He Wants to come back

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
He Wants to come back
10
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 10:22am

Most of you may know about my situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 10:46am

Ok, well, let's look at this logically - not through the tantrums of a 8 year old child who is easily manipulated and who is manipulating YOU.

First of all, he abused you and you got rid of him for good reason. Those reasons haven't changed.

So now he marries a woman whom he's now kicking out of the house along with her two children because he prefers to play head games with you.

Your children MUST accept that mom and dad aren't getting back together. Take them (her) to an extraordinarily qualified and competent child psychologist who can help her.

Your daughter is the product of an abusive home. She's a child who is very confused - bringing an abusive man back into the house simply because she is manipulating you with tantrums is not the solution.

Listen, I know your ex is a jerk. But sometimes, hon, you must do what is best. Unfortunately, what is best isn't always easiest.

If she so darned sure she wants to live with her father, let her. Let him have her (or both) and take care of her needs and wipe her bottom and clean up her puke when she's sick. Eventually the shine will wear off and she will want mommy.

If you aren't comfy with that, make it very clear that she is staying put and she is to change her behavior. (and get her counseling)

To give in and go back with a guy who is guaranteed to mistreat you will only teach your children to do the same.

She will survive, regardless of what happens. This kid has no idea what she's doing - she's just reacting. Don't invite hell into your home because of her.

Be strong and look into the future, not only at the annoying, crying child in front of you. You are the intelligent adult here, not her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 10:50am

Here is a link from the board website called: What is fair for children of abusive men http://www.familyallies.net/fair.pdf


That might be able to give you some pointers and help you to be able to decipher all of this.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 5:33pm

I've tried everything for her, I've been in counseling for months about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 6:45pm
Jody honey I can't imagine how frustrating all this is for you.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 6:48pm

Lurker here...What do you mean by "jeopardy"? Because honestly, if you let her go over there, it is not going to take her any kind of time at all to figure out that wait a minute, Daddy is not all hearts and flowers 24/7. My cousin has had to do this with her 16 y/o, and it is breaking her heart, but we all know that this child is going to last about three months before the novelty of doing all Dad's chores and being chief cook, bottle washer, and general house elf will wear off and she'll be begging to come back. I know yours is not that old, but I'm betting the same principle will be at work here.

If that's simply not practical (and if he has visitation, evidently he has *some* ability to be trusted with them, so why isn't it?) you are going to *have* to take a stand with this child. Bottom line, you are the mom, she is the kid, and you have got to quit letting her yank your chain. I don't mean to be so harsh, but I have been following your story for some time now, and I'd bet money that she does this because she knows that it upsets you and that she will get her way if she just keeps it up long enough. Don't *let* her call. Put the phones up higher than what she can reach. Don't *let* her have more visits than what the agreement says. You have the authority here, now it is time to use it. "NO" is a complete sentence. If XH complains, let him. Tell the social workers just what has been going on if he calls them in. Tell them everything. I'm sure they'd be quite interested to hear what has been going on.

I would just so hate to see you take him back, because you know and I know that it will be right back to same old same old the second he gets a chance. And let's be realistic. What, on God's green earth, gives an *eight year old child* the right to force you to put yourself in that situation? I didn't think so. Again, I'm really not intending to be mean here, but these behaviors are a lot of the same stuff I see in my niece, and what I'm telling you now is what I'd tell SIL if she ever asked me. I hope that my telling you will have more effect than telling SIL is ever likely to. :*(

UCAUTIONIN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP ERIN AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.
From Go-Quiz.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 8:02pm

Jodyann, honey,

I would rather you hate your child temporarily than hate yourself forever.

Is it possible that your daughter has a form of OCD? (obsessive/compulsive disorder)...

The reason I ask is because she can't seem to stop these obsessive thoughts and it appears to be consuming her. Perhaps there is more of a foundation to this behavior than what is on the surface?

Not sure, but who knows....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 9:32am

Just a hypothetical question though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 11:19am

Jody, chiming in with my 2 cents worth here.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 11:35am

Jody honey, Mama Harm is right w/what she said.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 1:33pm

How much do your girls know about what went on in your marriage? Maybe it is time to educate them about ALL forms of abuse. I would find a therapist that deals with Parental Alienation Syndrome and work on having these kids deprogrammed.

What do these girls think about daddy getting married in December and then throwing her and her children out?? That is disgusting! Have you spoke with this woman to find out what really happened? I would call her!

Please do not go back to your ex. You will only get more of the same. It doesn't sound like he honours love or marriage.