he wants to work it out

Avatar for cirrus1993
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
he wants to work it out
6
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 6:07pm
I dont know what to do. Last night I told him everything about how I felt and the controlling "cute virgo traits" that he had been building up on me the last few months, and today i told him I would rather be alone than in a relationship where he is hurting me this way. He seemed to be listening, reiterated several times that what he did was very bad and very wrong and says he wants to do whatever it takes to work this out, and wanted to know what I needed from him right now or if I wanted him to leave. He still wanted to get me the engagement ring for christmas and I told him not to. This is a huge set back for me in our relationship and I am nowhere near marrying this man. Still struggling with the idea of giving him another chance, remembering our good times. Good times arent worth that kind of treatment though. I told him we need to talk alot more and if he doesnt have patience for us to work through this, because its not a magic wand ordeal where a kiss makes it all better, that its not gonna work out. I do not deserve this and he agrees. He left me a note saying he is sorry for scaring me and is not a violent man. Am I kidding myself? I feel like I will be able to tell pretty quickly if things have changed at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 7:01pm

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING -


This is exactly what I was talking about.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 8:49pm

Blue is on the money, Cirrus.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 11:39pm

I heard the same lines too. I believed it and later, when the whole situation escalated again (and again and again) and was close to me ending up seriously hurt, he yelled at me about how wrong I was to bring up the previous situation as an example of how I was afraid of him. In his mind, once I forgave that one situation, he was completely free of any guilt from it. Each time I forgave after he pushed, hit or broke something, the number of times he was violent went back to zero. So how dare I try to correct him and say the number was more like 10, 20, 30..... There is a danger of forgiving with a person like that. When I went to court for a restraining order, not surprisingly the number of abusive incidents according to him was back to zero again.

I agree with blue that it takes a very long time for someone like that to change. And if you are not yet engaged, I would think that if you plan to marry him only after he changes, you will remain unmarried a very very very long time at best (assuming he EVER changes). There is nothing fulfilling or romantic about a long wait like that. Best to move on and find a guy already packaged with all the right options and ready to go, rather than investing all of your younger years in such a risky one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 9:12am

Hi Cirrus,

I agree with the other ladies! This man is dangerous, and he's saying everything out of the abuser handbook. My ex told me himself that he was a "nice guy," and that I was wrong to keep bringing up the fact that he trapped me in my house and pounded my head! He apologized and then wanted to forget the whole thing! He got mad at me for being afraid of him. He told me that nobody would ever believe that I called the police on him. Well, I DID call the police on him...several times, and they were definitely on my side!

We can't forget. You SHOULDN'T forget, because he hasn't changed. There's no way he's changed at all in any real way this quickly, and it's doubtful that he ever will. I know that sounds harsh, but reality unfortunately sucks sometimes.

As soon as physical abuse enters the picture, it's time to be extremely cautious. I agree that NO CONTACT is the best way to go here because to keep talking with him is to risk him getting you to give in. I gave in a number of times until I realized that I was risking my life.

In fact, not too long ago, I just passed him on the road, and that was enough to set me back pretty badly for several days. It's tough! It's very tough to get through it, get over it and move on, but it can be done. This messageboard helps me a lot. I hope it helps you, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 11:17am
I swear, there is an Abuser Handbook somewhere out there, and he's reading from Page 12. Everyone else has said pretty much everything I could, so I'll just reiterate. He is not going to change. Once he has you back, it will be right back to square 1. I can't tell you what to do, but I CAN virtually guarantee that that will be the case. I am sure that's not what you want, and you CAN do better from life.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 11:40am

And another 24 hour reminder to reiterate the other posts. It is my opinion also that he will not change.

I was in your situation a year ago and believing my boyfriend would and wanted to change. I have just spent the last few days having him moved out by the police and fielding incessant pleading voicemail messages after a further nasty incident. When I look back on the last six months I realize there were 48 incidents (of various levels), in six months! I had a hope and belief he would change and sincerely wanted to, because he told me so. When I came out of the cloud and looked at the actions and not the words it was so blindingly clear that there was no change and his sincerity didn't mean anything (if it existed at all). This man had every opportunity to change over the period of a year and, although there were minor adjustments in his activities, the abuse continued and indeed escalated.

I am amazed after only joining this board very recently how my experience is so much the same as those others describe here. From this perspective I have to agree that your boyfriend is also no different from the men we have experienced and reiterate the advice of no contact, end the relationship and move on.