing these feelings with out the anger, control, or pain.

I hope with all my heart that this helps you, your children and perhaps even your DH
Please protect your Children and yourself no matter what, and the best way to do that
Is to stay away from the abuser until he comes to terms with his problem and can
Communicate his feelings openly

Randy
AKA
{SANDMAN}

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 3:39am

<< Its kind of like waving one hand in front of your face, and while you are focused on that hand, hitting you with the other.>>

I like that analogy sandman :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 3:52pm

Yep he's getting worse. I treated myself to a haircut today. I don't think I have had one for over 2 years now. It's been a long time since I have done something relaxing for myself like this. I can't tell you how good it felt! She even did a hand massage for me! It was great. I only did this because I received an Amex gift card for doing a test drive on a car. He would have never given the money to me to do this. All the memories of when I used to pamper myself came back to me. I kept thinking to myself how I can't believe how I have let myself go. I kept thinking I really need to do this every month or two just for myself. Well, when it was time to pay the prepaid card didn't work right. My heart sunk and knew I had to call dh for an alternate card number. Dialing the phone I knew what was going to happen before he answered the phone. All of a sudden all of those relaxing moments just vanished away and reality hit me once again. I told him I would give him the gift card when I find out what is wrong with it. But in the meantime, he needed to give me another CC number. I told him calmly. He came back with You better be telling me the truth. You better not be sticking this to me!! I reassured I was telling him the truth. So after I left the hair salon I went to meet dh with the kids at a kids birthday party they were at. Steam was coming out of his head!! Him and his blah blah blah blah crap about how I am not responsible.......people were noticing something was wrong. I kept thinking "Oh no, please don't ruin this kids birthday party!!!" I stopped going to parties and family things because out of fear he'll embarrass me or ruin the day for whoever is throwing the party. We got home and he was acting like a spoiled brat not getting his way. Screaming at the kids until they cried. He kept telling me I better stop kissing these kids' a$$ because they don't appreciate anything. I wanted to say to him, "No these kids can't stand you for what you put us all through!!" Then he hugged my 7 yr old as kept telling him he was sorry. All day I noticed the difference in myself and with the kids. We all tense up when he is around, and are more relaxed without him. I want that feeling back !! That feeling that I made the choice to do something good for myself. Not worrying what he may be thinking, or what is going to happen when I get home, etc. I just wish it was more in reach for me. It seems like such an unobtainable goal for me right now. God, I hate this! Non stop stress!!!!!!!! I think it will be a long weekend!!!! Btw, dh saw I had a book in my bed I was reading the other night called, "No Visable Wounds, Identifying nonphysical abuse of women by their men" by Mary Susan Miller, PH.D. I recommend this book to read---it's good! That's all I needed for him to see this book right??! He never comes in my room so I left the book under my covers on the bed. He reads the title and says, "You really think I am an a$$hole don't you???! Because I AM NOT!!!!"

I can't stand this tension---I want it to end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:51pm

I've been in your shoes. It isn't a great way of living is it? I too walked on eggshells. I too had listened to my H scream and yell at my children. I too would do anything to avoid angering him.

This all changed the day he slammed my 7yr old son's head into the table for not doing his math homework right and breaking a plastic spatula over his head. The only thing that stopped him? My 5yr old daughter screaming his name to stop. I wasn't home. I couldn't protect him at the time. You know what, they are protected now. I always thought I could handle him (H). It wasn't until he lost control that I realized how much help he really needed and I couldn't help him.

You really need to get him out of the house, for your safety and your children. I see the same pattern you speak of with your H in mine. I didn't think I could be strong enough but seeing my child hurt like that, I snapped. I've become this person I never thought I could be. Now I just need to continue following through, and I will with the support and love of my family.

I have a RO in place, no contact at all with me or my children for one year. He goes to court next week and his fate will be decided by a judge on 4 counts of child abuse. Yeah he's going to therapy and claims he's made "changes". I don't believe it for a minute. It's taken this man 38 years to get this way, 6 weeks of therapy isn't going to change much.

I really hope you make the right decisions. It's hard, but the peace and calmness in my house has been worth every single second. I can sleep well at night knowing he can't harm my family any longer.

Peace and love,
PTC

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