He wants me to forgive him...but...???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
He wants me to forgive him...but...???
2
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:35pm
My H and I tried to discuss what happened this past Saturday (the yelling and cornering me while I was holding our 11 month old once again) last night, but we ended up going to bed with it still unresolved. He's BEGGING me to PLEASE just forgive him, and he says he KNOWS that he had NO right to treat me that way, BUT (and there's always a BUT that seems to retract the apology) he was just trying to get some understanding out of our argument (the whole vacuum thing DID end up all being a HUGE mis-communication mistake on BOTH our parts and I can understand now why he was so confused on my question of returning it). Every time he extends that apology with that BUT in it, it just seems to me like he's justifying what he did, although he does come back again and say that he knows he still had no right to treat me that way. AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! I'm SO frustrated and confused on what to do. I know he gets VERY excited and emotional and he explained to me that his throat just gets tight and he CAN'T talk to me in a normal voice in those strenuous circumstances, as he started yelling or talking very loudly at me last night, too, when we tried to discuss it.

I know he's trying to be sincere with the apology, but he keeps asking me "Can we just move on, PLEASE." And I tell him I can't just forget about it and act like it never happened, but he says he agrees with THAT. I cannot separate the two!!! How do I "move on" without having to just "forget" about the incident? I NEED SOME ADVICE!! He seems genuine and sincere, but then again, when we still couldn't resolve it all last night, he went into the bathroom by himself where our daughter's walker is and I heard him throw it to the floor or kick it. I wish I could just KNOW exactly what I need to do. PLEASE HELP!!! Should I give him another chance and just "move on"?

-Confused and Frustrated-

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:16pm

Now, in the time you've known him and been together with him, how many times have your arguments gone that way, you know, had the "but"...?


Abusers NEVER take responsibility for their behaviors and actions, there is ALWAYS

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 6:41pm
Scburton, your situation sounds a lot like mine. Except that I don't get an apology. I get the old "I shouldn't have done that BUT I couldn't control myself because you were badgering me". My fault...of course.

Anyway my H is trying to act all nice and normal now after 2 weeks of not really talking to each other, and after another big blowup. He's trying to kiss me goodnight (and even have sex with me - yeah RIGHT!) and act as if nothing ever happened, just sweep it nice and neat under the rug like he usually does.

So I'm at the same place you are right now, not knowing whether I should forgive him and just move on or not. But what alternative is there to giving in? The only other one really is leaving. Because if I stay with him I eventually will have to try to get back to "normal".

So I feel for you, wish I had some advice for you! Good luck and let us know how things are going.