Hello again :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Hello again :)
10
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 3:20pm
It's been a while since I posted - I'm the one who has a male friend in an abusive relationship.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by writing here now, I don't really have a specific question, I just feel like venting out.

First of all I want to say that sadly I was too agressive in trying to help him, I asked too many questions and used the word "abusive", and he doesn't want to hear it, so my attempt of helping resulted in him clamming up. I stopped mentioning it and haven't for months and decided I'd just be a friend and when/if he ever wanted to talk about it again, I would just listen. But when he tells me how she behaves, should I not say anything about it? Should I not tell him that I think she is mistreating him? I don't wasnt to make things worse, but it's hard not to say anything.

A few weeks ago he called me after a night out and began the conversation by saying "This woman is crazy!", and told me that he'd gone on a business trip out of town the weekend before that and that she had insisted on coming along. On the trip, he refused to have sex with her and she got angry at him and called him "evil" for not even having sex with her on a weekend out of town. And then he said "guess i'm gonna have to go and have sex with her now" (he was on his way to her place). I don't remember exactly everything he said but it's clear he is certainly not interested in sleeping with her. He did use the words "so boring" in that context. Maybe I'm ignorant, but how can a woman you "make" a man have sex?

In the same conversation he also told me that she had gotten furious because she saw an ad on TV about a some sports match between my city and his, and she said "I f*cking HATE that city" (she has never been here, and doesn't know anyone from here but me) and began accusing him of wanting to go there because I am here.

The weekend after that he calls again, and told me she had been telling him off the night before because she "caught" him chatting away to a female work colleague, told him he was "awful" and "I f*cking hate her" (she has never spoken to her). Later that evening they ran into a woman that he'd been seeing (very casually) about 7-8 years ago, and she is a VERY attractive woman. I'm not sure what her immediate reaction was but once they got home, she started screaming and beating him up, not even saying any words, although afterwards she demanded to see his cell phone to make sure my number wasn't in it.

I can not stand not being able to do anything, he is miserable, and is in SUCH denial of the seriousness of her mental state. He deserves so much better than what this person gives him, he deserves to be with someone that is wonderful to him and makes him happy. I tell him this and he just tells me to stop, this is just the way it is. He has worked so hard all his life and has had to go through so much pain and stress in his life. He is such a wonderful, funny and charming and lovable person and I can't stand what this is doing to him, it's making him cold, bitter and angry and hopeless about his future. He doesn't believe that he can leave her.

Sorry for ranting, just had to let it off my chest.




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 3:26pm

Hi Iceland, welcome back!


I'm sorry that he's been pulled farther and farther into the pit she's digging.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 7:07pm
Well - I have to admit I was one of those women who has a "little green eye'd monster". I warned my DH before we even starting dating about it. I do a very good job at keeping it under wraps now that we're married and it hasn't hindered our reletionship. But there were times when I had to point out to him that a co-worker of ours was flirting with him (we worked at the same company - she knew we were engaged at the time) very heavily. Since I was overweight (have been all my life) and am physicially not his usual "type" of girl, I was, frankly intimidated by this woman who obviously had no respect for our reletionship (I've had women flirt with him before, find out he was engaged, and then actually become good friends with these girls) and, in my mind, was "better" than I was. It was really a self-esteeme issue for me. He didn't "end it" with that girl, but he left the company. She gave him her phone number (her husband was in jail) and her e-mail address. He never did anything with them (though he kept them for a while). She used to ask me (with a very depressed sigh) "So, How's Don?" at work on a daily basis. I finally said "Married. How are you?" That did it! LOL I now work in a different office down the hall from her in a different company, but have some old co-workers who still feel the need to tell me that she sighs every time he drives over to pick me up or drop me off (we have 1 car).

She sounds very insecure and doesn't know how to deal with it. I wonder if your friend would consider going to counseling with her to help her explore this? Often people in abusive reletionships really want to "help" or "save" the person they are with. That looks like the best "help" he could offer. :)

It is tough when one person's libido is far higher than anothers as well. My Dh and I battle this all the time, but there is a loving way to turn someone down and an abusive, attacking way to do it. She seems to equate her value as a women with how much sex he has with her.

Now, being a "friend" has a different meaning to everyone. For me, my friends expect honesty from me (even if they don't want to hear it). So if they ask me for my advice/opnion, I give it (nicely), even if I know it's what they won't like. If they want to argue about it, I simply give them my reasons and they can take it or leave it, but if they don't want to hear the same advice, they need to leave the topic alone. If your friend can't hear what you're saying to him, maybe you should say "Hey, I don't want to talk about So-and-so. I love you as a friend, but it's really bothering me. You know how I feel on this topic. I can't help you until you choose to help yourself. So... how about them Padres?"

;)

Good luck!

~jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:35pm
Thanks cl-blueliner.

I hadn't thought of it that way at all. But yes you're right, it does take away alot of my energy too, and you're also right that she is bringing pain to my life too! I've backed off now completely, which seems to make him begin to open up again, and I won't turn my back on him. Not yet anyway, I haven't reached my limit. But thank you so much for your endless concern :)

Anyway, as I said in my earlier post, it seems as if he's seeing things a little clearer these days. So hopefully he'll continue having clear thoughts and is able to help himself.

Thanks for your reply :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:52pm
Hey Jay :)

Thanks for your reply.

I don't think her jealousy is "normal". I get jealous - we all do - but I believe there is a line that healthy, loving partner does not cross, and does not even want to cross.

She isn't just jealous of his female friends/co-workers, it's that he isn't "allowed" to speak to any female at all, and he has to tell her exactly what he said/she said and "she wants to sleep with you! you want to sleep with her too!" and in fact, now she has problems with him speaking to his male friends too.

It's definitely not a "clashing libidos"-thing either. He has quite a high libido, just no interrest in sharing that with her.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 1:03pm

Hi

I was just reading through your post, and I must have interpreted it differently... You say this woman had no respect for your relationship with your hsuband and you often have to point out to women who flirt with him that he's married, right? Well surely he has a voice of his own to speak up and say "Hey do you mind, I'm married" ... rather than you looking like the green eyed monster! secondly, you say she has no respect for your relationship. If it were 'just' her who lacked respect for your relationship, he was not obliged to take her number and email surely? Where's his responsibilty in all this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 1:07pm
You're a great friend to stick by him through this.

I guess the best you can do is listen and try to remember it's got to be his decision to end the reletionship.

Hang in there! :)

~jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 6:50am
Exactly teyar - it's his decision, I can't save him or help him if he doesn't want my assistance or opinion.



On the other hand, he keeps bringing it up and tells me what is going on and I'm thinking that's a "cry for help".. so I will most definitely listen to all he has to say.

Thanks again :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:09am
I think you misread it. LOL I keep my trap shut when it comes to telling other women that he's married. I agree with you - that's his job. :) Actually, he often doesn't realize that they are flirting with him. Sometimes I have had to point out that a girl he thinks is just being nice is being more than nice - she's fishing and seeing if he'll bite. When he tells a joke (my DH is wonderfully funny and charming) or holds a door open for her, it's often misinterpreted as him being interested and therefore "biting" or "taking the bait". He's too nice to tell them to hit the road, but he's gotten much better at recognizcing when a woman/girl is being "too nice" and he doesn't put himself in a position for it to go further than just flirting.


I don't think I could take it if I had to follow him around and let them all know he's married. He doesn't understand why some of them are oblivious. He says he wears his wedding band and swears he talks about me.

~Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 9:05pm
I know what you are going through. I am a college sophmore that has a male friend in an abusive realtionship also. It is really tough and I have had enough of what this woman has done to his life and it has an effect on me as well. It has progressed to the point where she used a bunch of insane lies to destroy my friendship with him and now he and I are not speaking terms at all because of her lies. My whole story is under the topic about the list of approx. 100 questions about behaviors/traits of a potential abuser (7 yes answers=crisis intervention). Blueliner actually referred to you in her response to me: now I know I am not alone in facing this rare but real situation of the man being abused. Hugs from me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 8:05am
Hi maplegirl.. what a sweet name!

I'm sorry to hear you're having similar problems - it isn't easy.

She's done that too, tried to make him lose respect for me by critisizing almost everything she knows about me, but trying to make it sound like "general" comments, like how people in my line of work, where I come from etc, are all stupid. even though she's never met me. He saw through it, and she LOST it when he called her on it.

I'll read your story as soon as I have time in work ... no internet at home - argh!

hugs too!