he is trying..
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| Wed, 02-09-2005 - 10:46am |
For awhile now dh has really been trying to understand himself, his family, people he works with, and the dynamics of verbal abuse. He is actually reading books and watching shows on tv regarding this. I am not saying he has done a total turnaround because he hasn't. I am just amazed at what he is willing to look at. Especially the things in himself. He is really trying. No, I don not have blinders on, I still see the unbelievable mess we are all still living in. He has told his family that he doesn't want to deal with them anymore because of their control/abuse issues. So he pretty much has no family anymore. Makes me feel like that's what we as victims do...to get away from our abusers. I feel bad he has no contact with his brothers and mother. But I agree they are a negative influence in our lives. I'm not sure how healthy for him this is. I am not sure if he will even consider counseling (he is always right ya know!). The thing that is bothering me lately is that he hates it when I tell him why the kids are not doing so well lately. He says that I am trying to blame him for everything all the time. All of our problems he feels I am blaming him because of the verbal abuse. I feel rotten sometimes because I think I DO do this! I am hard to live with as well I am sure!! I just needed to post this. I hope this doesn't sound like I am really confused. LOL! Thanks! :)

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Pink, if you like to read, best books I ever read was "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Survivors Speak Out" by Patricia Evans Have you read them? Started my journey, with the help from here, on my way to freedom. Ex kept saying (promised) he would read the first one, never did. Fishing mags more import and he hates fish. Oh well, to this day he still doesn't get it. Take care and be safe,
Luv, Sherry
something you said struck a cord deep in me "It would be easier if he would mess up and do something stupid or just smack me once and that will be my proof to leave! "
he is hitting you and messing up he's just using his words not his hands. which is just as bad. the scars you and your children carry are on the inside. don't wait for him to take it to the physical level for chances are he will. if you think you need proof to leave you already have it. it is the way he treats you, the way his behavior is affecting your children, the fact that your questioning his trying to change and that you want to get counseling for you and your children but are afraid to go with out his permission.
i agree with the others it sounds like he is using new tactics. he will take the abuse to whatever level he thinks he needs to keep control. that's part of the abusive cycle also.
take some time and go some where that you can relax and have some peace. I used to get out of the house and go for long walks in the woods. listen to your thoughts about him, your marriage, your children and what you want out of life. how many of those thoughts are yours? how many are those that he has put in your head over the years?( like your blaming him for all the family problems) how have your expectations for the future changed since you've been with him - better or worse? how many of the views you hold about yourself are yours or his. listen to yourself carefully. try not to think about what he or anyone else thinks is relevant. just what do you want, what do you need what is healthy for you and the children. what kind of a life do you want and can you have that in this situation?
do you have anyone who is close that you can trust to share all this with? if not you may want to try a DV crisis shelter/center.
it took me along time to sort out my thoughts but it gave me the strength to do what was right for myself and my girls.
take care and goodluck
-me
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